Goodbye.

My Dearest __ ,

It is with the greatest sorrow that I must inform you that the time has come... The point of no return is finally upon us. I must bid you adieu once and for all…

Truthfully, I am still confused at how it all came to this. Once upon a time, you were my one and only raison d'être. I was so foolish and naïve that at times I even thought I had dreamt you into existence; that you would be the one thing in my life that would go right. I had to feel you, hear you, breathe you – it was all you. And then, on that fateful day, it all changed forever. In my eyes, despite your million flaws, you were perfect and could do no wrong. You would light up my life by just looking my way, and with one of your smiles, you could take away my deepest sadness and perennial loneliness. You were my knight-in-shining-armor; all of the verses in the poetry that I had yet to write. My last hope, my one dream, the only friend that I could ever want…

But now, you’ve been reduced to nothing – a mere memory, just another page in a notebook. The illusion has been shattered and for a long time, I found myself in a desert of pain and agony that simply did not want to go away. And now, I’ve come to see that you were not that special… I was simply blinded by the magic that I thought was you. So, in an act of self-preservation, I say “goodbye" for now.... No, for always...

Sincerely,

__ .

Strike 2

You know, you're funny! You may think you're very clever and whatnot. You think it's cute to "sneak around." No, no, no, no, no. Trust: whatever you do, and whatever you've done, it's because I have planned for it to be that way. Actually, it's been quite easy to play this game. I'm surprised that you just fall into the trap every time. Sigh. Some people never learn. Word of advice, don't mess with an International Relations major, especially not a smart one. When certain behaviors become frequent, they become patterns; and patterns can be ascribed to personal traits. One good thing about not seeking to be the center of attention at all times: you get to observe people, analyze their behavior, and learn how to attribute certain patterns of behavior to their personalities. Get my drift? Probability not... Maybe I have turned a bit evil after all... You get an A for the effort you put in trying to outsmart. But, it's not gonna happen. It's just not. Face it. And now you're thinking to yourself, "Is this about me? Does she know?" Intriguing, eh? But guess what, that's one secret I'll never tell. XOXO.

Saikin ha...

Art Basel, 12/02/10

Art Basel was very enjoyable. My volunteering shift was from 9-11:45 and after spending 30 minutes driving around the craziness trying to find parking, I ended up just paying $20 to be able to park in a secure area. I walked up to the Sanrio Small Gift Shop, told them that I was a volunteer, and was let in immediately. (There was a huge line of people trying to get into the exhibition.) However, when I walked in, they told me that there really wasn't anything for me to do anymore, but that I was more than welcome to stay and enjoy all of the perks of the VIP party that was going on. (Which I did, obviously.) So, I walked around, looking at all of the Hello Kitty AWESOMENESS that was going on (and yes, there is no other word to describe it, AWESOMENESS!) I even found myself a Nihonjin (Japanese person, for those non-Japanese speakers) to practice Nihongo with. She ended up being a representative from the Tokyo branch of Sanrio (!!!) I guess she either liked me, or was impressed by my Japanese language skills because she gave me a Hello Kitty cell phone strap. I walked around for a bit more, and decided to leave after 45 minutes because there wasn't much for me to do anymore. Besides, I needed to wake up early the next day for my last day of school.

Merce Cunningham, 12/03/10

Last night was my first volunteer experience as an usher at the Adrienne Arsht Center. I will be going out of the country soon, and will be gone for quite for a few weeks, so I wanted to have at least some volunteer experience before I left. The performance that I was ushering for was Merce Cunningham Dance Company. It was... interesting. There were actually 3 different stages, and the dancers moves around between them. Also, the patrons were allowed to be on stage with the dancers, and were encouraged to move around. In that sense, I thought the performance was pretty cool - you could really see it from all possible angles. The choreography was an interpretative dance of sorts and the music was, well not really music; I'd describe it as just a conglomeration of different sounds. Either way, I had an opportunity to see something new and different (for free, hehe.)

Next week: FINALS

Following week: GRE and my trip!

Art Basel

At the very last minute I was able to secure a position volunteering at Art Basel Miami Beach with no other than... (drum roll, please) ... SANRIO! I'm so excited. Tonight is actually the opening of Art Basel, and for those of you who don't know, Art Basel Miami Beach is probably the most important art event of the year here in the US. Not only that, but I love Hello Kitty and all of the cuteness that has been developed by Sanrio. I'm actually doing a presentation for my Japanese class on かわいい文化 (kawaii bunka, or the culture of cute.) So, this is a great opportunity!

Space bound

*This song really hit home.*

(Verse 1)

We touch, I feel a rush, we clutch, it isn't much
But it's enough to make me wonder what's in store for us
It's lust, it's torturous, you must be a sorcerous
Cause you just, did the impossible, gained my trust
Don't play games it'll be dangerous if you fuck me over
Cause if I get burnt, I'ma show ya what it's like to hurt
Cause I've been treated like dirt befo' ya
And love is "evol", spell it backwards, I'll show ya

Nobody knows me, I'm cold, walk down this road all alone
It's no one's fault but my own, it's the path I've chosen to go
Frozen as snow, I show no emotion what'so ever, so
Don't ask me why I have no love for these mo'fuckin' hoes

Blood-suckin' succubuses, what the fuck is up with this?
I've tried in this department, but, I ain't had no luck with this
It sucks but it's exactly what I thought it would be like tryin' to start over
I've got a hole in my heart from some kind of emotional roller-coasta';
Somethin' I won't go on till you toy with my emotions, so it's over
It's like an explosion every time I hold ya, wasn't jokin' when I told ya
You take my breath away, you're a supernova
And I'm a...

