During the latter part of 2010, I went through a period that from now on will be called “The Dark Ages.” Actually, 2010 was a very emotional year in general. Lots of things happened, some good, some bad, but all very emotional, nonetheless.
A very brief synopsis of the history behind “The Dark Ages” would go something along these lines: girl meets boy → boy seems to be perfect for girl → boy and girl grow close → boy tells girl he has feelings for her although he already has someone else → girl resists giving in, but ends up developing feelings for boy → boy ends up breaking girl’s heart quite ruthlessly.
Heartbreak is hard on everyone, but in a matter of a few months, I lost not one, but two of my closest friends. Also, I was undergoing a very rough transition in my life. All in all, the whole situation hit me harder than I expected. To top it off, I blamed myself for the heartbreak and sadness that I felt. I couldn’t believe that I, Krizia Bandy, keeper of knowledge, capable of understanding the most complex of concepts, had let myself be fooled in this manner. How could I let something as banal and trivial as love get to me so much??? The point is, I was very hard on myself, making me go down a rabbit hole that only exacerbated the negativity. Honestly, it was very hard to wake up in the mornings and go to school. Last semester has been the one that I skipped the most classes in my entire undergraduate career. Luckily, school has always been easy for me, so I was still able to get A’s in all of my classes, but all other aspects of my life shattered to pieces. I didn’t take care about my health – I indulged in anything I wanted to indulge in: food, alcohol (I didn’t become an alcoholic by any means, but you know what I mean.) I just felt an overwhelming sadness that didn’t want to go away.
One day I woke up and I realized that I wasn’t as sad anymore. One of my closest friends told me that giving in to the sadness is a lot easier than working to feel better, and this just made me react. I tried to be a charming social butterfly again, and little by little, the pieces started coming back together. Then, I came home for the holidays and realized how much I missed the feeling of belonging to a family. I had been in the United States since 2004, and it had been ages since I felt that I belonged in my home. However, these holidays were simply wonderful. It felt great to be loved for just being who I am once again. Part of the solitude I generally felt when I’m in Miami subsided. This is part of the reason why I decided to stay in Honduras for a couple of months and take a “sabbatical.”
The most important reason has to do with the fact that I will most likely become a US resident shortly, and as such, my tuition at FIU, or any other university in Florida, will be reduced significantly. I was pursuing a third Bachelors in Economics, and planned to be finished with it by April 2011. However, due to the very limited Economics program at FIU, I was not able to register all of the classes I needed, and would need to take not one, but two additional semesters to be done with the program. As an international student, 2 semesters at FIU are about $15,000 – a LOT of money. I already have 2 Bachelors, so I don’t really NEED a third degree. After realizing that the third Bachelors would be more of a burden that I’d initially planned for it to be, I found the whole thing to be unnecessary. If I do decide to finish it in the future when I’m a resident, it’ll be much cheaper anyways. Also, I’ve already applied to Columbia University and NYU for my Masters, so I just need to wait for their answers to know what’ll become of me.
Yet another reason why I decided to stay home is the fact that I wanted to take care of my health. I’ve always been overweight, and it’s an issue that’s always affected my wellbeing, particularly mentally. I’ve always wanted to take time off from “life” to diet and exercise, without having any other distractions. I just felt like it was now or never. I’ve just started the journey, but I’m feeling confident. Some of you may consider this to be shallow, or whatnot, but the truth is that appearances do matter, and not only that, but I want to put an end to a “problem” that has plagued me since I was a child. Even if I don’t “put an end” to it, I want to make significant improvement in the way I feel about myself. Who knows? Maybe then I’ll have even more confidence to take on the world.
All this sounds fine and dandy, but there is one drawback – I have almost no social life here! I miss my friends from Miami terribly. I feel that this last semester I was really able to connect with most of them – my emotional instability surprisingly allowed me to open up to them, enabling us to become closer. I never really felt like I belonged in Honduras, and most of the close friends I had in high school are now out of the country. So, it’ll be difficult to try to reintegrate myself into Honduran society. I’ll keep you updated on how it goes.
2 days into my return to Honduras, I have to say that I’m feeling rather content. I’m keeping myself busy: going to the gym, watching movies every night, reading, studying my languages, etc. I’ve decided to take life one day at a time. I needed this break. My heart was broken to pieces – I felt that no light could penetrate it ever again. And now, little by little, I’m regaining the confidence and optimism. The sadness and bitterness are now gone. I still miss how that person would make me feel, but I know that the feeling will fade with time as well.
Truthfully, I kind of feel like one of those socialites or princesses who retires to her summer home when she needs a break from the big city. Château Bandy is being kind to me. :)
