Perfectly imperfect

For as long as I can remember, trying to attain perfection has been a goal that has never strayed from my every conscious thought.

Every single moment in my life (at least that I can recall) has been carefully planned, timed, and measured. For me, everything has a purpose, a deadline. I’ve even established, quite methodically I might add, a scrupulous code of behavior to serve as a guideline for my daily life; and under no circumstance am I allowed to deviate from such pre-established boundaries.

This is probably one of the reasons why I am so obsessed with losing weight – I’m fixated on being perfect. Or at least to desperately match the idea that I have of perfection (because let's be honest, "perfection" as a concept is probably as subjective as it can get.) In any case, I think that I'm finally over unrealistic expectations (aka, delusions) and have finally realized that this is no way to live. It’s exhausting!

I’m not sure at what age children become conscious of their own bodies (and the dimensions that these bodies have), but I’m pretty sure that I’ve had a tape playing in my mind telling me to lose weight for at least 22 years. It’s pure madness!

And to make it even worse, my internal monologue is quite cruel and harsh. I’ll be completely honest; the inner Krizia is a total bitch! I would never EVER in a million years say to my friends some of the things that I’ve said to myself. With my friends I’m all about the positive encouragement: “You’re great. You’re fabulous. You can do it.” But for some reason, probably because I think it’s “motivating,” I’ve not only created, but actually encouraged, a form of inner terrorism. And the time has come for it to end! I know that it will probably be a lifelong struggle, but it must be done. And I'm not saying that I'm just gonna vegetate in front of the couch with a six-pack of beer and pizza from now on. Certainly not! All I'm saying is I'm gonna stop saying harsh things about myself (to myself), and make a commitment to really work on my well-being: physically, emotionally, and intellectually.

This spiel isn’t just a result of the fact that my self-confidence seems to be making a comeback. The truth is, I’ve realized that at the end of it all, the people who we think are perfect, aren’t even that interesting. In this respect, I’ve actually been quite hypocritical myself. I’ve been trying to be perfect for as long as I can remember, but I’ve always made fun of those individuals who ooze perfection, claiming that anybody who is that perfect must also be undeniably boring.

There’s a term in Japanese, wabi-sabi, that probably better encapsulates what I’m trying to get to. The word wabi is roughly translated as quietness or “understated elegance” and sabi refers to the beauty and serenity that comes with old age. Essentially, wabi-sabi is a celebration of imperfection and impermanence.

The way that I like to define wabi-sabi is by using a phrase that one of my friends once used to describe me, “perfectly imperfect.”

My particular circumstances and individual experiences have shaped me into the person that I am today, and regardless of what I may think of myself (or what others may think of me), I am unique in this world - I am perfectly imperfect - and that is reason enough to be considered as beautiful. Warning. I may go a bit overboard with the cheesiness now by saying this, but I am a dynamic work of art that will only last for a limited time. C’mon, wouldn’t any art connoisseur pay good money to see that at the Louvre? Hehehe.

I’m done with perfection. I’m even done with trying to find the perfect soulmate. (Seriously, the list has been officially thrown away!) I’ve already fallen in love with someone who I thought was perfect, and that ended up being the worst debacle in my entire dating history! At this point I’ve already realized that possessing certain traits (whether physically or otherwise) doesn’t necessarily make anyone a better fit for me. Honestly, it’s just about finding someone who will “get me,” someone who will accept me for who I am (and who I’m not), someone who’ll need me in his life, and someone to whom I’ll be “the butter to his bread and the breath to his life.” (In case anyone’s wondering, that last part was from the movie Julie & Julia.)  

I’m not even sure anymore of what direction I wanted this post to take, so I’ll cut it short. All I’m saying is, even though it may not seem that way, each and every single one of us is fighting an internal battle: whether we’re fighting hard to put food on the table, trying to love ourselves, getting over a heartbreak, wanting to be accepted by our families, etc. So, be kind to others. But don’t forget to also be kind to yourself. The truth is the world could use a bit more kindness, couldn't it?

This song has nothing to do with the subject matter at hand. However, I felt it was necessarily to include it because it was on repeat while I was writing. Therefore, in some way or another, I'm sure it fomented the "creative process." And it's just a damn good song...