(Chorus)

I'm a space-bound rocketship and your heart's the moon
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
250, 000 miles on a clear night in June
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
Right at you

(Verse 2)

I'll do whatever it takes, when I'm with you, I get the shakes
My body aches when I ain't with you, I have zero strength
There's no limit on how far I would go, no boundaries, no lengths
Why do we say that until we get that person that we think's
Gonna be that one and then once we get 'em, it's never the same
You want 'em when they don't want you, soon as they do, feelin's change
It's not a contest and I ain't on no conquest for no mate
I wasn't lookin' when I stumbled onto you, musta been fate
But so much is at stake, what the fuck does it take, let's cut to the chase
'Fore the door shuts in your face, promise me if I cave in and break
And leave myself open that I won't be makin' a mistake
Cause I'm a

(Chorus)

I'm a space-bound rocketship and your heart's the moon
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
250, 000 miles on a clear night in June
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
Right at you

(Verse 3)

So after a year and 6 months, it's no longer me that you want
But I love you so much it hurts, never mistreated you once
I poured my heart out to you, let down my guard, swear to God
I'll blow my brains in your lap, lay here and die in your arms
Drop to my knees and I'm pleadin', I'm tryin' to stop you from leavin'
You won't even listen, so fuck it, I'm tryin' to stop you from breathin'
I put both hands on your throat, I sit on top of you, squeezin'
Til' I snap your neck like a Popsicle stick, ain't a possible reason
I can think of to let you walk up out this house and let you live
Tears stream down both of my cheeks, then I let you go and just give
And before I put that gun to my temple, I told you this

(Bridge)

And I would've did anything for you
To show you how much I adored you
But it's over now, it's too late to save our
Love
Just promise me you'll think of me
Every time you look up in the sky and see a star
Cuz I'm a

(Chorus)

I'm a space-bound rocketship and your heart's the moon
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
250, 000 miles and a clear night in June
And I'm so lost without you
Without you
Without you

Dans mes pensées...

As keepers of our own free will, we are the only ones responsible for what happens in our lives. Every time we perform an action it means that we had a choice to go through with it or not. As humans, it is in our very nature to err. As a result, our actions may sometimes be misguided and may end up hurting those we care about the most. Once again, it is up to us to take action: we can either assume responsibility for the pain we've caused and apologize, or we can simply do nothing.

Personally, I hate feeling like I have unfinished business with others (especially if they were once important in my life), so I would much rather put my pride aside and apologize before I let a situation drag on forever. What happens when it's the other way around, and you're the one who has been hurt? Since you cannot control others' actions, and make them apologize, it is up to you to pick up the pieces of your bruised and battered heart, and make yourself feel better. You, and you alone, are the sole navigator of your life and commander of your emotions.

Easier said than done, eh? Well, it is of utmost importance that you first and foremost learn how to control your thoughts. Emotions are originated within your thoughts; from your perceptions and interpretations of everything and everyone that surrounds you. Once you've mastered this crucial step, I think you will have successfully differentiated yourself from the rest of mankind. With right thought, comes right action. How very Buddhist of me, eh? In reality, it isn't about religion at all. It's just something that I've found to be very true, and something that I myself must consciously work on everyday.

For instance, how many of us are guilty for looking at old photographs, rereading old emails, or looking up people we've lost contact with? We know that the past isn't going to come back to us, yet we still find ourselves devoting some of our time and energy thinking about it. Please don't misinterpret what I'm trying to say, I don't think there is anything wrong with reliving the past, but many times, reliving the past is painful to us - either because a particular memory is painful itself, or because it hurts us that things have changed. Why do we engage in this behavior? Part of me feels that it is precisely because human beings are averse to change and prefer to remain within their comfort zones, what they've grown accustomed to. However, I take pride in being someone who can adjust to new situations quickly. Finding myself in a new environment, meeting new people, or having changed aspects of my personality shouldn't bother me, right? Maybe human beings are masochistic to a certain degree, and we enjoy reliving a painful past simply because we want to feel the strong emotions again? Sounds ludicrous, but I would bet that for some, the reality isn't that far off.

And I come back to the main point of this entire ramble, we are responsible for our lives - everything that happens to us and everything that we feel. I'd like to say that I've discovered the secret to leading a happy, meaningful life, but alas, I'm afraid I'm still a toddler, barely scratching the surface of it all. So what's waiting for us when we finally find this mythical happiness? A Shangri-La where unicorns, mermaids, and Yetis harmoniously coexist as they sit on marble benches to drink mimosas and observe double rainbows? Probably not. It is my opinion that happiness isn't an end goal, but rather a process. It's about enjoying the here and the now, even if your reality isn't what you'd wish it would be. Above all, it's about taking responsibility for your life! You'd be surprised how liberating it feels to know that you and you alone are responsible for your state of mind and well-being.

***So, since the holidays are coming up, it is through this medium that I decide to apologize to those who, for some reason or another, I've hurt with my actions or words. If I have hurt you, trust me when I say that I probably didn't mean to. To those that have hurt me, well, I can't say much except that I'm trying to forgive and forget, not necessarily because you deserve it, but simply because I realized that by holding on to negative emotions, I keep myself from moving on to greater and grander things.***

The most wonderful time of the year

Now that THAT'S out of my system, let me update you guys on what's actually going on in my life. As far as school is concerned, my classes are going smoothly. However, there is a possibility that I won't enroll at FIU next semester. It turns out that the Economics department at FIU is very limited and I haven't been able to enroll in all of the classes I need to take in order to graduate with my third degree by Spring. Since I am planning on going to graduate school in Fall 2011, and already have 2 degrees anyways, it strikes me as pointless to continue studying when I won't be able to finish my third major before then. That said, studying is always better than the alternative, being idle in Honduras. I've got a lot to think about, so I'll let you know what I decide.

I'm finally a volunteer at the Adrienne Arsht Performing Arts Center! Essentially, I'm an usher during performances, but I can be assigned other miscellaneous tasks, too. I've also been volunteering more frequently with Hands on Miami. I'm just trying to keep myself as busy as possible while I finish up grad school applications.

In terms of my romantic situation... Well, to be honest, I kind of started liking someone new. But, as much as I wanted to encourage any kind of positive feelings I might be having, my crush quickly died out. I find it harder and harder to trust people these days, but am doing everything in power to prevent myself from becoming a misanthrope. The fact is I am more fabulous than most people my age, but my fabulosity is highly misunderstood. I still refuse to become one of those girls who is best known for her skills on the mattress though. Just saying... Hehe.

Why me?

The entire world was crumbling beneath my feet. Entire buildings were being wiped off in a matter of seconds; cars falling into the deep crevices - never to be seen again. People I had once cared about had completely dissipated in front of me; vanishing into thin air, into nothingness. Where were they going?

From within me, I felt a pain stronger than I had ever felt before. That pain soon transformed into emptiness. I knew I was alive, but I felt dead inside. So dead in fact, that I truly do not know where I found the strength to hold on to the last bit of hope I had. I felt as if my heart and soul had been replaced by a big, empty hole. As if I had been left with nothing... But somehow, I held on... Somehow, I managed to survive this. Why me?

"Why me?" "Why do these things have to happen to me?" If received a dollar for every time I've asked this, I'd probably be five dollars short of being a millionaire.

