A little bit more about me...

I'm not a famous celebrity or anything of the sort, but I do try to make the lives of those that I come into contact with a bit more... colorful. Yes, let's use that word, colorful. At first sight, I may come off as conservative - I'm well aware of this. In fact, this is how I wish to portray myself. It's not that I'm really a snob (although I would call myself an elitist of sorts), but I tend to be very exclusive, in that I don't open up to most people. Unlike many, I have no desire to pursue fake relationships, or friendships of convenience. Whenever I let someone in, it's because they've "passed my tests," and I consider them to be worthy of my time. Yes, I know how this makes me sound: like a total stuck-up bitch! Well, hopefully, those who are reading this (or at least most of you) know me well enough already to know that as bitchy as I may come off to be, I'm just honest. I've built up good relationships with my close friends and family, and at this point, I feel comfortable to be myself with them and have no desire to lie about who I am.

Some of you may know that I have somewhat of a flair for the theatrical. Why? Well, it's not just because I love drama in general, but the truth is that I tend to lead a conservative and simple lifestyle. Therefore, I feel that I must get excitement from somewhere. Maybe this is the part of me that tends to attract equally (or more) dramatic people. (The study of why I attract some very odd individuals is still a work in progress.) Also, I know that I tend to exaggerate things, but it's only for my own entertainment and amusement. Despite the drama, I consider myself to be well grounded, at least enough to distinguish between fantasy and reality, and to get rid of precarious situations.

I was watching a Lady Gaga interview the other day (and yes, you all know that I adore her! If you don't, then you should go back to Krizia 101), and she said that she feels that part of her success comes from the fact that she is the director of every single aspect of her life: her music, her fashion, her interviews. She went on to say that in order to maintain this level of control, it helps to envision that there are cameras around her 24/7. I have to admit that at times I have also indulged in this sentiment. It's not that I think that I'm so fascinating that I would have cameras following me around 24/7, but I can relate to her in the sense that I feel that I must have self-control over everything I do at all times. I'm not going to lie, this can get a bit exhausting, but the few times I've tried to "let go" and completely lower my inhibitions have been somewhat disastrous! I know how crazy this might all sound, but I know that I can't be the only person who feels this way. Maybe, I'm just the only one who has the guts to make such a confession, but that's not the point. The point is, all of this is part of who I am: exclusive, dramatic, and a control freak! And to be honest, I like who I am...

Now, I'm going to switch gears and tell you what's actually been happening in my life. Tomorrow is my 4th or 5th weigh-in. For those who don't know, I go to a nutritionist every week, and she checks my weight and gives me a personalized menu designed to help me lose 2 pounds per week. At last week's weigh-in, I had already lost 8 pounds and 8 inches! So, tomorrow I expect to have lost another 2, and have reached the 10-pounds milestone! I'm still feeling very confident about this whole ordeal, and though I know I have a long way to go, I see nothing impeding my success! To help with my motivation, I told myself that after every 10-pounds lost, I would buy myself something nice, such as a new pair of shoes, a new shirt, etc. So, yes! Go me!

I expect that in less than a month I'll have heard from Columbia and NYU on whether they've accepted me or not, so until then, my plans are kind of frozen in space and time. I am seriously considering taking an online course designed to certify me in teaching English, in case I ever decide to go teach English to Japan or Europe... Who knows? All I know is that the future is mine, so we all better pray that the world doesn't come to an end in 2012! Hehe.

Solitude: Friend or foe?

What is it about solitude that terrifies us so? (At least most of us, anyways.) I’ve always said that I actually prize alone time because it gives me a chance to think, to pursue the things that I want to pursue, to get to know myself better. But, to be completely honest, I don’t think I’ve spent a single day in my entire existence completely and utterly alone. When I want to be alone, I just isolate myself physically from others – I lock myself in my room, close all the windows, and that’s it. But, I’ve always had the option of leaving my temporary hermit-dom to go talk to a family member in the living room or in the kitchen. When I hear stories of people who go off into the wild by themselves, I can’t help but wonder if I’d be able to do so myself, for even when I’m pretending to be a hermit, I’m never fully disconnected from the outside world – I’m checking my Facebook, am texting someone, reading news online, etc.

