Ghost in the machine

It feels like I'm drowning in a pool of books, papers, and flashcards. I have the GRE in less than 2 weeks and we all know that if I want to have any shot of getting into Columbia, I need to ace it. I'm actually feeling confident about it, but that doesn't mean that I will let my guard down and let it sneak up on me. On top of that, between this and the following week, I'm having midterms in all of my classes. Ah, the beauty of being a student... Solow model, Kuznet's curve, expected rate of exchange, depreciation, appreciation, interest parity condition, vituperation, philistine, toady, etc...

On top of that, my older brother was admitted into the hospital because of an acute abdominal pain. It seems that he's had an intestinal rupture and is under observation to see how he reacts to the antibiotics they're giving him. I feel so powerless. This is when I start questioning whether any of it is worth it... In the hopes of making my career aspirations a reality, I sacrifice time with the only people that have always been there for me. If the medicine that they're giving him works well, he will not need surgery. But we still have to wait a couple of days. My brother is strong, and I know he'll react well to the treatment, and will be his cheerful, World-of-Warcraft playing self once again, but I just wish that I could be there to cheer him on, while at the same time fighting for my own goals... The bittersweet pleasure of life.

At least it feels that everyday I am coming more and more to terms with my reality. I had a very emotional conversation with one of my best friends the other night, and he suggested that I needed to face my emotions, even if they were painful. Sure enough, I realized that I hadn't been dealing with my feelings very well in the last couple of months. In an effort to be perceived as a "strong" person, I've been shying away from things that I've wanted to say. Everyone always has a need to be vindicated. We always want people who disagree with us to see our points of view, and if not agree with them, at least to recognize and acknowledge them. He told me that in order to have harmonious relations with others, we must find peace within ourselves first. And so, I am trying to do just that. That night, right after we ended our conversation, I let myself feel the pain of the rejection, humiliation, and disappointment that I'd been ignoring for the last couple of months. In a way, it felt as if a part of me had been liberated. Of course, it is going to take much more than one night of intensive therapy to free myself from it all. But, I know it can be done...

As of late...

I just realized that it’s been a while since I actually wrote something on here. I’ve been posting songs, but that’s about it. The truth is, I’ve actually been quite busy. As most of you who follow me already know (and yes, of course I know who follows me – I’m from a third world country and my grandfather was kidnapped, for crying out loud! You thought I wouldn’t take precautionary measures to ensure my safety…? Again, I’m much smarter than most people give me credit for… but, I digress), I’m taking 4 classes at FIU: International Macroeconomics, Applied Macroeconomics, Economic Development, and Advanced Japanese Conversation. In addition, I’m trying to become a volunteer at the Adrienne Arsht Center, and participate in a whole plethora of community-friendly events (Walk for the Cure, Habitat for Humanity, etc.)

I have to confess that my return to school was not as smooth as I hoped it would’ve been. I guess I was expecting too much from FIU (and its student body), but after just stepping into my first class, I immediately thought to myself: “Oh God! What am I doing here again???” I honestly feel that I should be working on my postgraduate degree already, but I can blame no one else but myself for not being enrolled in a Masters’ program by now. The truth of the matter is, for various reasons, I lost all sense of focus, let deadlines pass me by, etc. Thankfully, I think I’m back to normal right now (or at least back on track to normal.) Also, the first week back at FIU, I was going through some tough personal stuff. I had to abruptly end a situation that had been plaguing me for a while. I would have much rather put and end to it gradually, but circumstances allowed me to make it much more expeditious. I’m not going to go into any details, for those who need to know what happened, already do, but long story short, I had to say goodbye to someone who I truly cared about it, and who had come to play an important role in my life. So, that coupled with the fact that I was homesick, made my return to FIU all the more pleasant.