For good

*Some say that the right way to live is to look only to the future; to never look back. Although I do believe that the future is more important than the past, I think that the past shapes who we've become. Those who know me best, know that I don't claim to be perfect, although I do strive to achieve some level of perfection. I don't think I'm an ideal human being, or that my way of thinking is superior to others'. The only thing that I've ever claimed, is that I only know how to live according to my own standards, and up until now, for the most part, I have to say they've been successful. I read somewhere that success is acquired when you have the respect and admiration of intelligent people, the affection of children, and when your life has made someone else's better. Without trying to sound arrogant, I know that by that definition alone, I am very successful. At the same time, I know that not everyone out there in the world likes me. Some will deem me too arrogant, others too boring, etc., and I've come to accept it. Now, even though I've always tried to live in a manner that doesn't hurt others, I'm aware that sometimes my actions have hurt people. If there happens to be anyone reading this who feels that I have hurt them in the past, then I apologize. I can almost assure you that nothing I did was on purpose. So, for this reason, I decided to record and upload this song, which although not perfect, comes from my honest, and all-too-trusting heart.

To my family and friends: I adore you all! You're the reason I get up in the morning and put a smile on my face. Due to my fickle and unpredictable nature, I know I am somewhat difficult to get alone with. But, you guys have been there with me through it all, and trust me, that means the world. Even though I should be mostly used to it by now, sometimes it is difficult being away from home. And yet somehow, you guys have allowed me to find a sense of home, away from home. For that, I will be eternally grateful. This song is for you.

To those who for one reason or another, I am no longer friends with: I have no hard feelings for anyone. In fact, I've come to realize that in most cases, the deterioration of our friendship was a result of miscommunication. In other cases, it was a lack of interest. In the most extreme of cases, I simply realized that being your friend was no longer having a positive net effect on my life, or that we weren't compatible. Either way, for whatever the reason, I wanted to let you all know that I'm kind of incapable of harboring negative feelings for people, especially for long. My emotions move in the following order: anger--> disappointment--> reminiscence--> indifference--> closure. In conclusion, at some point, you all played an important role in my life, and this song goes out to all of you as well. Best of luck in future endeavors!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I've heard it said,
That people come into our lives, for a reason,
Bringing something we must learn.
And we are led to those who help us most to grow,
If we let them and we help them in return.
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true.
But I know I'm who I am today,
Because I knew you.

Like a comet pulled from orbit,
as it passes the sun,
like a stream that meets a boulder,
Halfway through the wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better,
But, because I knew you,
I have been changed for good.

It well may be,
That we will never meet again in this lifetime,
So let me say before we part,
So much of me,
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart.

And now whatever way our stories end,
I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend.

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea,
Like a seed dropped by a sky bird, in a distant wood,
Who can say if I've been changed for the better...

But, because i knew
(because I knew you)
I have been changed for good.

And just to clear the air,
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for.
But then I guess we know there's blame to share.
And none of it seems to matter anymore...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
(like a ship blown from its mooring)
As it passes the sun,
(by a wind off the sea)
Like a stream that meets a boulder
(like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood)

Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But, I do believe I have been changed for the better,
And, because I knew you... (because I knew you)
Because I knew you,
I have been changed for good....

Happy Halloween!

Ghost in the machine

It feels like I'm drowning in a pool of books, papers, and flashcards. I have the GRE in less than 2 weeks and we all know that if I want to have any shot of getting into Columbia, I need to ace it. I'm actually feeling confident about it, but that doesn't mean that I will let my guard down and let it sneak up on me. On top of that, between this and the following week, I'm having midterms in all of my classes. Ah, the beauty of being a student... Solow model, Kuznet's curve, expected rate of exchange, depreciation, appreciation, interest parity condition, vituperation, philistine, toady, etc...

On top of that, my older brother was admitted into the hospital because of an acute abdominal pain. It seems that he's had an intestinal rupture and is under observation to see how he reacts to the antibiotics they're giving him. I feel so powerless. This is when I start questioning whether any of it is worth it... In the hopes of making my career aspirations a reality, I sacrifice time with the only people that have always been there for me. If the medicine that they're giving him works well, he will not need surgery. But we still have to wait a couple of days. My brother is strong, and I know he'll react well to the treatment, and will be his cheerful, World-of-Warcraft playing self once again, but I just wish that I could be there to cheer him on, while at the same time fighting for my own goals... The bittersweet pleasure of life.

At least it feels that everyday I am coming more and more to terms with my reality. I had a very emotional conversation with one of my best friends the other night, and he suggested that I needed to face my emotions, even if they were painful. Sure enough, I realized that I hadn't been dealing with my feelings very well in the last couple of months. In an effort to be perceived as a "strong" person, I've been shying away from things that I've wanted to say. Everyone always has a need to be vindicated. We always want people who disagree with us to see our points of view, and if not agree with them, at least to recognize and acknowledge them. He told me that in order to have harmonious relations with others, we must find peace within ourselves first. And so, I am trying to do just that. That night, right after we ended our conversation, I let myself feel the pain of the rejection, humiliation, and disappointment that I'd been ignoring for the last couple of months. In a way, it felt as if a part of me had been liberated. Of course, it is going to take much more than one night of intensive therapy to free myself from it all. But, I know it can be done...

As of late...

I just realized that it’s been a while since I actually wrote something on here. I’ve been posting songs, but that’s about it. The truth is, I’ve actually been quite busy. As most of you who follow me already know (and yes, of course I know who follows me – I’m from a third world country and my grandfather was kidnapped, for crying out loud! You thought I wouldn’t take precautionary measures to ensure my safety…? Again, I’m much smarter than most people give me credit for… but, I digress), I’m taking 4 classes at FIU: International Macroeconomics, Applied Macroeconomics, Economic Development, and Advanced Japanese Conversation. In addition, I’m trying to become a volunteer at the Adrienne Arsht Center, and participate in a whole plethora of community-friendly events (Walk for the Cure, Habitat for Humanity, etc.)

I have to confess that my return to school was not as smooth as I hoped it would’ve been. I guess I was expecting too much from FIU (and its student body), but after just stepping into my first class, I immediately thought to myself: “Oh God! What am I doing here again???” I honestly feel that I should be working on my postgraduate degree already, but I can blame no one else but myself for not being enrolled in a Masters’ program by now. The truth of the matter is, for various reasons, I lost all sense of focus, let deadlines pass me by, etc. Thankfully, I think I’m back to normal right now (or at least back on track to normal.) Also, the first week back at FIU, I was going through some tough personal stuff. I had to abruptly end a situation that had been plaguing me for a while. I would have much rather put and end to it gradually, but circumstances allowed me to make it much more expeditious. I’m not going to go into any details, for those who need to know what happened, already do, but long story short, I had to say goodbye to someone who I truly cared about it, and who had come to play an important role in my life. So, that coupled with the fact that I was homesick, made my return to FIU all the more pleasant.

