Reflections...

It was exactly a month ago that I arrived in my home country of Honduras after a prolonged absence of almost two years. Those who know me well are aware of the fact that one of the reasons why I left Miami in such a haste was to get away from a toxic situation; a situation that was slowly wearing me down. Although I have always been of a somewhat whimsical nature, I don’t think I’ve ever changed my mind as often as I did in the last year. I went from being absolutely certain that I needed to study law, to thinking that I needed to move to Europe to be a linguist, followed by the commitment to obtain a graduate degree in International Relations from an Ivy League university. I have always had my “AHA” moments, and there was certainly no shortage of them in the last few months.

For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, let me explain… The “AHA” moment is a very enlightening and relieving time in a person’s life. It is when, after having been pondering a situation over and over again, you realize something that changes everything. The “AHA” moment, also referred to as the “Eureka” moment, makes you see the issue at hand in a whole new perspective, and suddenly you realize what it is that you need to do in order to remedy it. The thing about the “AHA” moment is that it usually happens after two in the morning. In any case, some of my most important decisions have been made based on the “AHA” moments.

Either way, whether it was because I was going through a rough patch in my life, or was just truly afraid and undecided about everything, last year brought about many changes in my way of behaving and thinking. Now as I’m looking back on the experiences that I lived through and the decisions that I made, I see that I was starting to lose myself. I’m not going to sit here and point fingers, but I am aware of the fact that some people did take advantage of me during this period. Whether it was because they needed to make themselves feel better, or because they needed some sort of material gratification from me, I stumbled upon certain, let’s call them “swindlers.”

Most people that get to know me, even if at a somewhat superficial level, are able to quickly see that I still possess a certain childlike innocence that is hard to come across in a 24-year-old in this day and age. The truth is, despite the negative experiences that I’ve had to endure, I still try to find the good in people. I try to find at least one redeeming quality in everyone and work from there. Maybe that puts me in the “naïve” category, but as I’ve mentioned in the past, I’d take “naïve” over “cynical” any day. Again, I don’t blame people for my or their shortcomings. Everyone has issues and if some people need to take advantage of others to feel better, and if that’s what floats their boat, then by all means do it, not just to me. I’m not going to lie, it does hurt when you realize that someone who you thought cared about you genuinely makes it obvious that they’re as genuine as a $5 Rolex you bought off a street vendor. Life has a peculiar way of making things work out, though. Although I have my moments when I wish I could turn into an insensitive bitch and just seek a slow and agonizing vengeance for those who’ve hurt me, the truth is, I would never do something as low and immature as hurt someone on purpose. Deep down, I do believe in karma and I think that people get what they deserve in the long run.

So, enough about that... Another thing that I’ve realized in the time that I’ve been here is the importance of family. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always loved my family deeply and am somewhat of a homebody, but I never really understood the meaning of “family unity.” After all, isn’t your family just a bunch of people who you are forced to see and interact on a daily basis, even if you don't have much in common with them? At times I honestly believed this, but the truth is, no matter what, your family is your FAMILY. You share an undeniable and unbreakable bond with a group of people who will be there for you, through the good and the bad. I often catch my friends speaking poorly of their family members, and I think it’s quite sad. Sure, I was actually blessed with a wonderful family and know that not everyone is as lucky as I am. But if your parents have always provided for you, made sure you had everything you needed, even if they’re not perfect, you owe them at least a sense of respect. I find it quite sad how even people in their late twenties, who are supposed to be all mature and grown-up, are still looking for flaws in their parents and are more than eager to sever their ties with their families over a few minor disagreements. Families, just like romantic relationships, are all about compromise and commitment.

I’ve also realized that I’m quite picky when it comes to choosing a partner. I’ll be honest, most men just don’t make the cut. I’d say that I do have a minimum set of requirements that a significant other must have. However, I will tell you that these are not your usual traits. I’m not looking for a model that can recite Shakespeare’s sonnets to me while preparing my favorite meal. I’m actually NOT looking for perfection, but I am looking for someone who “meshes” well with me. And the truth is, I’m not your average girl. I may come off as the shy good-girl, but I’m so much more than that. I find that I discover new things about myself everyday. All in all, the truth is, I just want someone who will grow with me. I’ve always thought that the best of relationships start off as friendships, and I still firmly believe this. Finding someone who will accept every last thing about you and will be okay with it, even if they don’t like it – now, that’s love. Whenever I envision my “ideal partner,” I usually almost always have the same image: We’re off in some distant country, just exploring everything that it has to offer. He’s willing to go on adventures with me and will try all sorts of exotic foods and drinks. There’s always laughter, and even during the times when we argue, he’s willing to compromise as much as I am. Even if we can’t go around the world, we talk about the adventures we want to have, and can have fun together even if we don’t go anywhere, or do much of anything. I want someone who is just as multifaceted as I am, and with whom I can converse about anything. Someone who can teach me things that I don’t know and vice versa. I wonder, am I looking for something that can’t be found???