Part of the reason why I like to keep my mind busy and engaged all the time is because I’m not very good at dealing with my own thoughts and feelings. I will confess that it’s often the case when I purposely put off dealing with emotions because I don’t want to feel the hurt, the pain, etc. For me, at least, this is why solitude is so terrifying – it’s when all of the demons that live inside my mind come out to play. I tend to have so many thoughts in my mind at the same time that it feels as if it were spinning at light speed. Crazy, huh? Crazy, indeed!

Lately I’ve been realizing that my fear of solitude has been greatly unfounded. In fact, I’m willing to go as far as to say that solitude is highly misunderstood. I’m not a party girl by any means, but the last couple of months that I lived in Miami, I went out very, very frequently. I’d go out to dinner with friends, out for a drink, to the movies, coffee, anything – I really would accept most invitations that came my way. I have to admit that a great part of it was because I was going through a period of loss (heartbreak) and I didn’t want to deal with it. I’d do anything to get my mind off of the pain, the disappointment, and the rejection. I think that at the time I wasn’t ready to deal with it all, so I appreciate the efforts that my friends put into distracting me.

However, ever since I’ve been in Honduras, I’ve had almost no social life at all. Furthermore, I realized that my isolation has been greatly by choice; it’s as if I unconsciously forced myself into a period of loneliness just so that I could finally deal with my untouched emotions. Thankfully, it’s worked. I’ve come to see that there can be something very beautiful about solitude.

I’m usually the kind of person who tries to analyze everything, give logical explanations to all kinds of phenomena, and whose mind never rests. I’ve still got a long way to go before I can completely relax my mind, but the fact that I’ve started to make use of my alone time has certainly helped me tremendously. I realized that I don’t have to be afraid of the demons of my past anymore, for at the end of the day, everything I think is within myself, and as such, I have the power to control it. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I felt sad for having lost someone who I cared about, so I finally starting to deal with this pain. At the beginning I tried to analyze the whole situation, trying to figure out what I’d done wrong, or what the turning point had been, but I came to see that I’d never know the whole truth, and that the past was the past anyways. So, I focused on recovering the good memories I’d made with this person, letting them know that the past was the past, and asking for forgiveness for my mistakes, while accepting that they wouldn’t be a part of my present or my future, and that I would be okay. Little did I know that by befriending one of the demons, I’d invited all the others to come out and play. Little by little, I started uncovering things about myself that I wasn’t okay with, but that I knew I had to deal with now, for I’d neglected them in the past. Well, it suffices to say that it’s an ongoing process with no deadline.

The whole point of this blog was not really to talk about myself, but to let you see that there can be something very beneficial about solitude, and that we must not fear it. What’s worked for me is to seek a greater intimacy and understanding of myself by accepting my past mistakes and flaws. For others, the greatness in solitude may lie in a sense of relief of social obligations, etc. Whatever the reason, I advise all of you to find something that you enjoy about being alone, and to cultivate it. Take 20 minutes a day to just sit by yourself, disconnect from the world, relax, and just let a flow of thoughts invade your mind, without trying to resist them. Soon enough, your own demons will emerge, and terrifying at first, you’ll realize that they’re nothing but a super-sized bully of yourself. And how do we deal with bullies? Well, we stand up to them! If you’re not ready for this quite yet, then take your alone time as a chance to rediscover yourself. Think about your body, your thoughts, your personality, those distinct features that make you YOU, and go from there.

At this point you may be asking yourself, what’s the point of all this? Well, let me answer this by means of a quote: "When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others." The more progress you make, the more you’ll come to see that your relationships with others will start to transform before your very eyes. You’ll no longer feel the need to play games with people, or to make your actions dependent on social obligations. We live in a time when we’re more interconnected than ever before: Skype, Facebook, Twitter, text messages, and the list goes on, but with how many others do you actually pursue an emotional, deep connection with? Often times, we make friends on the basis that we have one thing in common, and that’s it. We go out, have fun, but do we really try to discover how their soul works, how their mind thinks? I can’t generalize, but most of the time, we don’t. It’s like we use others to fill a void, and we justify it by saying that they do the same. I’m not necessarily saying that there is anything wrong with this kind of relationship, but every once in a while, I do enjoy making a connection with someone else's soul. Being at peace with yourself will strip you from unnecessary elements, and will allow you to connect with others at a deeper level, or to at least try to (many times, the other person doesn’t cooperate.)