I’m happy to announce that now everything is great. I quickly got used to the economic terms and am rocking at my classes. I get two days a week off from school, so I even get enough time to study, exercise, and pursue other interests. Oh, and it looks like I’ll be a US resident very, very soon. At the moment, I don’t have much to complain about. Even the weather seems to be a bit more bearable these days! But we’ll see how long I can keep this up for... I’ve slowly come to realize that I can never stay out of trouble for long. I don’t know what it is, but I always seem to cross paths with the most peculiar of people and find myself in the oddest of situations.

We know...

King of Anything

I love this song! Hehe, I wonder why... XOXO

- - - - - -

Keep drinking coffee, stare me down across the table
While I look outside
So many things I’d say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by

You’ve got opinions, man
We’re all entitled to ‘em, but I never asked
So let me thank you for your time, and try not to waste anymore of mine
And get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe, but I’m not drowning
There’s no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

You sound so innocent, all full of good intent
Swear you know best
But you expect me to jump up on board with you
And ride off into your delusional sunset

I’m not the one who’s lost with no direction
But you’ll never see
You’re so busy making maps with my name on them in all caps
You got the talking down, just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy
While I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

Let me hold your crown, babe.

未来: The future

It is with great pleasure that I announce my ability and decision to return to the United States some time within the next two weeks. The main reason why I came to Honduras was to take care of my legal situation with respect to my continued presence in the USA. As most of you who read this already know, I’ve been in the US for the last 6 years as an international student. However, I graduated from FIU in 2009 and my work permit expired in June of this year. Given the fact that I was not ready to apply to grad school before all the deadlines had passed, I reapplied to FIU in hopes that I would be allowed to go back to finish a third degree in Economics (for which I already have a minor.) Given my outstanding record at FIU, I was actually re-admitted and am now enrolled in 4 classes for the fall semester. The next step was to apply for another student visa from the American government. After traveling to my country’s capital and being interviewed by the consular authority last week, I was given the great news that my application had been accepted!!! Miami, you can’t get rid of me just yet...

I’m planning to finish my Economics degree by Spring 2011, and attending grad school in fall of the same year. For grad school, I have 3 top choices: SIPA (School of International and Public Affairs) at Columbia University (New York), Fletcher School of Diplomacy at Tufts University (Boston), and SAIS (School of Advanced International Studies) at Johns Hopkins University (Washington, DC.) I’m still working on my list of back-up schools, but I’m determined to gain acceptance into at least one of my top three choices. I have been studying arduously for the GRE this entire summer, and will be taking it in late September or early October. Furthermore, I a planning a trip to New York in late October of this year – hoping to take a tour of Columbia University!

Granted, these are only plans at the moment, but I am quite motivated and driven on seeing them through. In the past, whenever I've truly wanted something, especially in the academic realm, I've accomplished it. So you just wait and see. This princess isn't going down without a fight... XOXO

Now we are free...

I often wonder, are we the ones who sabotage ourselves? Are we the ones who let the ghosts of our pasts haunt us incessantly and perpetually? Sometimes, even though we don't want to finish a chapter in our lives, or say goodbye to someone we've loved, the only way we can forget is by letting go. And sometimes, but only sometimes, letting go is the key to our freedom...

Don't we all love Mr. Big?

After all of the very personal “journal-like” posts that I’ve been making recently, I decided that I wanted to continue the Nicky-Luca story that I started in June. I have most of the plot developed in my head already, but I’m not sure whether I want to leave it as a short story or turn it into a novel. Most importantly, I still don’t know whether I want to give it a happy ending, or leave some room for interpretation (although the latter is more my style, naturally.) So, I’ve decided to let the characters and story brew for a bit longer, and will be continuing it shortly… (I can almost hear the sighs of disappointment from all of my rabid fans. Hehe)

But moving on, I’ve recently discovered that men like Sex and the City more than they’d like to admit! I was talking about relationships with a close friend the other day, and he said that he wanted to be a Mr. Big when he grew up. I personally LOVE Mr. Big and I secretly (I guess not so secretly now) wish I could find a young Mr. Big in Miami, but alas, I know it will be close to impossible. Hey, don't judge! Don't we all love Mr. Big??? Anyways, it got me thinking about the TRUE popularity of Sex and the City. As I was googling the fashion from the latest movie, I came across an article that was written by Sex and the City… wait for it… haters! I was appalled! Who could possible hate Sex and the City???

Well, it turns out that the article was written by a group of women who feel that Sex and the City is partly responsible for the perennial objectification of women. These so-called “defenders of women’s’ rights” went into great detail about how they felt that the characters from Sex and the City are vapid and shallow women who only care about fashion, and of course, sex. I couldn’t help but think that the authors of the article were either: 1) Lesbians; 2) Hard-core feminists; 3) Ugly; or 4) All of the above. Although Sex and the City may not be the most intellectually stimulating show to ever be broadcasted, nor does it answer the mysteries of the universe, I think that it does have some merit.

Women are multi-layered beings who feel the need to be, above all, understood. The key to having good relationships with women is to make us feel that you understand us, in every way possible. We want to feel that you are attuned to our needs, fears, desires, everything – the whole enchilada! Me? I’m a Carrie: easy-going, smart, always willing to help out a friend, very liberal for most things, but at the same time, somewhat fond of conventions. The point being, what makes Sex and the City such a success is the fact that all women can relate to at least one of the main characters. I honestly think that the show is a celebration of womanhood. The women aren’t portrayed as icons of perfection. They have issues, and at times feel insecure about themselves, their bodies, their relationships, etc. Yet, at the end of the day, they are able to remain themselves, be successful, and look great!

I’m very intellectually oriented myself, so I will never be an advocate of using our lovely feminine attributes as the SOLE tool for advancing our careers, getting someone to fall in love with us, etc. However, I don’t think there’s anything wrong if a woman were to use her charms for “good.” All women should be allowed to express their femininity and not feel ashamed because of it. It’s okay to exude sensuality and success at the same time. And, I’m willing to bet that this is another point that the creators of Sex and the City were trying to get across.

Furthermore, what I don’t really understood is why the authors of the article, who claim to be so smart themselves, insist that a woman who watches and enjoys Sex and the City can be considered a traitor to her kind. It’s as if they feel that because someone likes this particular TV show, they can’t be intelligent or confident. But I say this, since when does your preference in TV shows define who you truly are? (There are exceptions of course. If someone spends their entire day vegetating in front of the TV, watching Jerry Springer… Well, that’s a different story.) But I don’t feel that there’s anything wrong with being multifaceted.

