Dans mes pensées...

As keepers of our own free will, we are the only ones responsible for what happens in our lives. Every time we perform an action it means that we had a choice to go through with it or not. As humans, it is in our very nature to err. As a result, our actions may sometimes be misguided and may end up hurting those we care about the most. Once again, it is up to us to take action: we can either assume responsibility for the pain we've caused and apologize, or we can simply do nothing.

Personally, I hate feeling like I have unfinished business with others (especially if they were once important in my life), so I would much rather put my pride aside and apologize before I let a situation drag on forever. What happens when it's the other way around, and you're the one who has been hurt? Since you cannot control others' actions, and make them apologize, it is up to you to pick up the pieces of your bruised and battered heart, and make yourself feel better. You, and you alone, are the sole navigator of your life and commander of your emotions.

Easier said than done, eh? Well, it is of utmost importance that you first and foremost learn how to control your thoughts. Emotions are originated within your thoughts; from your perceptions and interpretations of everything and everyone that surrounds you. Once you've mastered this crucial step, I think you will have successfully differentiated yourself from the rest of mankind. With right thought, comes right action. How very Buddhist of me, eh? In reality, it isn't about religion at all. It's just something that I've found to be very true, and something that I myself must consciously work on everyday.

For instance, how many of us are guilty for looking at old photographs, rereading old emails, or looking up people we've lost contact with? We know that the past isn't going to come back to us, yet we still find ourselves devoting some of our time and energy thinking about it. Please don't misinterpret what I'm trying to say, I don't think there is anything wrong with reliving the past, but many times, reliving the past is painful to us - either because a particular memory is painful itself, or because it hurts us that things have changed. Why do we engage in this behavior? Part of me feels that it is precisely because human beings are averse to change and prefer to remain within their comfort zones, what they've grown accustomed to. However, I take pride in being someone who can adjust to new situations quickly. Finding myself in a new environment, meeting new people, or having changed aspects of my personality shouldn't bother me, right? Maybe human beings are masochistic to a certain degree, and we enjoy reliving a painful past simply because we want to feel the strong emotions again? Sounds ludicrous, but I would bet that for some, the reality isn't that far off.

And I come back to the main point of this entire ramble, we are responsible for our lives - everything that happens to us and everything that we feel. I'd like to say that I've discovered the secret to leading a happy, meaningful life, but alas, I'm afraid I'm still a toddler, barely scratching the surface of it all. So what's waiting for us when we finally find this mythical happiness? A Shangri-La where unicorns, mermaids, and Yetis harmoniously coexist as they sit on marble benches to drink mimosas and observe double rainbows? Probably not. It is my opinion that happiness isn't an end goal, but rather a process. It's about enjoying the here and the now, even if your reality isn't what you'd wish it would be. Above all, it's about taking responsibility for your life! You'd be surprised how liberating it feels to know that you and you alone are responsible for your state of mind and well-being.

***So, since the holidays are coming up, it is through this medium that I decide to apologize to those who, for some reason or another, I've hurt with my actions or words. If I have hurt you, trust me when I say that I probably didn't mean to. To those that have hurt me, well, I can't say much except that I'm trying to forgive and forget, not necessarily because you deserve it, but simply because I realized that by holding on to negative emotions, I keep myself from moving on to greater and grander things.***

The most wonderful time of the year

Now that THAT'S out of my system, let me update you guys on what's actually going on in my life. As far as school is concerned, my classes are going smoothly. However, there is a possibility that I won't enroll at FIU next semester. It turns out that the Economics department at FIU is very limited and I haven't been able to enroll in all of the classes I need to take in order to graduate with my third degree by Spring. Since I am planning on going to graduate school in Fall 2011, and already have 2 degrees anyways, it strikes me as pointless to continue studying when I won't be able to finish my third major before then. That said, studying is always better than the alternative, being idle in Honduras. I've got a lot to think about, so I'll let you know what I decide.

I'm finally a volunteer at the Adrienne Arsht Performing Arts Center! Essentially, I'm an usher during performances, but I can be assigned other miscellaneous tasks, too. I've also been volunteering more frequently with Hands on Miami. I'm just trying to keep myself as busy as possible while I finish up grad school applications.

