Goodbye.

My Dearest __ ,

It is with the greatest sorrow that I must inform you that the time has come... The point of no return is finally upon us. I must bid you adieu once and for all…

Truthfully, I am still confused at how it all came to this. Once upon a time, you were my one and only raison d'être. I was so foolish and naïve that at times I even thought I had dreamt you into existence; that you would be the one thing in my life that would go right. I had to feel you, hear you, breathe you – it was all you. And then, on that fateful day, it all changed forever. In my eyes, despite your million flaws, you were perfect and could do no wrong. You would light up my life by just looking my way, and with one of your smiles, you could take away my deepest sadness and perennial loneliness. You were my knight-in-shining-armor; all of the verses in the poetry that I had yet to write. My last hope, my one dream, the only friend that I could ever want…

But now, you’ve been reduced to nothing – a mere memory, just another page in a notebook. The illusion has been shattered and for a long time, I found myself in a desert of pain and agony that simply did not want to go away. And now, I’ve come to see that you were not that special… I was simply blinded by the magic that I thought was you. So, in an act of self-preservation, I say “goodbye" for now.... No, for always...

Sincerely,

__ .

Strike 2

You know, you're funny! You may think you're very clever and whatnot. You think it's cute to "sneak around." No, no, no, no, no. Trust: whatever you do, and whatever you've done, it's because I have planned for it to be that way. Actually, it's been quite easy to play this game. I'm surprised that you just fall into the trap every time. Sigh. Some people never learn. Word of advice, don't mess with an International Relations major, especially not a smart one. When certain behaviors become frequent, they become patterns; and patterns can be ascribed to personal traits. One good thing about not seeking to be the center of attention at all times: you get to observe people, analyze their behavior, and learn how to attribute certain patterns of behavior to their personalities. Get my drift? Probability not... Maybe I have turned a bit evil after all... You get an A for the effort you put in trying to outsmart. But, it's not gonna happen. It's just not. Face it. And now you're thinking to yourself, "Is this about me? Does she know?" Intriguing, eh? But guess what, that's one secret I'll never tell. XOXO.

Saikin ha...

Art Basel, 12/02/10

Art Basel was very enjoyable. My volunteering shift was from 9-11:45 and after spending 30 minutes driving around the craziness trying to find parking, I ended up just paying $20 to be able to park in a secure area. I walked up to the Sanrio Small Gift Shop, told them that I was a volunteer, and was let in immediately. (There was a huge line of people trying to get into the exhibition.) However, when I walked in, they told me that there really wasn't anything for me to do anymore, but that I was more than welcome to stay and enjoy all of the perks of the VIP party that was going on. (Which I did, obviously.) So, I walked around, looking at all of the Hello Kitty AWESOMENESS that was going on (and yes, there is no other word to describe it, AWESOMENESS!) I even found myself a Nihonjin (Japanese person, for those non-Japanese speakers) to practice Nihongo with. She ended up being a representative from the Tokyo branch of Sanrio (!!!) I guess she either liked me, or was impressed by my Japanese language skills because she gave me a Hello Kitty cell phone strap. I walked around for a bit more, and decided to leave after 45 minutes because there wasn't much for me to do anymore. Besides, I needed to wake up early the next day for my last day of school.

Merce Cunningham, 12/03/10

Last night was my first volunteer experience as an usher at the Adrienne Arsht Center. I will be going out of the country soon, and will be gone for quite for a few weeks, so I wanted to have at least some volunteer experience before I left. The performance that I was ushering for was Merce Cunningham Dance Company. It was... interesting. There were actually 3 different stages, and the dancers moves around between them. Also, the patrons were allowed to be on stage with the dancers, and were encouraged to move around. In that sense, I thought the performance was pretty cool - you could really see it from all possible angles. The choreography was an interpretative dance of sorts and the music was, well not really music; I'd describe it as just a conglomeration of different sounds. Either way, I had an opportunity to see something new and different (for free, hehe.)

Next week: FINALS

Following week: GRE and my trip!