In fact, I’m willing to say that having several diverse interests is much like being a polyglot. You won’t know what “一期一会”or “以心伝心”mean if you don’t speak Japanese, and if you were ever to travel to Japan, you’d quickly realize how these phrases are intrinsic to Japanese culture, and therefore necessary for you to understand them, especially if you plan on connecting with the Japanese people. Essentially, what I’m trying to explain is that having a plethora of interests allows you to be connected to multiple people, and on multiple levels. I believe it’s safe to say that we’ve all accepted that as human beings we must interact with others on a regular basis, and therefore, the more connections we are able to have can only help in enhancing our experiences.

But I digress… If I were to allow my inner ramblings to continue unrestrained, you’d be reading a lot more than you already have. Suffice it to say, the article by the Sex and the City haters inspired me to write something different. Next time, look for an in-depth analysis of the political, economic, and social implications of the 2009 ousting of Honduran President Manuel Zelaya (I can’t believe it’s been a year already!)

But, let me leave you with this: I play video games, and I also like to go out and have fun. I like opera and classical musical, but I’m also a loyal follower of mainstream pop. I love to cultivate my intellect, spending countless amounts of dollars on my education, but I also take pride in looking and feeling good. Where I come from, it’s okay to be versatile, but above all, it’s desirable to be tolerant. And that's just fabulous, darling!

Reflections...

It was exactly a month ago that I arrived in my home country of Honduras after a prolonged absence of almost two years. Those who know me well are aware of the fact that one of the reasons why I left Miami in such a haste was to get away from a toxic situation; a situation that was slowly wearing me down. Although I have always been of a somewhat whimsical nature, I don’t think I’ve ever changed my mind as often as I did in the last year. I went from being absolutely certain that I needed to study law, to thinking that I needed to move to Europe to be a linguist, followed by the commitment to obtain a graduate degree in International Relations from an Ivy League university. I have always had my “AHA” moments, and there was certainly no shortage of them in the last few months.

For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, let me explain… The “AHA” moment is a very enlightening and relieving time in a person’s life. It is when, after having been pondering a situation over and over again, you realize something that changes everything. The “AHA” moment, also referred to as the “Eureka” moment, makes you see the issue at hand in a whole new perspective, and suddenly you realize what it is that you need to do in order to remedy it. The thing about the “AHA” moment is that it usually happens after two in the morning. In any case, some of my most important decisions have been made based on the “AHA” moments.

Either way, whether it was because I was going through a rough patch in my life, or was just truly afraid and undecided about everything, last year brought about many changes in my way of behaving and thinking. Now as I’m looking back on the experiences that I lived through and the decisions that I made, I see that I was starting to lose myself. I’m not going to sit here and point fingers, but I am aware of the fact that some people did take advantage of me during this period. Whether it was because they needed to make themselves feel better, or because they needed some sort of material gratification from me, I stumbled upon certain, let’s call them “swindlers.”

Most people that get to know me, even if at a somewhat superficial level, are able to quickly see that I still possess a certain childlike innocence that is hard to come across in a 24-year-old in this day and age. The truth is, despite the negative experiences that I’ve had to endure, I still try to find the good in people. I try to find at least one redeeming quality in everyone and work from there. Maybe that puts me in the “naïve” category, but as I’ve mentioned in the past, I’d take “naïve” over “cynical” any day. Again, I don’t blame people for my or their shortcomings. Everyone has issues and if some people need to take advantage of others to feel better, and if that’s what floats their boat, then by all means do it, not just to me. I’m not going to lie, it does hurt when you realize that someone who you thought cared about you genuinely makes it obvious that they’re as genuine as a $5 Rolex you bought off a street vendor. Life has a peculiar way of making things work out, though. Although I have my moments when I wish I could turn into an insensitive bitch and just seek a slow and agonizing vengeance for those who’ve hurt me, the truth is, I would never do something as low and immature as hurt someone on purpose. Deep down, I do believe in karma and I think that people get what they deserve in the long run.

So, enough about that... Another thing that I’ve realized in the time that I’ve been here is the importance of family. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always loved my family deeply and am somewhat of a homebody, but I never really understood the meaning of “family unity.” After all, isn’t your family just a bunch of people who you are forced to see and interact on a daily basis, even if you don't have much in common with them? At times I honestly believed this, but the truth is, no matter what, your family is your FAMILY. You share an undeniable and unbreakable bond with a group of people who will be there for you, through the good and the bad. I often catch my friends speaking poorly of their family members, and I think it’s quite sad. Sure, I was actually blessed with a wonderful family and know that not everyone is as lucky as I am. But if your parents have always provided for you, made sure you had everything you needed, even if they’re not perfect, you owe them at least a sense of respect. I find it quite sad how even people in their late twenties, who are supposed to be all mature and grown-up, are still looking for flaws in their parents and are more than eager to sever their ties with their families over a few minor disagreements. Families, just like romantic relationships, are all about compromise and commitment.

I’ve also realized that I’m quite picky when it comes to choosing a partner. I’ll be honest, most men just don’t make the cut. I’d say that I do have a minimum set of requirements that a significant other must have. However, I will tell you that these are not your usual traits. I’m not looking for a model that can recite Shakespeare’s sonnets to me while preparing my favorite meal. I’m actually NOT looking for perfection, but I am looking for someone who “meshes” well with me. And the truth is, I’m not your average girl. I may come off as the shy good-girl, but I’m so much more than that. I find that I discover new things about myself everyday. All in all, the truth is, I just want someone who will grow with me. I’ve always thought that the best of relationships start off as friendships, and I still firmly believe this. Finding someone who will accept every last thing about you and will be okay with it, even if they don’t like it – now, that’s love. Whenever I envision my “ideal partner,” I usually almost always have the same image: We’re off in some distant country, just exploring everything that it has to offer. He’s willing to go on adventures with me and will try all sorts of exotic foods and drinks. There’s always laughter, and even during the times when we argue, he’s willing to compromise as much as I am. Even if we can’t go around the world, we talk about the adventures we want to have, and can have fun together even if we don’t go anywhere, or do much of anything. I want someone who is just as multifaceted as I am, and with whom I can converse about anything. Someone who can teach me things that I don’t know and vice versa. I wonder, am I looking for something that can’t be found???

Who are we to play with hearts...

