It feels like I'm drowning in a pool of books, papers, and flashcards. I have the GRE in less than 2 weeks and we all know that if I want to have any shot of getting into Columbia, I need to ace it. I'm actually feeling confident about it, but that doesn't mean that I will let my guard down and let it sneak up on me. On top of that, between this and the following week, I'm having midterms in all of my classes. Ah, the beauty of being a student... Solow model, Kuznet's curve, expected rate of exchange, depreciation, appreciation, interest parity condition, vituperation, philistine, toady, etc...
On top of that, my older brother was admitted into the hospital because of an acute abdominal pain. It seems that he's had an intestinal rupture and is under observation to see how he reacts to the antibiotics they're giving him. I feel so powerless. This is when I start questioning whether any of it is worth it... In the hopes of making my career aspirations a reality, I sacrifice time with the only people that have always been there for me. If the medicine that they're giving him works well, he will not need surgery. But we still have to wait a couple of days. My brother is strong, and I know he'll react well to the treatment, and will be his cheerful, World-of-Warcraft playing self once again, but I just wish that I could be there to cheer him on, while at the same time fighting for my own goals... The bittersweet pleasure of life.
At least it feels that everyday I am coming more and more to terms with my reality. I had a very emotional conversation with one of my best friends the other night, and he suggested that I needed to face my emotions, even if they were painful. Sure enough, I realized that I hadn't been dealing with my feelings very well in the last couple of months. In an effort to be perceived as a "strong" person, I've been shying away from things that I've wanted to say. Everyone always has a need to be vindicated. We always want people who disagree with us to see our points of view, and if not agree with them, at least to recognize and acknowledge them. He told me that in order to have harmonious relations with others, we must find peace within ourselves first. And so, I am trying to do just that. That night, right after we ended our conversation, I let myself feel the pain of the rejection, humiliation, and disappointment that I'd been ignoring for the last couple of months. In a way, it felt as if a part of me had been liberated. Of course, it is going to take much more than one night of intensive therapy to free myself from it all. But, I know it can be done...
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