The truth is, it’s not the first (or probably the last) time that she’s had her heartbroken. It’s not the worst, either. Yet, as strong as she tried to be, and as much as she just wanted logic to take over every single fiber of her being, she couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down her face as she sit there, on the solitary bench, replaying all of the memories that they'd created together. It seemed that not even the Andrea Bocelli songs would be leaving her alone this time...
It was never her intention to develop feelings for him. Doesn’t intention count for something when being judged for a crime? It was really somewhat of an uncontrollable force that found a way to creep up on her. She’s not going to lie; she had a feeling that he would be trouble for her since day 1. Why? Because he fit the part, and he always knew it (and what’s worse, she knew that he knew it.) However, she honestly thought that she had a strong enough grasp over who she was, and that she could prevent things from unraveling in the way that they did. She suspected that she forgot to take into account a force other than her own; a force that she hadn’t dealt with in the past; the kind of undeniable force that she’d only read about in books or seen in movies: passion. Were they wrong to have allowed their selfishness get in the way of what they knew to be right? They both wanted something, it’s true. The problem lay with the fact that what each of them wanted was different, and it would’ve been very difficult to reconcile both of their desires. She didn’t regret anything, however. After all, she truly believed that everything that has happened in her life has shaped who she is. But her biggest fear was, if even for a brief moment, she had turned into the kind of girl that she despises? The kind of girl who loses herself over some guy? Especially, over some guy who’s not even sure of what he wants?
Either way, the truth is that despite the circumstances, she felt that the initial bond that they shared, that connection, was real. But now, she couldn’t help but torment herself trying to figure out how much of it was real and how much of it was fabricated. She felt that after everything had been said and done, he looked for an excuse to invalidate it, or simply and easy way out. She wondered if he was fueled by regret, guilt, or simply a lack of interest… Will it be this way forever? Was there a way to putting an end to these broken days?
Honestly, as much as she wants to, she cannot blame him. She cannot even blame herself. It is what it is. But she never lied when she told him that she wanted to have him close for years to come. And it wasn’t because of his handsome looks. She actually thought she had seen the person that he really was: behind the façade, behind the tormented eyes, and broken spirit. She wanted to be someone to encourage him to never give up on life, even in the most platonic of ways, even if she was never the one to satisfy his heart’s desires. It’s always been the kind of person that she is. She liked playing “savior” to those around her.
She used to be one of those people who say that they hate to cry because it is a sign of weakness. Yet, she’s slowly come to realize that everyone cries, everyone hurts, and everyone feels the same emotions. Now she thinks that it is pointless to hide what she feels. Actually, she’s started to see it as a sign of strength. Instead of staying home and mourning whatever loss she might have incurred over a pint of ice cream, she chooses to get out there and continue living.
Her heart’s greatest ambition has always been to find someone to love and who would be willing to love her back with the same ardor and passion that she knew she could offer. She has a young, unyielding heart, and she believes that if anything, by meeting him, she’s just come a step closer to finding what it is that she’s looking for. She often wonders if she’s just naïve and living in a bubble, but the truth is that no matter what, she refuses to let cynicism and negativity rule her heart.
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