At the very last minute I was able to secure a position volunteering at Art Basel Miami Beach with no other than... (drum roll, please) ... SANRIO! I'm so excited. Tonight is actually the opening of Art Basel, and for those of you who don't know, Art Basel Miami Beach is probably the most important art event of the year here in the US. Not only that, but I love Hello Kitty and all of the cuteness that has been developed by Sanrio. I'm actually doing a presentation for my Japanese class on かわいい文化 (kawaii bunka, or the culture of cute.) So, this is a great opportunity!
We touch, I feel a rush, we clutch, it isn't much But it's enough to make me wonder what's in store for us It's lust, it's torturous, you must be a sorcerous Cause you just, did the impossible, gained my trust Don't play games it'll be dangerous if you fuck me over Cause if I get burnt, I'ma show ya what it's like to hurt Cause I've been treated like dirt befo' ya And love is "evol", spell it backwards, I'll show ya
Nobody knows me, I'm cold, walk down this road all alone It's no one's fault but my own, it's the path I've chosen to go Frozen as snow, I show no emotion what'so ever, so Don't ask me why I have no love for these mo'fuckin' hoes
Blood-suckin' succubuses, what the fuck is up with this? I've tried in this department, but, I ain't had no luck with this It sucks but it's exactly what I thought it would be like tryin' to start over I've got a hole in my heart from some kind of emotional roller-coasta'; Somethin' I won't go on till you toy with my emotions, so it's over It's like an explosion every time I hold ya, wasn't jokin' when I told ya You take my breath away, you're a supernova And I'm a...
(Chorus)
I'm a space-bound rocketship and your heart's the moon And I'm aimin' right at you Right at you 250, 000 miles on a clear night in June And I'm aimin' right at you Right at you Right at you
(Verse 2)
I'll do whatever it takes, when I'm with you, I get the shakes My body aches when I ain't with you, I have zero strength There's no limit on how far I would go, no boundaries, no lengths Why do we say that until we get that person that we think's Gonna be that one and then once we get 'em, it's never the same You want 'em when they don't want you, soon as they do, feelin's change It's not a contest and I ain't on no conquest for no mate I wasn't lookin' when I stumbled onto you, musta been fate But so much is at stake, what the fuck does it take, let's cut to the chase 'Fore the door shuts in your face, promise me if I cave in and break And leave myself open that I won't be makin' a mistake Cause I'm a
(Chorus)
I'm a space-bound rocketship and your heart's the moon And I'm aimin' right at you Right at you 250, 000 miles on a clear night in June And I'm aimin' right at you Right at you Right at you
(Verse 3)
So after a year and 6 months, it's no longer me that you want But I love you so much it hurts, never mistreated you once I poured my heart out to you, let down my guard, swear to God I'll blow my brains in your lap, lay here and die in your arms Drop to my knees and I'm pleadin', I'm tryin' to stop you from leavin' You won't even listen, so fuck it, I'm tryin' to stop you from breathin' I put both hands on your throat, I sit on top of you, squeezin' Til' I snap your neck like a Popsicle stick, ain't a possible reason I can think of to let you walk up out this house and let you live Tears stream down both of my cheeks, then I let you go and just give And before I put that gun to my temple, I told you this
(Bridge)
And I would've did anything for you To show you how much I adored you But it's over now, it's too late to save our Love Just promise me you'll think of me Every time you look up in the sky and see a star Cuz I'm a
(Chorus)
I'm a space-bound rocketship and your heart's the moon And I'm aimin' right at you Right at you 250, 000 miles and a clear night in June And I'm so lost without you Without you Without you
As keepers of our own free will, we are the only ones responsible for what happens in our lives. Every time we perform an action it means that we had a choice to go through with it or not. As humans, it is in our very nature to err. As a result, our actions may sometimes be misguided and may end up hurting those we care about the most. Once again, it is up to us to take action: we can either assume responsibility for the pain we've caused and apologize, or we can simply do nothing.