Still with me? If you’ve made it this far, kudos! We’re almost done. What are you to take from all of this: embrace solitude as a way to rediscover yourself, and as a starting point to cultivating deeper relationships with others. I’ll end with a quote from Gandhi: “As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world - that is the myth of the 'atomic age' - as in being able to remake ourselves."

The Jasmine Teahouse

In the last couple of days, I have received several inquiries about the revolts that are happening in the Middle East. I am by no means an expert on the Middle East – those who know me well, know that I specialized on East Asia while I was in college. However, I still am an International Affairs professional, and as such I should be able to concisely, but analytically summarize what’s going on in the Middle East at the moment.

We shall start our journey in Tunisia. First of all, Tunisia is the northernmost country in Africa and has a population of about 10 million people. It also happens to be the second richest country in Africa (the first being South Africa, in case you didn’t know.) Tunisia is a republic, meaning that there exists a separation of power between the executive and legislative branches of government, but until very recently, it was ruled by an authoritarian regime. President Zine El Abidine Ben Ali had been in power in Tunisia since 1987 – that’s 23 years! So, what happened? Despite the fact that Tunisia was doing relatively well economically compared to the rest of the African nations, it still had a lot of unemployment, food inflation, corruption, poor living conditions, and a lack of freedom of speech. The uprisings started sometime in mid-December of last year, but were exacerbated when Mohamed Bouazizi, protesting corruption and mistreatment by the police, set himself on fire on December 18, 2010. Mohamed Bouazizi was just your regular street vendor who had his goods confiscated by the police. In an act of solidarity towards Bouazizi, thousands of protesters gathered outside government buildings, but were “pacified” by the police. The revolts started growing and growing until Ben Ali, in order to appease the people, officially resigned on January 15, 2011. An interim government immediately took possession of power. It was comprised of 12 RCD (Constitutional Democratic Party, Ben Ali’s party) members, and a few others from 3 of the opposition parties. Free and transparent elections are to be held in Tunisia sometime in the next 6 months. However, Tunisians are not happy by the fact that the current government is made up of so many RCD members. Protests are still ongoing and the fate of the Tunisian government (and subsequently people) has yet to be decided. The Tunisian uprisings have also come to be known as the “the Jasmine Revolution” by the Western media.

The scent of the “Jasmine Revolution” has spread to other Arab countries, primarily Egypt and Yemen. Now, for those of you who don’t know, Egypt has been under a state of Emergency Law since 1967. Essentially, this means that police powers are extended, constitutional rights are suspended to a great degree, and censorship is legalized. Egypt’s President Mubarak has been in power since 1981, and was planning to run once again in the country’s upcoming elections. However, following Tunisia’s example, the citizens of Egypt decided to take a stand and started protesting on January 25, 2011. These are said to be the largest demonstrations in Egypt since 1977. As in Tunisia, Egyptians are protesting against: police brutality, the state of Emergency Law, lack of free speech, low minimum wages, high unemployment, corruption, etc. The city of Cairo is reported to be in complete chaos, despite policemen’s efforts to keep order and stability. A curfew has been set in place, and all those who are found to be in violation of it are threatened by gunshot. President Mubarak has not stepped down from his post, but he has dissolved his government and appointed new officials. Deaths in Egypt are reported to be well above the 150 mark.