Who are we to play with hearts...

The truth is, it’s not the first (or probably the last) time that she’s had her heartbroken. It’s not the worst, either. Yet, as strong as she tried to be, and as much as she just wanted logic to take over every single fiber of her being, she couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down her face as she sit there, on the solitary bench, replaying all of the memories that they'd created together. It seemed that not even the Andrea Bocelli songs would be leaving her alone this time...

It was never her intention to develop feelings for him. Doesn’t intention count for something when being judged for a crime? It was really somewhat of an uncontrollable force that found a way to creep up on her. She’s not going to lie; she had a feeling that he would be trouble for her since day 1. Why? Because he fit the part, and he always knew it (and what’s worse, she knew that he knew it.) However, she honestly thought that she had a strong enough grasp over who she was, and that she could prevent things from unraveling in the way that they did. She suspected that she forgot to take into account a force other than her own; a force that she hadn’t dealt with in the past; the kind of undeniable force that she’d only read about in books or seen in movies: passion. Were they wrong to have allowed their selfishness get in the way of what they knew to be right? They both wanted something, it’s true. The problem lay with the fact that what each of them wanted was different, and it would’ve been very difficult to reconcile both of their desires. She didn’t regret anything, however. After all, she truly believed that everything that has happened in her life has shaped who she is. But her biggest fear was, if even for a brief moment, she had turned into the kind of girl that she despises? The kind of girl who loses herself over some guy? Especially, over some guy who’s not even sure of what he wants?

Either way, the truth is that despite the circumstances, she felt that the initial bond that they shared, that connection, was real. But now, she couldn’t help but torment herself trying to figure out how much of it was real and how much of it was fabricated. She felt that after everything had been said and done, he looked for an excuse to invalidate it, or simply and easy way out. She wondered if he was fueled by regret, guilt, or simply a lack of interest… Will it be this way forever? Was there a way to putting an end to these broken days?

Honestly, as much as she wants to, she cannot blame him. She cannot even blame herself. It is what it is. But she never lied when she told him that she wanted to have him close for years to come. And it wasn’t because of his handsome looks. She actually thought she had seen the person that he really was: behind the façade, behind the tormented eyes, and broken spirit. She wanted to be someone to encourage him to never give up on life, even in the most platonic of ways, even if she was never the one to satisfy his heart’s desires. It’s always been the kind of person that she is. She liked playing “savior” to those around her.

She used to be one of those people who say that they hate to cry because it is a sign of weakness. Yet, she’s slowly come to realize that everyone cries, everyone hurts, and everyone feels the same emotions. Now she thinks that it is pointless to hide what she feels. Actually, she’s started to see it as a sign of strength. Instead of staying home and mourning whatever loss she might have incurred over a pint of ice cream, she chooses to get out there and continue living.

Her heart’s greatest ambition has always been to find someone to love and who would be willing to love her back with the same ardor and passion that she knew she could offer. She has a young, unyielding heart, and she believes that if anything, by meeting him, she’s just come a step closer to finding what it is that she’s looking for. She often wonders if she’s just naïve and living in a bubble, but the truth is that no matter what, she refuses to let cynicism and negativity rule her heart.

Love according to Dr. Phil...

The night started out innocently enough. My mission: to let go and just have some fun. I was to take in the sights, the sounds; enjoy the food and drinks. At no point was I supposed to get lost in my thoughts. However, some time between the second and third glass of wine, I started thinking about relationships and that perennial enigma, which we call love. Some of the questions that made their way into my stream of thoughts where: How much of a relationship is based on passion? How much of a person can you aspire to know? Why is it that so many smart and independent women feel that they need to have a man in their lives to validate their existence? And is there such a thing as an “ideal relationship”?

I certainly don’t claim to be an expert on relationships. In fact, the reality is far from it. However, I’d say that I’ve dealt with my fair share of bizarre (to say the least) romantic experiences; the details of which I will not bore you with at this particularly moment. However, the truth remains that, I’ve never met a man who has inspired me to feel enough confidence in him to allow myself to be completely enraptured by love. And trust me, I’ve met all types of guys: 1) the insecure, confused type; 2) the chauvinistic type; 3) the misunderstood artist; 4) the guy who at first glance seems to be that mysterious, European stranger who’s everything you want and has come to sweep you off your feet, but ends up being no better than the average accumulation of testosterone we like to call men; 5) the kind you’d be willing to wait for your entire life; 6) the guy you think you can “help,” blah, blah, blah… yada, yada, yada… I think that by now you get it.