In terms of my romantic situation... Well, to be honest, I kind of started liking someone new. But, as much as I wanted to encourage any kind of positive feelings I might be having, my crush quickly died out. I find it harder and harder to trust people these days, but am doing everything in power to prevent myself from becoming a misanthrope. The fact is I am more fabulous than most people my age, but my fabulosity is highly misunderstood. I still refuse to become one of those girls who is best known for her skills on the mattress though. Just saying... Hehe.

Why me?

The entire world was crumbling beneath my feet. Entire buildings were being wiped off in a matter of seconds; cars falling into the deep crevices - never to be seen again. People I had once cared about had completely dissipated in front of me; vanishing into thin air, into nothingness. Where were they going?

From within me, I felt a pain stronger than I had ever felt before. That pain soon transformed into emptiness. I knew I was alive, but I felt dead inside. So dead in fact, that I truly do not know where I found the strength to hold on to the last bit of hope I had. I felt as if my heart and soul had been replaced by a big, empty hole. As if I had been left with nothing... But somehow, I held on... Somehow, I managed to survive this. Why me?

"Why me?" "Why do these things have to happen to me?" If received a dollar for every time I've asked this, I'd probably be five dollars short of being a millionaire.

For good

*Some say that the right way to live is to look only to the future; to never look back. Although I do believe that the future is more important than the past, I think that the past shapes who we've become. Those who know me best, know that I don't claim to be perfect, although I do strive to achieve some level of perfection. I don't think I'm an ideal human being, or that my way of thinking is superior to others'. The only thing that I've ever claimed, is that I only know how to live according to my own standards, and up until now, for the most part, I have to say they've been successful. I read somewhere that success is acquired when you have the respect and admiration of intelligent people, the affection of children, and when your life has made someone else's better. Without trying to sound arrogant, I know that by that definition alone, I am very successful. At the same time, I know that not everyone out there in the world likes me. Some will deem me too arrogant, others too boring, etc., and I've come to accept it. Now, even though I've always tried to live in a manner that doesn't hurt others, I'm aware that sometimes my actions have hurt people. If there happens to be anyone reading this who feels that I have hurt them in the past, then I apologize. I can almost assure you that nothing I did was on purpose. So, for this reason, I decided to record and upload this song, which although not perfect, comes from my honest, and all-too-trusting heart.

To my family and friends: I adore you all! You're the reason I get up in the morning and put a smile on my face. Due to my fickle and unpredictable nature, I know I am somewhat difficult to get alone with. But, you guys have been there with me through it all, and trust me, that means the world. Even though I should be mostly used to it by now, sometimes it is difficult being away from home. And yet somehow, you guys have allowed me to find a sense of home, away from home. For that, I will be eternally grateful. This song is for you.

To those who for one reason or another, I am no longer friends with: I have no hard feelings for anyone. In fact, I've come to realize that in most cases, the deterioration of our friendship was a result of miscommunication. In other cases, it was a lack of interest. In the most extreme of cases, I simply realized that being your friend was no longer having a positive net effect on my life, or that we weren't compatible. Either way, for whatever the reason, I wanted to let you all know that I'm kind of incapable of harboring negative feelings for people, especially for long. My emotions move in the following order: anger--> disappointment--> reminiscence--> indifference--> closure. In conclusion, at some point, you all played an important role in my life, and this song goes out to all of you as well. Best of luck in future endeavors!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I've heard it said,
That people come into our lives, for a reason,
Bringing something we must learn.
And we are led to those who help us most to grow,
If we let them and we help them in return.
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true.
But I know I'm who I am today,
Because I knew you.

Like a comet pulled from orbit,
as it passes the sun,
like a stream that meets a boulder,
Halfway through the wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better,
But, because I knew you,
I have been changed for good.

It well may be,
That we will never meet again in this lifetime,
So let me say before we part,
So much of me,
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart.

And now whatever way our stories end,
I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend.

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea,
Like a seed dropped by a sky bird, in a distant wood,
Who can say if I've been changed for the better...

But, because i knew
(because I knew you)
I have been changed for good.

And just to clear the air,
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for.
But then I guess we know there's blame to share.
And none of it seems to matter anymore...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
(like a ship blown from its mooring)
As it passes the sun,
(by a wind off the sea)
Like a stream that meets a boulder
(like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood)

Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But, I do believe I have been changed for the better,
And, because I knew you... (because I knew you)
Because I knew you,
I have been changed for good....

