Ghost in the machine

It feels like I'm drowning in a pool of books, papers, and flashcards. I have the GRE in less than 2 weeks and we all know that if I want to have any shot of getting into Columbia, I need to ace it. I'm actually feeling confident about it, but that doesn't mean that I will let my guard down and let it sneak up on me. On top of that, between this and the following week, I'm having midterms in all of my classes. Ah, the beauty of being a student... Solow model, Kuznet's curve, expected rate of exchange, depreciation, appreciation, interest parity condition, vituperation, philistine, toady, etc...

On top of that, my older brother was admitted into the hospital because of an acute abdominal pain. It seems that he's had an intestinal rupture and is under observation to see how he reacts to the antibiotics they're giving him. I feel so powerless. This is when I start questioning whether any of it is worth it... In the hopes of making my career aspirations a reality, I sacrifice time with the only people that have always been there for me. If the medicine that they're giving him works well, he will not need surgery. But we still have to wait a couple of days. My brother is strong, and I know he'll react well to the treatment, and will be his cheerful, World-of-Warcraft playing self once again, but I just wish that I could be there to cheer him on, while at the same time fighting for my own goals... The bittersweet pleasure of life.

At least it feels that everyday I am coming more and more to terms with my reality. I had a very emotional conversation with one of my best friends the other night, and he suggested that I needed to face my emotions, even if they were painful. Sure enough, I realized that I hadn't been dealing with my feelings very well in the last couple of months. In an effort to be perceived as a "strong" person, I've been shying away from things that I've wanted to say. Everyone always has a need to be vindicated. We always want people who disagree with us to see our points of view, and if not agree with them, at least to recognize and acknowledge them. He told me that in order to have harmonious relations with others, we must find peace within ourselves first. And so, I am trying to do just that. That night, right after we ended our conversation, I let myself feel the pain of the rejection, humiliation, and disappointment that I'd been ignoring for the last couple of months. In a way, it felt as if a part of me had been liberated. Of course, it is going to take much more than one night of intensive therapy to free myself from it all. But, I know it can be done...

As of late...

I just realized that it’s been a while since I actually wrote something on here. I’ve been posting songs, but that’s about it. The truth is, I’ve actually been quite busy. As most of you who follow me already know (and yes, of course I know who follows me – I’m from a third world country and my grandfather was kidnapped, for crying out loud! You thought I wouldn’t take precautionary measures to ensure my safety…? Again, I’m much smarter than most people give me credit for… but, I digress), I’m taking 4 classes at FIU: International Macroeconomics, Applied Macroeconomics, Economic Development, and Advanced Japanese Conversation. In addition, I’m trying to become a volunteer at the Adrienne Arsht Center, and participate in a whole plethora of community-friendly events (Walk for the Cure, Habitat for Humanity, etc.)

I have to confess that my return to school was not as smooth as I hoped it would’ve been. I guess I was expecting too much from FIU (and its student body), but after just stepping into my first class, I immediately thought to myself: “Oh God! What am I doing here again???” I honestly feel that I should be working on my postgraduate degree already, but I can blame no one else but myself for not being enrolled in a Masters’ program by now. The truth of the matter is, for various reasons, I lost all sense of focus, let deadlines pass me by, etc. Thankfully, I think I’m back to normal right now (or at least back on track to normal.) Also, the first week back at FIU, I was going through some tough personal stuff. I had to abruptly end a situation that had been plaguing me for a while. I would have much rather put and end to it gradually, but circumstances allowed me to make it much more expeditious. I’m not going to go into any details, for those who need to know what happened, already do, but long story short, I had to say goodbye to someone who I truly cared about it, and who had come to play an important role in my life. So, that coupled with the fact that I was homesick, made my return to FIU all the more pleasant.

I’m happy to announce that now everything is great. I quickly got used to the economic terms and am rocking at my classes. I get two days a week off from school, so I even get enough time to study, exercise, and pursue other interests. Oh, and it looks like I’ll be a US resident very, very soon. At the moment, I don’t have much to complain about. Even the weather seems to be a bit more bearable these days! But we’ll see how long I can keep this up for... I’ve slowly come to realize that I can never stay out of trouble for long. I don’t know what it is, but I always seem to cross paths with the most peculiar of people and find myself in the oddest of situations.

We know...