I’m happy to announce that now everything is great. I quickly got used to the economic terms and am rocking at my classes. I get two days a week off from school, so I even get enough time to study, exercise, and pursue other interests. Oh, and it looks like I’ll be a US resident very, very soon. At the moment, I don’t have much to complain about. Even the weather seems to be a bit more bearable these days! But we’ll see how long I can keep this up for... I’ve slowly come to realize that I can never stay out of trouble for long. I don’t know what it is, but I always seem to cross paths with the most peculiar of people and find myself in the oddest of situations.

We know...

King of Anything

I love this song! Hehe, I wonder why... XOXO

- - - - - -

Keep drinking coffee, stare me down across the table
While I look outside
So many things I’d say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by

You’ve got opinions, man
We’re all entitled to ‘em, but I never asked
So let me thank you for your time, and try not to waste anymore of mine
And get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe, but I’m not drowning
There’s no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

You sound so innocent, all full of good intent
Swear you know best
But you expect me to jump up on board with you
And ride off into your delusional sunset

I’m not the one who’s lost with no direction
But you’ll never see
You’re so busy making maps with my name on them in all caps
You got the talking down, just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy
While I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

Let me hold your crown, babe.

未来: The future

It is with great pleasure that I announce my ability and decision to return to the United States some time within the next two weeks. The main reason why I came to Honduras was to take care of my legal situation with respect to my continued presence in the USA. As most of you who read this already know, I’ve been in the US for the last 6 years as an international student. However, I graduated from FIU in 2009 and my work permit expired in June of this year. Given the fact that I was not ready to apply to grad school before all the deadlines had passed, I reapplied to FIU in hopes that I would be allowed to go back to finish a third degree in Economics (for which I already have a minor.) Given my outstanding record at FIU, I was actually re-admitted and am now enrolled in 4 classes for the fall semester. The next step was to apply for another student visa from the American government. After traveling to my country’s capital and being interviewed by the consular authority last week, I was given the great news that my application had been accepted!!! Miami, you can’t get rid of me just yet...

I’m planning to finish my Economics degree by Spring 2011, and attending grad school in fall of the same year. For grad school, I have 3 top choices: SIPA (School of International and Public Affairs) at Columbia University (New York), Fletcher School of Diplomacy at Tufts University (Boston), and SAIS (School of Advanced International Studies) at Johns Hopkins University (Washington, DC.) I’m still working on my list of back-up schools, but I’m determined to gain acceptance into at least one of my top three choices. I have been studying arduously for the GRE this entire summer, and will be taking it in late September or early October. Furthermore, I a planning a trip to New York in late October of this year – hoping to take a tour of Columbia University!

Granted, these are only plans at the moment, but I am quite motivated and driven on seeing them through. In the past, whenever I've truly wanted something, especially in the academic realm, I've accomplished it. So you just wait and see. This princess isn't going down without a fight... XOXO

Now we are free...

I often wonder, are we the ones who sabotage ourselves? Are we the ones who let the ghosts of our pasts haunt us incessantly and perpetually? Sometimes, even though we don't want to finish a chapter in our lives, or say goodbye to someone we've loved, the only way we can forget is by letting go. And sometimes, but only sometimes, letting go is the key to our freedom...

Don't we all love Mr. Big?

After all of the very personal “journal-like” posts that I’ve been making recently, I decided that I wanted to continue the Nicky-Luca story that I started in June. I have most of the plot developed in my head already, but I’m not sure whether I want to leave it as a short story or turn it into a novel. Most importantly, I still don’t know whether I want to give it a happy ending, or leave some room for interpretation (although the latter is more my style, naturally.) So, I’ve decided to let the characters and story brew for a bit longer, and will be continuing it shortly… (I can almost hear the sighs of disappointment from all of my rabid fans. Hehe)

But moving on, I’ve recently discovered that men like Sex and the City more than they’d like to admit! I was talking about relationships with a close friend the other day, and he said that he wanted to be a Mr. Big when he grew up. I personally LOVE Mr. Big and I secretly (I guess not so secretly now) wish I could find a young Mr. Big in Miami, but alas, I know it will be close to impossible. Hey, don't judge! Don't we all love Mr. Big??? Anyways, it got me thinking about the TRUE popularity of Sex and the City. As I was googling the fashion from the latest movie, I came across an article that was written by Sex and the City… wait for it… haters! I was appalled! Who could possible hate Sex and the City???