The truth is, it’s not the first (or probably the last) time that she’s had her heartbroken. It’s not the worst, either. Yet, as strong as she tried to be, and as much as she just wanted logic to take over every single fiber of her being, she couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down her face as she sit there, on the solitary bench, replaying all of the memories that they'd created together. It seemed that not even the Andrea Bocelli songs would be leaving her alone this time...

It was never her intention to develop feelings for him. Doesn’t intention count for something when being judged for a crime? It was really somewhat of an uncontrollable force that found a way to creep up on her. She’s not going to lie; she had a feeling that he would be trouble for her since day 1. Why? Because he fit the part, and he always knew it (and what’s worse, she knew that he knew it.) However, she honestly thought that she had a strong enough grasp over who she was, and that she could prevent things from unraveling in the way that they did. She suspected that she forgot to take into account a force other than her own; a force that she hadn’t dealt with in the past; the kind of undeniable force that she’d only read about in books or seen in movies: passion. Were they wrong to have allowed their selfishness get in the way of what they knew to be right? They both wanted something, it’s true. The problem lay with the fact that what each of them wanted was different, and it would’ve been very difficult to reconcile both of their desires. She didn’t regret anything, however. After all, she truly believed that everything that has happened in her life has shaped who she is. But her biggest fear was, if even for a brief moment, she had turned into the kind of girl that she despises? The kind of girl who loses herself over some guy? Especially, over some guy who’s not even sure of what he wants?

Either way, the truth is that despite the circumstances, she felt that the initial bond that they shared, that connection, was real. But now, she couldn’t help but torment herself trying to figure out how much of it was real and how much of it was fabricated. She felt that after everything had been said and done, he looked for an excuse to invalidate it, or simply and easy way out. She wondered if he was fueled by regret, guilt, or simply a lack of interest… Will it be this way forever? Was there a way to putting an end to these broken days?

Honestly, as much as she wants to, she cannot blame him. She cannot even blame herself. It is what it is. But she never lied when she told him that she wanted to have him close for years to come. And it wasn’t because of his handsome looks. She actually thought she had seen the person that he really was: behind the façade, behind the tormented eyes, and broken spirit. She wanted to be someone to encourage him to never give up on life, even in the most platonic of ways, even if she was never the one to satisfy his heart’s desires. It’s always been the kind of person that she is. She liked playing “savior” to those around her.

She used to be one of those people who say that they hate to cry because it is a sign of weakness. Yet, she’s slowly come to realize that everyone cries, everyone hurts, and everyone feels the same emotions. Now she thinks that it is pointless to hide what she feels. Actually, she’s started to see it as a sign of strength. Instead of staying home and mourning whatever loss she might have incurred over a pint of ice cream, she chooses to get out there and continue living.

Her heart’s greatest ambition has always been to find someone to love and who would be willing to love her back with the same ardor and passion that she knew she could offer. She has a young, unyielding heart, and she believes that if anything, by meeting him, she’s just come a step closer to finding what it is that she’s looking for. She often wonders if she’s just naïve and living in a bubble, but the truth is that no matter what, she refuses to let cynicism and negativity rule her heart.

Love according to Dr. Phil...

The night started out innocently enough. My mission: to let go and just have some fun. I was to take in the sights, the sounds; enjoy the food and drinks. At no point was I supposed to get lost in my thoughts. However, some time between the second and third glass of wine, I started thinking about relationships and that perennial enigma, which we call love. Some of the questions that made their way into my stream of thoughts where: How much of a relationship is based on passion? How much of a person can you aspire to know? Why is it that so many smart and independent women feel that they need to have a man in their lives to validate their existence? And is there such a thing as an “ideal relationship”?

I certainly don’t claim to be an expert on relationships. In fact, the reality is far from it. However, I’d say that I’ve dealt with my fair share of bizarre (to say the least) romantic experiences; the details of which I will not bore you with at this particularly moment. However, the truth remains that, I’ve never met a man who has inspired me to feel enough confidence in him to allow myself to be completely enraptured by love. And trust me, I’ve met all types of guys: 1) the insecure, confused type; 2) the chauvinistic type; 3) the misunderstood artist; 4) the guy who at first glance seems to be that mysterious, European stranger who’s everything you want and has come to sweep you off your feet, but ends up being no better than the average accumulation of testosterone we like to call men; 5) the kind you’d be willing to wait for your entire life; 6) the guy you think you can “help,” blah, blah, blah… yada, yada, yada… I think that by now you get it.

Point being, despite all of these failed experiences, I’m still willing to look for something… The question is, why? And why does everyone seem to have this obsession with love? Have we been conditioned to think that love is the cure to all of our problems? I mean, how many movies have you seen that start with a lonely, single gal who has more issues than she can handle, but who seems to get her life in order as soon as she meets “the one”? And don’t get me wrong… Those who know me well can attest to the fact that deep down I’m just another sucker for all of this mushy stuff! “You had me at hello,” had ME crying for days! But the point still is, how much of what we’ve come to identify as “love” is merely a creation of what we’ve seen in Hollywood movies, read in Hallmark cards, and heard in Enrique Iglesias songs???

Most of my female (and even my male) friends always seem to have some sort of advice to offer when it comes to building a successful relationship. But who says that what works for them will work for everyone else? If a relationship were as easy as a mathematical or chemical formula, wouldn’t we all have mastered them by now? Hell, I’m willing to bet that if that were the case there’d even be a doctorate degree in relationships at Harvard.

The more I think about it, the more I know that I’ll probably never come up with an answer to some of the questions that I’ve posed in this spiel so far. But, there is ONE thing I’m certain of. I’m aware of the necessity of at least one element to any successful relationship (whether romantic or otherwise), and that is: to know oneself, at least what it is that you desire, and what it is that you don’t want. As obvious as this may seem, it’s sad and frustrating to know that most people are either too lazy, or simply too dense, to devote enough of their time to introspection. Think about it. How much of the heartbreak in your life, whether you’ve been on the causing or receiving end of it, could’ve been avoided if people would’ve finally learned to be honest with themselves first?