Personally, I hate feeling like I have unfinished business with others (especially if they were once important in my life), so I would much rather put my pride aside and apologize before I let a situation drag on forever. What happens when it's the other way around, and you're the one who has been hurt? Since you cannot control others' actions, and make them apologize, it is up to you to pick up the pieces of your bruised and battered heart, and make yourself feel better. You, and you alone, are the sole navigator of your life and commander of your emotions.
Easier said than done, eh? Well, it is of utmost importance that you first and foremost learn how to control your thoughts. Emotions are originated within your thoughts; from your perceptions and interpretations of everything and everyone that surrounds you. Once you've mastered this crucial step, I think you will have successfully differentiated yourself from the rest of mankind. With right thought, comes right action. How very Buddhist of me, eh? In reality, it isn't about religion at all. It's just something that I've found to be very true, and something that I myself must consciously work on everyday.
For instance, how many of us are guilty for looking at old photographs, rereading old emails, or looking up people we've lost contact with? We know that the past isn't going to come back to us, yet we still find ourselves devoting some of our time and energy thinking about it. Please don't misinterpret what I'm trying to say, I don't think there is anything wrong with reliving the past, but many times, reliving the past is painful to us - either because a particular memory is painful itself, or because it hurts us that things have changed. Why do we engage in this behavior? Part of me feels that it is precisely because human beings are averse to change and prefer to remain within their comfort zones, what they've grown accustomed to. However, I take pride in being someone who can adjust to new situations quickly. Finding myself in a new environment, meeting new people, or having changed aspects of my personality shouldn't bother me, right? Maybe human beings are masochistic to a certain degree, and we enjoy reliving a painful past simply because we want to feel the strong emotions again? Sounds ludicrous, but I would bet that for some, the reality isn't that far off.
And I come back to the main point of this entire ramble, we are responsible for our lives - everything that happens to us and everything that we feel. I'd like to say that I've discovered the secret to leading a happy, meaningful life, but alas, I'm afraid I'm still a toddler, barely scratching the surface of it all. So what's waiting for us when we finally find this mythical happiness? A Shangri-La where unicorns, mermaids, and Yetis harmoniously coexist as they sit on marble benches to drink mimosas and observe double rainbows? Probably not. It is my opinion that happiness isn't an end goal, but rather a process. It's about enjoying the here and the now, even if your reality isn't what you'd wish it would be. Above all, it's about taking responsibility for your life! You'd be surprised how liberating it feels to know that you and you alone are responsible for your state of mind and well-being.
***So, since the holidays are coming up, it is through this medium that I decide to apologize to those who, for some reason or another, I've hurt with my actions or words. If I have hurt you, trust me when I say that I probably didn't mean to. To those that have hurt me, well, I can't say much except that I'm trying to forgive and forget, not necessarily because you deserve it, but simply because I realized that by holding on to negative emotions, I keep myself from moving on to greater and grander things.***
Now that THAT'S out of my system, let me update you guys on what's actually going on in my life. As far as school is concerned, my classes are going smoothly. However, there is a possibility that I won't enroll at FIU next semester. It turns out that the Economics department at FIU is very limited and I haven't been able to enroll in all of the classes I need to take in order to graduate with my third degree by Spring. Since I am planning on going to graduate school in Fall 2011, and already have 2 degrees anyways, it strikes me as pointless to continue studying when I won't be able to finish my third major before then. That said, studying is always better than the alternative, being idle in Honduras. I've got a lot to think about, so I'll let you know what I decide.
I'm finally a volunteer at the Adrienne Arsht Performing Arts Center! Essentially, I'm an usher during performances, but I can be assigned other miscellaneous tasks, too. I've also been volunteering more frequently with Hands on Miami. I'm just trying to keep myself as busy as possible while I finish up grad school applications.
In terms of my romantic situation... Well, to be honest, I kind of started liking someone new. But, as much as I wanted to encourage any kind of positive feelings I might be having, my crush quickly died out. I find it harder and harder to trust people these days, but am doing everything in power to prevent myself from becoming a misanthrope. The fact is I am more fabulous than most people my age, but my fabulosity is highly misunderstood. I still refuse to become one of those girls who is best known for her skills on the mattress though. Just saying... Hehe.