Art Basel

At the very last minute I was able to secure a position volunteering at Art Basel Miami Beach with no other than... (drum roll, please) ... SANRIO! I'm so excited. Tonight is actually the opening of Art Basel, and for those of you who don't know, Art Basel Miami Beach is probably the most important art event of the year here in the US. Not only that, but I love Hello Kitty and all of the cuteness that has been developed by Sanrio. I'm actually doing a presentation for my Japanese class on かわいい文化 (kawaii bunka, or the culture of cute.) So, this is a great opportunity!

Space bound

*This song really hit home.*

(Verse 1)

We touch, I feel a rush, we clutch, it isn't much
But it's enough to make me wonder what's in store for us
It's lust, it's torturous, you must be a sorcerous
Cause you just, did the impossible, gained my trust
Don't play games it'll be dangerous if you fuck me over
Cause if I get burnt, I'ma show ya what it's like to hurt
Cause I've been treated like dirt befo' ya
And love is "evol", spell it backwards, I'll show ya

Nobody knows me, I'm cold, walk down this road all alone
It's no one's fault but my own, it's the path I've chosen to go
Frozen as snow, I show no emotion what'so ever, so
Don't ask me why I have no love for these mo'fuckin' hoes

Blood-suckin' succubuses, what the fuck is up with this?
I've tried in this department, but, I ain't had no luck with this
It sucks but it's exactly what I thought it would be like tryin' to start over
I've got a hole in my heart from some kind of emotional roller-coasta';
Somethin' I won't go on till you toy with my emotions, so it's over
It's like an explosion every time I hold ya, wasn't jokin' when I told ya
You take my breath away, you're a supernova
And I'm a...

(Chorus)

I'm a space-bound rocketship and your heart's the moon
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
250, 000 miles on a clear night in June
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
Right at you

(Verse 2)

I'll do whatever it takes, when I'm with you, I get the shakes
My body aches when I ain't with you, I have zero strength
There's no limit on how far I would go, no boundaries, no lengths
Why do we say that until we get that person that we think's
Gonna be that one and then once we get 'em, it's never the same
You want 'em when they don't want you, soon as they do, feelin's change
It's not a contest and I ain't on no conquest for no mate
I wasn't lookin' when I stumbled onto you, musta been fate
But so much is at stake, what the fuck does it take, let's cut to the chase
'Fore the door shuts in your face, promise me if I cave in and break
And leave myself open that I won't be makin' a mistake
Cause I'm a

(Chorus)

I'm a space-bound rocketship and your heart's the moon
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
250, 000 miles on a clear night in June
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
Right at you

(Verse 3)

So after a year and 6 months, it's no longer me that you want
But I love you so much it hurts, never mistreated you once
I poured my heart out to you, let down my guard, swear to God
I'll blow my brains in your lap, lay here and die in your arms
Drop to my knees and I'm pleadin', I'm tryin' to stop you from leavin'
You won't even listen, so fuck it, I'm tryin' to stop you from breathin'
I put both hands on your throat, I sit on top of you, squeezin'
Til' I snap your neck like a Popsicle stick, ain't a possible reason
I can think of to let you walk up out this house and let you live
Tears stream down both of my cheeks, then I let you go and just give
And before I put that gun to my temple, I told you this

(Bridge)

And I would've did anything for you
To show you how much I adored you
But it's over now, it's too late to save our
Love
Just promise me you'll think of me
Every time you look up in the sky and see a star
Cuz I'm a

(Chorus)

I'm a space-bound rocketship and your heart's the moon
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
250, 000 miles and a clear night in June
And I'm so lost without you
Without you
Without you

Dans mes pensées...

As keepers of our own free will, we are the only ones responsible for what happens in our lives. Every time we perform an action it means that we had a choice to go through with it or not. As humans, it is in our very nature to err. As a result, our actions may sometimes be misguided and may end up hurting those we care about the most. Once again, it is up to us to take action: we can either assume responsibility for the pain we've caused and apologize, or we can simply do nothing.