But hey, who am I to give advice, right? Most people nowadays prefer to follow the advice of Dr. Phil, Jerry Springer, and Oprah, anyways... ;-)

There's no place like home

The last time I was in Honduras was about a year and a half ago, for Christmas of ’08. Yet, despite my prolonged absence, it feels like I’ve never been gone – everything is exactly the same as I left it. Sometimes, I feel that there is no such thing as “the passage of time” here… But more on that a little bit later. I don’t want this to turn into a contemplative/philosophical entry…

My last few days in Miami were somewhat frustrating. I’m used to having my freedom and the ability to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. However, not having a valid driver’s license made things REALLY difficult for me. I was left at the mercy of my family and friends, and depended on them to rescue me from my house arrest. The first days without a license were like death. I felt like a princess looked up in a tower, or worse, a dungeon – just waiting on prince charming to come rescue me. And as those of you who know me well could confirm, I’m not really the kind of girl who can just sit around and do nothing, at least not for prolonged periods of time…

The last couple of days there were not so bad, though. A few of my friends finally felt sorry for me, and decided to make the LOOOOONG trip to come pick me up. Either way, saying goodbye to them was bittersweet. These last months were jam-packed with drama and lots of conflicting emotions. And so, it was hard to say farewell to those who’ve stood by me through it all. I’m still not sure where I’ll be the next couple of months, and as someone who is used to packing up and moving away, I’ve learned that friends come and go, and that you can always make new ones. However, I really do hope that those that I’m close to now will be in my support system for some time to come.

Now, to relate to you a little bit about my journey… My flight got delayed for 2 hours!!! It was scheduled to leave at 7:30pm and didn’t end up leaving until 9:30. I got home at around 11pm, Honduran time (1am Miami time.) It was quite tiring. On the plane, I was seated next to a young Christian couple from California who were coming to Honduras to do some charity/mission work. They were really quite nice and were very interested in my life story. We spent most of the flight talking and they ended up telling me that my parents should be quite proud of me and everything I’ve accomplished at such a young age. I went ahead and gave them my contact information if they needed any help during their stay in Honduras and they went ahead and did the same, as well as offered to show me around Los Angeles if I ever want to visit.

My bags were one of the first to come out (and since they’re pink – they’re VERY easily recognized) and so I was able to clear the baggage claim quite rapidly. All of my family was waiting for me at the airport. It was so good to see everyone together again. However, since my flight got in so late, we weren’t able to go have some Italian food as we’d originally planned. Besides, everyone was pretty tired so we decided to just come back home. I tried to sleep relatively early, but (surprise, surprise) was unable to, so I just decided to finish unpacking.

I spent most of today sleeping and resting up, but my mother did prepare a delicious meal for lunch and we were able to eat as a complete family for the first time in almost 1.5 years! I went to visit some family members in the late afternoon and spent most of the evening chatting up with my brothers (Michael and Erick) and my cousin (more like adopted brother, Jorge.) We also smoked some hookah as we listened to Buddha Bar, which reminded me of how much I want to explore my Middle Eastern roots (but again, more on that later.) Right now, I’m listening to Andrea Bocelli and am feeling VERY relaxed. I guess it’s true what they say: there’s no place like home…

The beginning

“Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seatbelts as we begin our descent towards JFK International Airport. The current time in New York is 6:47pm and the temperature is a very pleasant 60 degrees. We hope you’ve enjoyed flying aboard American Airlines and may your stay in the Big Apple be a pleasant one.”

She couldn’t believe they were touching ground in New York already. It seemed to her that the flight had taken off from Charles de Gaulle a mere two hours ago. Either way, she couldn’t complain. She was happy to be back home. She couldn’t remember the last time that the view of the New York skyline had made her this ecstatic. Yet, as happy as she was to be back home, she couldn’t help but feel anxious.

The truth is Luca had broken her heart in more ways than one. She was trying to forget their last meeting. Fighting to bury it deep within her memories, hoping that it would never resurface to perturb her hard-earned stability. She had always been told, much to her dissatisfaction and disbelief, that she was very stubborn. The last encounter with Luca helped her see that maybe everyone had been right all along. Maybe she really was hardheaded and inflexible.

Things between them had been going downhill for a couple of months, but Luca was much too passive to do anything about it. He always prided himself in being a bon vivant, and as such, could not be bothered with the trivialities of their relationship, or so he would often say, insisting that as long as they were okay, it was all good. However, Nicole was never one to settle for just “ok.” She’d always believed that it when it came to matters of the heart, things needed to feel right. And as much she loved Luca, things didn’t feel as right as they used to. When she finally confronted him about it, it was precisely his indifference and his cold demeanor that upset her the most. She left his apartment without giving him much of a chance to say anything.

It was that same night that her father informed her of the position that had become available at the American embassy in Paris. Unlike her mother, he had always supported her career choices, and knew of her desire to make a name for herself in the diplomatic field. Given his business connections, all he needed to do was to call the Ambassador up and the job was hers. Without thinking it over, she urged her dad to set it up, and the very next day, she was on a plane headed to Paris.

Despite the circumstances, her time in Paris was very satisfying. She was able to brush up on her French, learn a thing or two about the inner workings of an embassy, and enjoy the magnificent “City of Lights.” She would spend her afternoons lost in thoughts at cozy Parisian cafés, enjoying croissants and café au laits. She would stroll down the Champs-Elysees, perusing the quaint little shops. None of it mattered, though. Luca was never far from her thoughts.

* * * * *

“Excuse me. Miss?”

She was buried in her book. She came to this coffee shop every day, at the same time, and ordered the exact same thing: a skinny cinnamon dolce latte. Everyone knew that this table was her spot and her time to get lost in her own little world. Who could possible dare to interrupt her tradition? She looked up at the vile creature that had done such a thing, half expecting to see Freddy Krueger or the Crypt-Keeper. To her surprise, she found a very handsome young man with piercing green eyes.

“Do you mind? I’m kind of in the middle of something…” The words just slipped right out of her mouth. “Oops,” she thought, “Now he’ll think I’m a total bitch. Oh well, suits him right for interrupting me.”

He cut off her inner monologue to say, “Yes, I’m aware of that, but trust me I would not have interrupted you if this were not a life or death situation. You see, I’m running a bit late for a final that I studied arduously for, and in the hustle and bustle, I forgot my wallet. But, I am in desperate need of a double-shot espresso. Could you spare me a couple of bucks? Pleaseeeeee.”

She looked back at him suspiciously, wanting to say, “Great. So not only are you rude, but you’re also a bum. Cute.” However, she replied with, “Yea, don’t worry about it. Just tell the guy up front to put it on my tab. Good luck on your final.”

He said, “Thank you! How can I repay you?”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m sure if I’m ever in your same situation, I’ll find a good Samaritan who’ll help me out. Just get your coffee and go. Aren’t you late already?”

“Right. Well, I’ll come back. Thanks, again!”

She just smiled up at him. “I’m such an idiot! He’ll think I’m a total nerd! I should’ve told him that he could pay me back by taking me out to dinner. Those eyes. That hair. Ugh, I didn’t even ask for his name. Smooth, Nicky. Real, smooth.” She shrugged off her thoughts and picked up her book, “no point in worrying about it now. What are the chances that I'll see him again?”

