We're just trying to find some meaning in the things that we believe in, but we've got some way to go.
Today was an emotionally charged and confusing day. In the
past, whenever I’ve felt that ideas are just floating around aimlessly in my
mind, I’ve found that writing out what I think helps me get a sense of
organization and clarity. So, let’s see how this goes.
I’ve always felt that there are two kinds of people in this
world: 1) Those who can just get up in the morning and go on about their day
(as repetitive and monotonous as it may be), without giving much thought, or who at least actively choose to avoid thinking about the
deeper things in life; and 2) Those who, on the contrary, spend most of their
days lost in thought, trying to get at least a semblance of a grasp on the
human experience – our purpose, our nature, our destiny, etc. Maybe this is a
somewhat overly simplistic view, but in general, I truly do feel that
it is relevant. As you might all imagine, I consider myself to be a part of the
second category and sometimes, I truly do envy those who lead, what I consider
to be, a much simpler (only theoretically, of course; also note that I said simpler, not easier) life.
I’ve always considered myself to be an existentialist, and
am partial to the teachings of Soren Kierkegaard, who essentially claims that
each person is responsible for figuring out the meaning of his/her own life. In
all of my experiences, I’ve found that everything is relative – every coin has
two sides, every story can be told from many different perspectives, and as the
rational individual that I pride myself in being, I truly find it difficult to just
accept things at their face value, or as are they presented to me. I’ve always
been a curious individual, sometimes even picking at things that maybe I
shouldn’t have been picking it, but it is a part of my nature. Now, the problem
with the existentialist approach is that by being so relativist, you may very
well run the risk of not believing in anything. At which point, you become a
nihilist.
To me, nihilism is a synonym of despair. Deep down,
regardless of my particular circumstances at any given point in time, I truly
do want to believe in something. The existentialist side of me would say that I’m
okay as long as I believe in myself, my experience, my reality, etc. However,
I’ve found that believing in only myself, hasn’t fulfilled me as I expected it
to. Again, using my logic, this would lead me to believe that I need to be able
to hold on to something greater than myself.
The obvious, and favored choice of most human beings, would
definitely be God. Since I was raised Roman Catholic, my value system is
definitely rooted in Christianity, but – at the risk of being labeled or judged – I simply
lack the faith required to believe in God. Which seems to be my general dilemma,
doesn’t it? I seem to be lacking in the faith department. Let it be noted that
I’m not criticizing those of you who are believers. Again, my existentialist
tendencies make me think that everyone has the right to believe in what works
for them (Christians, Hindus, Muslims, etc.)
At times I think that nature is so perfect that it had to be
created by an Ultimate being. But at the same time, there’s a part of me that
believes in evolution and natural selection. Organisms as we know them today
(including humans), came to be perfect after hundreds and thousands of years of
trial-and-error. That said, we’ve been conditioned to believe that everything
has a beginning and an end. If that is the case, then we can only conclude that
there must have been something to cause the first spark, something to initiate
it all. But we also have the laws of physics, which tell us that mass can
neither be created nor destroyed. And this, people, is my stream of thought –
EVERYDAY. I have so many contradictory ideas, all which seem to have some sense
and logic behind them, that I truly find it difficult (and even overwhelming,
at times) to just believe in one.
I’m slowly coming to the realization that this is my reality
– I’m in a constant state of flux, and there will be people who will never
understand me, much less respect me for not "sticking to just one thing." One of my best friends gave me a
great analogy today: life is like a waiting room, we’re all waiting to hear back from
the doctor, and we’re all reading different magazines while we wait. Some
people will stick to one particular magazine – Vogue, The Economist, Psychology
Today, etc., but there are others who will read every single magazine in the
room, possibly multiple times each. What works for other people doesn’t
necessarily have to work for me – and that’s okay. Even though I always take
pride in being unique, I have to embrace the whole spectrum of my particular
uniqueness. And that just happens to involve being insatiably (and sometimes painstakingly) curious.
I can only hope that one day I’ll have whole-hearted faith
in something, or perhaps it’ll be someone. However, I also have to be open to
the possibility that for me, it may not necessarily be about the end goal, but instead
about the journey – the waiting. More importantly, I need to learn how to be
okay with either scenario.