Well, it turns out that the article was written by a group of women who feel that Sex and the City is partly responsible for the perennial objectification of women. These so-called “defenders of women’s’ rights” went into great detail about how they felt that the characters from Sex and the City are vapid and shallow women who only care about fashion, and of course, sex. I couldn’t help but think that the authors of the article were either: 1) Lesbians; 2) Hard-core feminists; 3) Ugly; or 4) All of the above. Although Sex and the City may not be the most intellectually stimulating show to ever be broadcasted, nor does it answer the mysteries of the universe, I think that it does have some merit.

Women are multi-layered beings who feel the need to be, above all, understood. The key to having good relationships with women is to make us feel that you understand us, in every way possible. We want to feel that you are attuned to our needs, fears, desires, everything – the whole enchilada! Me? I’m a Carrie: easy-going, smart, always willing to help out a friend, very liberal for most things, but at the same time, somewhat fond of conventions. The point being, what makes Sex and the City such a success is the fact that all women can relate to at least one of the main characters. I honestly think that the show is a celebration of womanhood. The women aren’t portrayed as icons of perfection. They have issues, and at times feel insecure about themselves, their bodies, their relationships, etc. Yet, at the end of the day, they are able to remain themselves, be successful, and look great!

I’m very intellectually oriented myself, so I will never be an advocate of using our lovely feminine attributes as the SOLE tool for advancing our careers, getting someone to fall in love with us, etc. However, I don’t think there’s anything wrong if a woman were to use her charms for “good.” All women should be allowed to express their femininity and not feel ashamed because of it. It’s okay to exude sensuality and success at the same time. And, I’m willing to bet that this is another point that the creators of Sex and the City were trying to get across.

Furthermore, what I don’t really understood is why the authors of the article, who claim to be so smart themselves, insist that a woman who watches and enjoys Sex and the City can be considered a traitor to her kind. It’s as if they feel that because someone likes this particular TV show, they can’t be intelligent or confident. But I say this, since when does your preference in TV shows define who you truly are? (There are exceptions of course. If someone spends their entire day vegetating in front of the TV, watching Jerry Springer… Well, that’s a different story.) But I don’t feel that there’s anything wrong with being multifaceted.

In fact, I’m willing to say that having several diverse interests is much like being a polyglot. You won’t know what “一期一会”or “以心伝心”mean if you don’t speak Japanese, and if you were ever to travel to Japan, you’d quickly realize how these phrases are intrinsic to Japanese culture, and therefore necessary for you to understand them, especially if you plan on connecting with the Japanese people. Essentially, what I’m trying to explain is that having a plethora of interests allows you to be connected to multiple people, and on multiple levels. I believe it’s safe to say that we’ve all accepted that as human beings we must interact with others on a regular basis, and therefore, the more connections we are able to have can only help in enhancing our experiences.

But I digress… If I were to allow my inner ramblings to continue unrestrained, you’d be reading a lot more than you already have. Suffice it to say, the article by the Sex and the City haters inspired me to write something different. Next time, look for an in-depth analysis of the political, economic, and social implications of the 2009 ousting of Honduran President Manuel Zelaya (I can’t believe it’s been a year already!)

But, let me leave you with this: I play video games, and I also like to go out and have fun. I like opera and classical musical, but I’m also a loyal follower of mainstream pop. I love to cultivate my intellect, spending countless amounts of dollars on my education, but I also take pride in looking and feeling good. Where I come from, it’s okay to be versatile, but above all, it’s desirable to be tolerant. And that's just fabulous, darling!