Point being, despite all of these failed experiences, I’m still willing to look for something… The question is, why? And why does everyone seem to have this obsession with love? Have we been conditioned to think that love is the cure to all of our problems? I mean, how many movies have you seen that start with a lonely, single gal who has more issues than she can handle, but who seems to get her life in order as soon as she meets “the one”? And don’t get me wrong… Those who know me well can attest to the fact that deep down I’m just another sucker for all of this mushy stuff! “You had me at hello,” had ME crying for days! But the point still is, how much of what we’ve come to identify as “love” is merely a creation of what we’ve seen in Hollywood movies, read in Hallmark cards, and heard in Enrique Iglesias songs???

Most of my female (and even my male) friends always seem to have some sort of advice to offer when it comes to building a successful relationship. But who says that what works for them will work for everyone else? If a relationship were as easy as a mathematical or chemical formula, wouldn’t we all have mastered them by now? Hell, I’m willing to bet that if that were the case there’d even be a doctorate degree in relationships at Harvard.

The more I think about it, the more I know that I’ll probably never come up with an answer to some of the questions that I’ve posed in this spiel so far. But, there is ONE thing I’m certain of. I’m aware of the necessity of at least one element to any successful relationship (whether romantic or otherwise), and that is: to know oneself, at least what it is that you desire, and what it is that you don’t want. As obvious as this may seem, it’s sad and frustrating to know that most people are either too lazy, or simply too dense, to devote enough of their time to introspection. Think about it. How much of the heartbreak in your life, whether you’ve been on the causing or receiving end of it, could’ve been avoided if people would’ve finally learned to be honest with themselves first?

But hey, who am I to give advice, right? Most people nowadays prefer to follow the advice of Dr. Phil, Jerry Springer, and Oprah, anyways... ;-)

There's no place like home

The last time I was in Honduras was about a year and a half ago, for Christmas of ’08. Yet, despite my prolonged absence, it feels like I’ve never been gone – everything is exactly the same as I left it. Sometimes, I feel that there is no such thing as “the passage of time” here… But more on that a little bit later. I don’t want this to turn into a contemplative/philosophical entry…

My last few days in Miami were somewhat frustrating. I’m used to having my freedom and the ability to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. However, not having a valid driver’s license made things REALLY difficult for me. I was left at the mercy of my family and friends, and depended on them to rescue me from my house arrest. The first days without a license were like death. I felt like a princess looked up in a tower, or worse, a dungeon – just waiting on prince charming to come rescue me. And as those of you who know me well could confirm, I’m not really the kind of girl who can just sit around and do nothing, at least not for prolonged periods of time…

The last couple of days there were not so bad, though. A few of my friends finally felt sorry for me, and decided to make the LOOOOONG trip to come pick me up. Either way, saying goodbye to them was bittersweet. These last months were jam-packed with drama and lots of conflicting emotions. And so, it was hard to say farewell to those who’ve stood by me through it all. I’m still not sure where I’ll be the next couple of months, and as someone who is used to packing up and moving away, I’ve learned that friends come and go, and that you can always make new ones. However, I really do hope that those that I’m close to now will be in my support system for some time to come.

Now, to relate to you a little bit about my journey… My flight got delayed for 2 hours!!! It was scheduled to leave at 7:30pm and didn’t end up leaving until 9:30. I got home at around 11pm, Honduran time (1am Miami time.) It was quite tiring. On the plane, I was seated next to a young Christian couple from California who were coming to Honduras to do some charity/mission work. They were really quite nice and were very interested in my life story. We spent most of the flight talking and they ended up telling me that my parents should be quite proud of me and everything I’ve accomplished at such a young age. I went ahead and gave them my contact information if they needed any help during their stay in Honduras and they went ahead and did the same, as well as offered to show me around Los Angeles if I ever want to visit.

My bags were one of the first to come out (and since they’re pink – they’re VERY easily recognized) and so I was able to clear the baggage claim quite rapidly. All of my family was waiting for me at the airport. It was so good to see everyone together again. However, since my flight got in so late, we weren’t able to go have some Italian food as we’d originally planned. Besides, everyone was pretty tired so we decided to just come back home. I tried to sleep relatively early, but (surprise, surprise) was unable to, so I just decided to finish unpacking.