Happy Halloween!

Ghost in the machine

It feels like I'm drowning in a pool of books, papers, and flashcards. I have the GRE in less than 2 weeks and we all know that if I want to have any shot of getting into Columbia, I need to ace it. I'm actually feeling confident about it, but that doesn't mean that I will let my guard down and let it sneak up on me. On top of that, between this and the following week, I'm having midterms in all of my classes. Ah, the beauty of being a student... Solow model, Kuznet's curve, expected rate of exchange, depreciation, appreciation, interest parity condition, vituperation, philistine, toady, etc...

On top of that, my older brother was admitted into the hospital because of an acute abdominal pain. It seems that he's had an intestinal rupture and is under observation to see how he reacts to the antibiotics they're giving him. I feel so powerless. This is when I start questioning whether any of it is worth it... In the hopes of making my career aspirations a reality, I sacrifice time with the only people that have always been there for me. If the medicine that they're giving him works well, he will not need surgery. But we still have to wait a couple of days. My brother is strong, and I know he'll react well to the treatment, and will be his cheerful, World-of-Warcraft playing self once again, but I just wish that I could be there to cheer him on, while at the same time fighting for my own goals... The bittersweet pleasure of life.

At least it feels that everyday I am coming more and more to terms with my reality. I had a very emotional conversation with one of my best friends the other night, and he suggested that I needed to face my emotions, even if they were painful. Sure enough, I realized that I hadn't been dealing with my feelings very well in the last couple of months. In an effort to be perceived as a "strong" person, I've been shying away from things that I've wanted to say. Everyone always has a need to be vindicated. We always want people who disagree with us to see our points of view, and if not agree with them, at least to recognize and acknowledge them. He told me that in order to have harmonious relations with others, we must find peace within ourselves first. And so, I am trying to do just that. That night, right after we ended our conversation, I let myself feel the pain of the rejection, humiliation, and disappointment that I'd been ignoring for the last couple of months. In a way, it felt as if a part of me had been liberated. Of course, it is going to take much more than one night of intensive therapy to free myself from it all. But, I know it can be done...

As of late...

I just realized that it’s been a while since I actually wrote something on here. I’ve been posting songs, but that’s about it. The truth is, I’ve actually been quite busy. As most of you who follow me already know (and yes, of course I know who follows me – I’m from a third world country and my grandfather was kidnapped, for crying out loud! You thought I wouldn’t take precautionary measures to ensure my safety…? Again, I’m much smarter than most people give me credit for… but, I digress), I’m taking 4 classes at FIU: International Macroeconomics, Applied Macroeconomics, Economic Development, and Advanced Japanese Conversation. In addition, I’m trying to become a volunteer at the Adrienne Arsht Center, and participate in a whole plethora of community-friendly events (Walk for the Cure, Habitat for Humanity, etc.)

I have to confess that my return to school was not as smooth as I hoped it would’ve been. I guess I was expecting too much from FIU (and its student body), but after just stepping into my first class, I immediately thought to myself: “Oh God! What am I doing here again???” I honestly feel that I should be working on my postgraduate degree already, but I can blame no one else but myself for not being enrolled in a Masters’ program by now. The truth of the matter is, for various reasons, I lost all sense of focus, let deadlines pass me by, etc. Thankfully, I think I’m back to normal right now (or at least back on track to normal.) Also, the first week back at FIU, I was going through some tough personal stuff. I had to abruptly end a situation that had been plaguing me for a while. I would have much rather put and end to it gradually, but circumstances allowed me to make it much more expeditious. I’m not going to go into any details, for those who need to know what happened, already do, but long story short, I had to say goodbye to someone who I truly cared about it, and who had come to play an important role in my life. So, that coupled with the fact that I was homesick, made my return to FIU all the more pleasant.

I’m happy to announce that now everything is great. I quickly got used to the economic terms and am rocking at my classes. I get two days a week off from school, so I even get enough time to study, exercise, and pursue other interests. Oh, and it looks like I’ll be a US resident very, very soon. At the moment, I don’t have much to complain about. Even the weather seems to be a bit more bearable these days! But we’ll see how long I can keep this up for... I’ve slowly come to realize that I can never stay out of trouble for long. I don’t know what it is, but I always seem to cross paths with the most peculiar of people and find myself in the oddest of situations.