* * * * *

As expected, her dad had sent their driver to pick her up. In the car, she found a lovely bouquet of pink orchids and purple and white lilies, her favorites. She also found a couple of blueberry scones and a latte from Dean and Deluca, alongside a note that read:

“Sorry we couldn’t be there to greet you, Nicky. Mom’s at the weekly co-op meeting, and I’m working on a very difficult case here at the office. Have Sebastian take you home, shower, rest up, and we’ll have dinner together later on.

Love,

Dad.

PS. Welcome home, kiddo! We missed you!”

Official Press Release

The Princess of Honduras believes that “resignation” is a very strong word and one that she does not recall employing at the time of informing His Majesty of her decision to go back to the Kingdom of Honduras. “Resignation is synonymous to “quitting” in the Princess’ mind and a woman who single-handedly won over the respect, esteem, and admiration of His Majesty can hardly be considered a quitter. However, the Princess recognizes that much was said at their official meeting and given the fact that she and His Majesty spoke in multiple languages, she admits the possibility that things might have been lost in translation. Nonetheless, she found it imperative to clarify this matter.

That being said, the Princess is aware of the fact that Top Political Advisor to the King is an extremely important position and one that would require her continued presence in the Empire of Titania. She would like to reassure His Majesty, and the people of the Empire, that she never took her position lightly and indeed recognizes the great honor that was granted to her at the time of her appointment; for in a bold and unprecedented move, His Majesty gave her courtesies that no foreigner in the past had ever received. Furthermore, the Princess would like His Majesty to know that her vast knowledge in diplomatic and economic affairs is always at his service, but that more importantly, she is always willing to lend a helping hand in both official and unofficial matters, for she believes that the nature of their relationship evolved in such a way that, all formalities aside, she can now call him a “true friend.”

Though the Kingdom of Honduras is currently going through a very tumultuous time, the Princess would like to extend an official invitation to His Majesty to visit her while she is away. She hopes that someday she can repay all the kindness and generosity that have been given to her while in Titania. The Princess does indeed expect to be traveling back to her home sometime within the next two weeks, but she also expects to resolve the pressing difficulties of the Kingdom of Honduras in a swift manner, and so she is making preparations to return within the next two months. She sincerely hopes that relations between Honduras and Titania will not be strained during this period, and again, she reassures His Majesty that he can always count on her support, as well that of the Kingdom of Honduras.

The Princess has always taken pride in being open and honest in her proceedings, and given the fact that tomorrow is a national holiday in the Kingdom of Honduras (it is the commemoration of the Princess’ day of birth), she has decided to schedule a press conference for next week. She would like to use this medium to invite all members of the press to attend said conference as she will be answering questions regarding her departure and any other issues that need to be solved.

Official Public Liaison to Her Majesty, Princess of Honduras
Katrina Cunningham

RULES!

I'm not totally dissatisfied with my life. I feel that compared to most people my age, I'm actually doing relatively well. I've graduated from college with two university diplomas, and though I'm not exactly working in a field that's of my expertise, I've gained A LOT of experience. Especially in the art of keeping things in for the the sake of diplomacy! And man, has my patience been tested these last few months... But anyways, that's something I'll discuss in another post. I'm also:

- Not an alcoholic - CHECK

- Not a crack-whore - CHECK

- Not a whore, period - CHECK CHECK

- Not pregnant - CHECK CHECK WAYYYYY CHECK =)

In many ways, a success! Cheers to that! KANPAI!

However, the entire point of this entry was not to go on about my accomplishments, but rather to point out the things I need to work on in order to become even more satisfied with my life. The way I see it, there's always room for improvement. Although I claim that I'm a perfectionist through and through, I know that I will never be 100% perfect. In fact, most of my close friends have already called me "perfectly imperfect." Although I really appreciate their efforts, I will always be very hard on myself, especially because I know what I am capable of. I need to at least continue striving to be perfect. If I ever lose that spark that keeps me going, then honestly, I don't know what'll happen to me... So, after thinking it through, I've come up with a list of 10 rules that I will try to abide by from now.

I don't think anyone actually reads this, but in a weird way, I feel that by posting it online and making it public, I'll feel more accountable to them! So here goes...

1.) Set aside 30 minutes for personal reflection everyday. I need to be able to be alone with my thoughts and try to figure out what I want and need to do with my life. During this time, I need turn my cell phone off, rid myself of ALL distractions, and just focus on ME!

2.) Limit my time online to 2 hours per night, including Facebook, MSN, Skype, etc.

3.) Read, read, read. Try to read at least 2 books per month. Keep up with the news, as well. I’ve been good at reading The Economist, as it is delivered to my door, but I need to read more. I simply cannot let my brain cells atrophy. I’m so proud of my intellect! I've grown through my education, and I need to be persistent in the pursuit of knowledge to feel satisfied!

4.) Go to the gym, or engage in some form of physical activity for one hour, at least four times a week. Rain or shine! No excuses… Even if it means I need to cancel plans with people, or postpone them. Those who really want to see me and care about me will understand.

5.) Clean up my room as often as possible. Don’t just let thing accumulate on the floor! When my living environment is disorganized, I get lazy and in a bad mood! Therefore, clean, clean, clean!

6.) Don’t neglect anyone and make time for everyone! The more satisfied I feel with my personal relationships, the better I will feel as a whole. Granted, some friendships are deeper than others and may require more attention, but do not fall into the same old trap of depending too much on only a few people. Always leave room to meet others, and develop deeper friendships with everyone who is willing and interested in getting to know me.

7.) Smile, smile, smile. Even if I am feeling down, smile. Not only do I look prettier while smiling, but a smiling face is approachable! The more positive energy I give out, the more positive energy I will receive.

8.) Never assume anything about anyone. Especially not about myself. Assumptions lead to expectations, and expecting too much from someone can lead to disappointment. Disappointment leads to negativity and negativity goes against Rule #7.

9.) Limit my spending to $250 every 2 weeks. This way, I will be able to save more than $1,000 per month! I need to find other ways of having fun that are not just going out to fancy restaurants, and having fancy drinks. I need to stay at home more often, watch movies, play PS3... go back to basics!

10.) Stop thinking so much about everything. The more time I spend thinking, the less time I spend living. Learn to just go with the flow and adopt a “Zen” approach to life. Enjoy the little things…

And there you have it. I'll be checking back periodically to update. But for now, I must get my beauty sleep! Ah yes! That should have been yet another rule! Try to sleep more than 6 hours per night!

And this Krizia signing off...