On online dating...

I have not written a blog post in quite a while. Part of it is due to the fact that I’ve been extremely busy trying to juggle work and my personal life. However, a huge part of it has also been that I haven’t given myself the opportunity to just sit and really contemplate everything that has happened to me in the past year. Despite the hardships, despite the health issues (my heart problems), and despite everything else that life has thrown my way, it has been an AMAZING year. But I shall leave all of that wonderful stuff for another blog post. (Hopefully I will resume my regular posts soon, since I truly think that blogging is a fantastic way to create a record of your own life – not for anyone else’s benefit, but for your own. In any case, I digress.)

I am here now to tell you a tale that is sure to shock the hairs on the back of your necks: I, Krizia Bandy, decided to give online dating a try. (Insert dramatic music)

Although I am not one to shy away from new experiences, I had always had my reservations about online dating - mostly because we’ve all heard horror stories about the kind of creepers that you might meet on dating sites. However, about 2-3 months ago, I went through a really rough patch emotionally, and in an effort to break myself free from a toxic situation, I decided to take the plunge. To give those of you who don’t know my entire life story a little bit of background, let’s just say that as petty as it might sound, the easiest (fastest) way to get over someone is to find someone else to distract yourself with. So, online dating it was.

The first issue with the entire ordeal that I encountered was that I received very few matches from Florida, let alone Miami. Most of the guys that I was paired up with were from California, Alaska, Massachusetts, etc. Since I am no stranger to having the object of my affection thousands of miles away, I knew that I would not submit myself to that again and honestly, I did not even waste my time looking at those matches.

So, let me focus on the Miamians. Let me start off by saying that I have never found the men from Miami to be particularly appealing to me. While they may be very pleasing to the eyes, with their vigorous strength training routines, strict diets, and omnipresent tans (and yes, I hope you detected the dash of sarcasm), I’ve never let looks get the best of me. It has always been all about the intellectual and emotional connection for me, and as judgmental as this might sound, there are few things that turn me off more than a grown man who posts a semi-naked selfie.

That said, I live in Miami, and for better or for worse, for the time being I have no plans of moving. Therefore, if I was to give this little social experiment of mine the good old college try, I needed to interact with the Miamian in his natural habitat.

One of the first guys who reached out to me was actually an Italian who lives in Miami. Since you all know that I have a soft spot in my heart for Italy, I’m not going to lie that I was a bit excited at the prospect. However, he decided – after the first conversation with me – that he wanted to take me to Italy to meet his family over the summer. Well, while I admire the intensity, as you might all imagine, I had to pass on his proposal and say NEXT!

With most of the others, the conversation simply did not flow or I found that I had to dumb myself down for them. Sure, though we must make certain sacrifices in our pursuits for this ever-elusive thing called love, slowing my brain down for a man is something that I simply refuse to do. I am an intelligent woman and intellectual stimulation thrills me. *snap, snap*

As a funny side story, one guy's opening lines to me were "Hubba hubba! What a hottie! What's a guy gotta do to go on a dinner with a beautiful girl like you?" The compliment was nice, but "hubba hubba?" I of course chuckled upon receiving the message and wanted to ask if his approach has actually worked for him in the past. (Deciding that I did not want to give him wings, I chose to not engage in conversation with him. I may have had a bitchy moment, and may or may not have sent the simple response, "NO," but I've honestly forgotten how the rest of that story played out.) To make it even funnier, another friend of mine decided to do some social experimenting of her own, and I'm guessing that because we are similar (and probably had some of the same match settings on), he messaged her the EXACT same thing! Gotta give it to him, he is set in his ways. Go get 'em tiger!  

That said, it was not entirely bad. There were a few individuals who were enticing enough. One in particular caught my attention perhaps a bit more than the others. However, although the intellectual connection was there, he simply did not seem very interested in exploring the romantic compatibility with me further. While I have my theories about why this might have been the case, and while common sense would tell me to simply cut my losses, I decided to at least give friendship with this person a shot. Only time will tell whether this was a wise or senseless move, but once again, I am digressing. The point is, it could have been a lot worse. At least I'm still alive and free of stalkers (at least that I know of).

As with every new life experience, I am trying to make the best out of my brief online dating stint by:

1) Seeing what it helped me learn about myself, and 

2) Coming up with tips or suggestions for any of you who might be interested in giving it a shot. 

So, here are my recommendations:

• Be honest about yourself, but most importantly be honest with yourself.

Being honest about yourself is self-explanatory, but you’d be surprised at the amount of lying that happens on a daily basis, and not just on online dating sites. Let me just say that lies always have a way of surfacing, especially when you least expect them to. 

Now, regarding the statement about being honest with yourself, let me use an example... There were quite a few guys who messaged me who seemed nice, but who simply did not appeal to me physically. I considered “giving them a shot,” since I know that attraction can be fleeting. However, you can do all the sugar coating you want, but attraction does play an important role in romantic relationships. So, do yourself a favor and don’t waste your time with someone who you do not find attractive at all. Furthermore, take into consideration the fact that people on dating sites will always post the best pictures of themselves that they have. If you can't find someone's "best" attractive enough, just imagine what the reality will be like... Shocking! But it's not all about looks... 

• Be honest about what you are looking for, and make this clear to people you decide to spend some time with.

One 5-minute conversation with me and anyone should be able to tell that I’m not looking for a random hookup. That said, I’m not currently looking for a husband either. I guess that if I had to put it simply, I’m just looking for someone to kill loneliness with. Now, that may sound a bit weird to those of you who know that I am a self-proclaimed lone wolf, but there is just something about the idea of having someone there who I can talk to at the end of every day that warms my heart. That said, I am not looking for the type of connection that simply happens overnight. I am looking for something that takes time to develop, and this is something that I should have perhaps been clearer about from the beginning. 

When it comes to emotions, I often communicate most effectively through music and so I will share 3 songs that I feel express what I am looking for most accurately than I ever could - you can choose to skip this part but they are all wonderful songs, which I highly recommend you listen to:

1. Jack Johnson – Better Together 
2. Jorge Drexler – Me Haces Bien 
3. Subsonica – Incantevole - anche se “fuori il giorno è fragile, tutto qui cade incantevole come quando resti con me” (rough translation: even though the day outside is fragile, everything here remains enchanting because you are with me) 

Long story short, if you’re a chronic dater, do yourself a favor and let the other person know. If you’re not sure what you want, let the person know. If you want to get married in 3 months, let the person know. If anything, the decent ones will appreciate the honesty.

• Try to have little or no expectations.

Dating sites, especially those like eHarmony (which claim that they have advanced algorithms ensuring that they’ll match you up with people who are the most compatible with you), essentially create a bit of pressure, as you are told from the get-go that you SHOULD like X person and that X person SHOULD like you back. In my experience as a newcomer to the online dating world, I found that this was my fatal mistake, as it inadvertently created irrational expectations, which in turn led to somewhat unnatural behavior. So, if you want to give these sites a shot, try to go into it with little expectations, and most importantly…

• Have fun!

Meeting new people can be a very entertaining and rewarding experience. I personally find that the best part of any relationship (whether it be romantic or platonic) is getting to discover the eccentricities that make the other person who they are. So enjoy yourself. You never know what role a person will come to play in your life.

I have no idea what my next social experiment will be, but I shall certainly keep you all updated. With that said, this is the globetrotter signing off.

Until the next time.