The importance of the revolts in the Middle East transcends the peace and stability of the countries themselves. Out of the all the Arab states, only 3 are considered to be democratic: 1) Iraq – with its “democracy” being forced upon it by the United States; 2) Palestine – which is not even considered to be a sovereign nation-state under the watchful eyes of several other nations; 3) Lebanon – whose “democracy” is as stable as a pile of books resting on a single apple, and as transparent as mud. Also, President Mubarak is considered to be an essential figure in concreting and maintaining the peace treaty between Egypt and Israel. As such, he is deemed to be a great ally of the West in their efforts to make a reality out of the Middle East peace efforts. You may ask yourselves, is the Arabs’ need for democracy finally awakening? Will all autocratic regimes in the regime start to topple one by one, as a domino effect? If they do, will the Arab nations see a return of the Islamic caliphate? These are all questions that are yet to be answered, but close monitoring of the situation in the Middle East is imperative in the days and months to come.

Bittersweet

Blessed be the emotions that once ran through my abandoned heart,
The very heart that was in deep slumber,
And had been in that state for what it seemed to be a thousand years.

But cursed be the pain,
The excruciating, life-sucking throbbing of the heart that took away my happiness, my hope, my soul…

Soul, which had grown accustomed to your poetry,
And had accepted the challenge of unraveling the great mystery that was you,
Willing to oversee your vices, your flaws, your sins…

But alas, soon I realized the path I was to embark upon.

I found myself alone, once again, utterly alone,
Without you by my side, without you to hypnotize me with your rhetoric…
A bittersweet anxiety overcame me,
Bitter, as is the longing of something that had once been close to being my own, but had slipped through my fingers, just as the smoothest silk slips through a child’s unlabored hand…
Sweet, as was the realization that I was free, that my soul belonged once again to me, and to me alone.

Dark Ages and Château Bandy... A glimpse into my life these days..

During the latter part of 2010, I went through a period that from now on will be called “The Dark Ages.” Actually, 2010 was a very emotional year in general. Lots of things happened, some good, some bad, but all very emotional, nonetheless.

A very brief synopsis of the history behind “The Dark Ages” would go something along these lines: girl meets boy → boy seems to be perfect for girl → boy and girl grow close → boy tells girl he has feelings for her although he already has someone else → girl resists giving in, but ends up developing feelings for boy → boy ends up breaking girl’s heart quite ruthlessly.

Heartbreak is hard on everyone, but in a matter of a few months, I lost not one, but two of my closest friends. Also, I was undergoing a very rough transition in my life. All in all, the whole situation hit me harder than I expected. To top it off, I blamed myself for the heartbreak and sadness that I felt. I couldn’t believe that I, Krizia Bandy, keeper of knowledge, capable of understanding the most complex of concepts, had let myself be fooled in this manner. How could I let something as banal and trivial as love get to me so much??? The point is, I was very hard on myself, making me go down a rabbit hole that only exacerbated the negativity. Honestly, it was very hard to wake up in the mornings and go to school. Last semester has been the one that I skipped the most classes in my entire undergraduate career. Luckily, school has always been easy for me, so I was still able to get A’s in all of my classes, but all other aspects of my life shattered to pieces. I didn’t take care about my health – I indulged in anything I wanted to indulge in: food, alcohol (I didn’t become an alcoholic by any means, but you know what I mean.) I just felt an overwhelming sadness that didn’t want to go away.

One day I woke up and I realized that I wasn’t as sad anymore. One of my closest friends told me that giving in to the sadness is a lot easier than working to feel better, and this just made me react. I tried to be a charming social butterfly again, and little by little, the pieces started coming back together. Then, I came home for the holidays and realized how much I missed the feeling of belonging to a family. I had been in the United States since 2004, and it had been ages since I felt that I belonged in my home. However, these holidays were simply wonderful. It felt great to be loved for just being who I am once again. Part of the solitude I generally felt when I’m in Miami subsided. This is part of the reason why I decided to stay in Honduras for a couple of months and take a “sabbatical.”

The most important reason has to do with the fact that I will most likely become a US resident shortly, and as such, my tuition at FIU, or any other university in Florida, will be reduced significantly. I was pursuing a third Bachelors in Economics, and planned to be finished with it by April 2011. However, due to the very limited Economics program at FIU, I was not able to register all of the classes I needed, and would need to take not one, but two additional semesters to be done with the program. As an international student, 2 semesters at FIU are about $15,000 – a LOT of money. I already have 2 Bachelors, so I don’t really NEED a third degree. After realizing that the third Bachelors would be more of a burden that I’d initially planned for it to be, I found the whole thing to be unnecessary. If I do decide to finish it in the future when I’m a resident, it’ll be much cheaper anyways. Also, I’ve already applied to Columbia University and NYU for my Masters, so I just need to wait for their answers to know what’ll become of me.