The entire world was crumbling beneath my feet. Entire buildings were being wiped off in a matter of seconds; cars falling into the deep crevices - never to be seen again. People I had once cared about had completely dissipated in front of me; vanishing into thin air, into nothingness. Where were they going?
From within me, I felt a pain stronger than I had ever felt before. That pain soon transformed into emptiness. I knew I was alive, but I felt dead inside. So dead in fact, that I truly do not know where I found the strength to hold on to the last bit of hope I had. I felt as if my heart and soul had been replaced by a big, empty hole. As if I had been left with nothing... But somehow, I held on... Somehow, I managed to survive this. Why me?
"Why me?" "Why do these things have to happen to me?" If received a dollar for every time I've asked this, I'd probably be five dollars short of being a millionaire.
*Some say that the right way to live is to look only to the future; to never look back. Although I do believe that the future is more important than the past, I think that the past shapes who we've become. Those who know me best, know that I don't claim to be perfect, although I do strive to achieve some level of perfection. I don't think I'm an ideal human being, or that my way of thinking is superior to others'. The only thing that I've ever claimed, is that I only know how to live according to my own standards, and up until now, for the most part, I have to say they've been successful. I read somewhere that success is acquired when you have the respect and admiration of intelligent people, the affection of children, and when your life has made someone else's better. Without trying to sound arrogant, I know that by that definition alone, I am very successful. At the same time, I know that not everyone out there in the world likes me. Some will deem me too arrogant, others too boring, etc., and I've come to accept it. Now, even though I've always tried to live in a manner that doesn't hurt others, I'm aware that sometimes my actions have hurt people. If there happens to be anyone reading this who feels that I have hurt them in the past, then I apologize. I can almost assure you that nothing I did was on purpose. So, for this reason, I decided to record and upload this song, which although not perfect, comes from my honest, and all-too-trusting heart.
To my family and friends: I adore you all! You're the reason I get up in the morning and put a smile on my face. Due to my fickle and unpredictable nature, I know I am somewhat difficult to get alone with. But, you guys have been there with me through it all, and trust me, that means the world. Even though I should be mostly used to it by now, sometimes it is difficult being away from home. And yet somehow, you guys have allowed me to find a sense of home, away from home. For that, I will be eternally grateful. This song is for you.
To those who for one reason or another, I am no longer friends with: I have no hard feelings for anyone. In fact, I've come to realize that in most cases, the deterioration of our friendship was a result of miscommunication. In other cases, it was a lack of interest. In the most extreme of cases, I simply realized that being your friend was no longer having a positive net effect on my life, or that we weren't compatible. Either way, for whatever the reason, I wanted to let you all know that I'm kind of incapable of harboring negative feelings for people, especially for long. My emotions move in the following order: anger--> disappointment--> reminiscence--> indifference--> closure. In conclusion, at some point, you all played an important role in my life, and this song goes out to all of you as well. Best of luck in future endeavors!
I've heard it said, That people come into our lives, for a reason, Bringing something we must learn. And we are led to those who help us most to grow, If we let them and we help them in return. Well, I don't know if I believe that's true. But I know I'm who I am today, Because I knew you.
Like a comet pulled from orbit, as it passes the sun, like a stream that meets a boulder, Halfway through the wood. Who can say if I've been changed for the better, But, because I knew you, I have been changed for good.
It well may be, That we will never meet again in this lifetime, So let me say before we part, So much of me, Is made of what I learned from you You'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend.
Like a ship blown from its mooring By a wind off the sea, Like a seed dropped by a sky bird, in a distant wood, Who can say if I've been changed for the better...
But, because i knew (because I knew you) I have been changed for good.
And just to clear the air, I ask forgiveness For the things I've done you blame me for. But then I guess we know there's blame to share. And none of it seems to matter anymore...
Like a comet pulled from orbit (like a ship blown from its mooring) As it passes the sun, (by a wind off the sea) Like a stream that meets a boulder (like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood)
Who can say if I've been changed for the better But, I do believe I have been changed for the better, And, because I knew you... (because I knew you) Because I knew you, I have been changed for good....