Personally, I hate feeling like I have unfinished business with others (especially if they were once important in my life), so I would much rather put my pride aside and apologize before I let a situation drag on forever. What happens when it's the other way around, and you're the one who has been hurt? Since you cannot control others' actions, and make them apologize, it is up to you to pick up the pieces of your bruised and battered heart, and make yourself feel better. You, and you alone, are the sole navigator of your life and commander of your emotions.

Easier said than done, eh? Well, it is of utmost importance that you first and foremost learn how to control your thoughts. Emotions are originated within your thoughts; from your perceptions and interpretations of everything and everyone that surrounds you. Once you've mastered this crucial step, I think you will have successfully differentiated yourself from the rest of mankind. With right thought, comes right action. How very Buddhist of me, eh? In reality, it isn't about religion at all. It's just something that I've found to be very true, and something that I myself must consciously work on everyday.

For instance, how many of us are guilty for looking at old photographs, rereading old emails, or looking up people we've lost contact with? We know that the past isn't going to come back to us, yet we still find ourselves devoting some of our time and energy thinking about it. Please don't misinterpret what I'm trying to say, I don't think there is anything wrong with reliving the past, but many times, reliving the past is painful to us - either because a particular memory is painful itself, or because it hurts us that things have changed. Why do we engage in this behavior? Part of me feels that it is precisely because human beings are averse to change and prefer to remain within their comfort zones, what they've grown accustomed to. However, I take pride in being someone who can adjust to new situations quickly. Finding myself in a new environment, meeting new people, or having changed aspects of my personality shouldn't bother me, right? Maybe human beings are masochistic to a certain degree, and we enjoy reliving a painful past simply because we want to feel the strong emotions again? Sounds ludicrous, but I would bet that for some, the reality isn't that far off.

And I come back to the main point of this entire ramble, we are responsible for our lives - everything that happens to us and everything that we feel. I'd like to say that I've discovered the secret to leading a happy, meaningful life, but alas, I'm afraid I'm still a toddler, barely scratching the surface of it all. So what's waiting for us when we finally find this mythical happiness? A Shangri-La where unicorns, mermaids, and Yetis harmoniously coexist as they sit on marble benches to drink mimosas and observe double rainbows? Probably not. It is my opinion that happiness isn't an end goal, but rather a process. It's about enjoying the here and the now, even if your reality isn't what you'd wish it would be. Above all, it's about taking responsibility for your life! You'd be surprised how liberating it feels to know that you and you alone are responsible for your state of mind and well-being.

***So, since the holidays are coming up, it is through this medium that I decide to apologize to those who, for some reason or another, I've hurt with my actions or words. If I have hurt you, trust me when I say that I probably didn't mean to. To those that have hurt me, well, I can't say much except that I'm trying to forgive and forget, not necessarily because you deserve it, but simply because I realized that by holding on to negative emotions, I keep myself from moving on to greater and grander things.***

The most wonderful time of the year

Now that THAT'S out of my system, let me update you guys on what's actually going on in my life. As far as school is concerned, my classes are going smoothly. However, there is a possibility that I won't enroll at FIU next semester. It turns out that the Economics department at FIU is very limited and I haven't been able to enroll in all of the classes I need to take in order to graduate with my third degree by Spring. Since I am planning on going to graduate school in Fall 2011, and already have 2 degrees anyways, it strikes me as pointless to continue studying when I won't be able to finish my third major before then. That said, studying is always better than the alternative, being idle in Honduras. I've got a lot to think about, so I'll let you know what I decide.

I'm finally a volunteer at the Adrienne Arsht Performing Arts Center! Essentially, I'm an usher during performances, but I can be assigned other miscellaneous tasks, too. I've also been volunteering more frequently with Hands on Miami. I'm just trying to keep myself as busy as possible while I finish up grad school applications.

In terms of my romantic situation... Well, to be honest, I kind of started liking someone new. But, as much as I wanted to encourage any kind of positive feelings I might be having, my crush quickly died out. I find it harder and harder to trust people these days, but am doing everything in power to prevent myself from becoming a misanthrope. The fact is I am more fabulous than most people my age, but my fabulosity is highly misunderstood. I still refuse to become one of those girls who is best known for her skills on the mattress though. Just saying... Hehe.