Yet another reason why I decided to stay home is the fact that I wanted to take care of my health. I’ve always been overweight, and it’s an issue that’s always affected my wellbeing, particularly mentally. I’ve always wanted to take time off from “life” to diet and exercise, without having any other distractions. I just felt like it was now or never. I’ve just started the journey, but I’m feeling confident. Some of you may consider this to be shallow, or whatnot, but the truth is that appearances do matter, and not only that, but I want to put an end to a “problem” that has plagued me since I was a child. Even if I don’t “put an end” to it, I want to make significant improvement in the way I feel about myself. Who knows? Maybe then I’ll have even more confidence to take on the world.

All this sounds fine and dandy, but there is one drawback – I have almost no social life here! I miss my friends from Miami terribly. I feel that this last semester I was really able to connect with most of them – my emotional instability surprisingly allowed me to open up to them, enabling us to become closer. I never really felt like I belonged in Honduras, and most of the close friends I had in high school are now out of the country. So, it’ll be difficult to try to reintegrate myself into Honduran society. I’ll keep you updated on how it goes.

2 days into my return to Honduras, I have to say that I’m feeling rather content. I’m keeping myself busy: going to the gym, watching movies every night, reading, studying my languages, etc. I’ve decided to take life one day at a time. I needed this break. My heart was broken to pieces – I felt that no light could penetrate it ever again. And now, little by little, I’m regaining the confidence and optimism. The sadness and bitterness are now gone. I still miss how that person would make me feel, but I know that the feeling will fade with time as well.

Truthfully, I kind of feel like one of those socialites or princesses who retires to her summer home when she needs a break from the big city. Château Bandy is being kind to me. :)

Goodbye.

My Dearest __ ,

It is with the greatest sorrow that I must inform you that the time has come... The point of no return is finally upon us. I must bid you adieu once and for all…

Truthfully, I am still confused at how it all came to this. Once upon a time, you were my one and only raison d'être. I was so foolish and naïve that at times I even thought I had dreamt you into existence; that you would be the one thing in my life that would go right. I had to feel you, hear you, breathe you – it was all you. And then, on that fateful day, it all changed forever. In my eyes, despite your million flaws, you were perfect and could do no wrong. You would light up my life by just looking my way, and with one of your smiles, you could take away my deepest sadness and perennial loneliness. You were my knight-in-shining-armor; all of the verses in the poetry that I had yet to write. My last hope, my one dream, the only friend that I could ever want…

But now, you’ve been reduced to nothing – a mere memory, just another page in a notebook. The illusion has been shattered and for a long time, I found myself in a desert of pain and agony that simply did not want to go away. And now, I’ve come to see that you were not that special… I was simply blinded by the magic that I thought was you. So, in an act of self-preservation, I say “goodbye" for now.... No, for always...

Sincerely,

__ .

Strike 2

You know, you're funny! You may think you're very clever and whatnot. You think it's cute to "sneak around." No, no, no, no, no. Trust: whatever you do, and whatever you've done, it's because I have planned for it to be that way. Actually, it's been quite easy to play this game. I'm surprised that you just fall into the trap every time. Sigh. Some people never learn. Word of advice, don't mess with an International Relations major, especially not a smart one. When certain behaviors become frequent, they become patterns; and patterns can be ascribed to personal traits. One good thing about not seeking to be the center of attention at all times: you get to observe people, analyze their behavior, and learn how to attribute certain patterns of behavior to their personalities. Get my drift? Probability not... Maybe I have turned a bit evil after all... You get an A for the effort you put in trying to outsmart. But, it's not gonna happen. It's just not. Face it. And now you're thinking to yourself, "Is this about me? Does she know?" Intriguing, eh? But guess what, that's one secret I'll never tell. XOXO.