I spent most of today sleeping and resting up, but my mother did prepare a delicious meal for lunch and we were able to eat as a complete family for the first time in almost 1.5 years! I went to visit some family members in the late afternoon and spent most of the evening chatting up with my brothers (Michael and Erick) and my cousin (more like adopted brother, Jorge.) We also smoked some hookah as we listened to Buddha Bar, which reminded me of how much I want to explore my Middle Eastern roots (but again, more on that later.) Right now, I’m listening to Andrea Bocelli and am feeling VERY relaxed. I guess it’s true what they say: there’s no place like home…

The beginning

“Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seatbelts as we begin our descent towards JFK International Airport. The current time in New York is 6:47pm and the temperature is a very pleasant 60 degrees. We hope you’ve enjoyed flying aboard American Airlines and may your stay in the Big Apple be a pleasant one.”

She couldn’t believe they were touching ground in New York already. It seemed to her that the flight had taken off from Charles de Gaulle a mere two hours ago. Either way, she couldn’t complain. She was happy to be back home. She couldn’t remember the last time that the view of the New York skyline had made her this ecstatic. Yet, as happy as she was to be back home, she couldn’t help but feel anxious.

The truth is Luca had broken her heart in more ways than one. She was trying to forget their last meeting. Fighting to bury it deep within her memories, hoping that it would never resurface to perturb her hard-earned stability. She had always been told, much to her dissatisfaction and disbelief, that she was very stubborn. The last encounter with Luca helped her see that maybe everyone had been right all along. Maybe she really was hardheaded and inflexible.

Things between them had been going downhill for a couple of months, but Luca was much too passive to do anything about it. He always prided himself in being a bon vivant, and as such, could not be bothered with the trivialities of their relationship, or so he would often say, insisting that as long as they were okay, it was all good. However, Nicole was never one to settle for just “ok.” She’d always believed that it when it came to matters of the heart, things needed to feel right. And as much she loved Luca, things didn’t feel as right as they used to. When she finally confronted him about it, it was precisely his indifference and his cold demeanor that upset her the most. She left his apartment without giving him much of a chance to say anything.

It was that same night that her father informed her of the position that had become available at the American embassy in Paris. Unlike her mother, he had always supported her career choices, and knew of her desire to make a name for herself in the diplomatic field. Given his business connections, all he needed to do was to call the Ambassador up and the job was hers. Without thinking it over, she urged her dad to set it up, and the very next day, she was on a plane headed to Paris.

Despite the circumstances, her time in Paris was very satisfying. She was able to brush up on her French, learn a thing or two about the inner workings of an embassy, and enjoy the magnificent “City of Lights.” She would spend her afternoons lost in thoughts at cozy Parisian cafés, enjoying croissants and café au laits. She would stroll down the Champs-Elysees, perusing the quaint little shops. None of it mattered, though. Luca was never far from her thoughts.

* * * * *

“Excuse me. Miss?”

She was buried in her book. She came to this coffee shop every day, at the same time, and ordered the exact same thing: a skinny cinnamon dolce latte. Everyone knew that this table was her spot and her time to get lost in her own little world. Who could possible dare to interrupt her tradition? She looked up at the vile creature that had done such a thing, half expecting to see Freddy Krueger or the Crypt-Keeper. To her surprise, she found a very handsome young man with piercing green eyes.

“Do you mind? I’m kind of in the middle of something…” The words just slipped right out of her mouth. “Oops,” she thought, “Now he’ll think I’m a total bitch. Oh well, suits him right for interrupting me.”

He cut off her inner monologue to say, “Yes, I’m aware of that, but trust me I would not have interrupted you if this were not a life or death situation. You see, I’m running a bit late for a final that I studied arduously for, and in the hustle and bustle, I forgot my wallet. But, I am in desperate need of a double-shot espresso. Could you spare me a couple of bucks? Pleaseeeeee.”

She looked back at him suspiciously, wanting to say, “Great. So not only are you rude, but you’re also a bum. Cute.” However, she replied with, “Yea, don’t worry about it. Just tell the guy up front to put it on my tab. Good luck on your final.”

He said, “Thank you! How can I repay you?”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m sure if I’m ever in your same situation, I’ll find a good Samaritan who’ll help me out. Just get your coffee and go. Aren’t you late already?”

“Right. Well, I’ll come back. Thanks, again!”

She just smiled up at him. “I’m such an idiot! He’ll think I’m a total nerd! I should’ve told him that he could pay me back by taking me out to dinner. Those eyes. That hair. Ugh, I didn’t even ask for his name. Smooth, Nicky. Real, smooth.” She shrugged off her thoughts and picked up her book, “no point in worrying about it now. What are the chances that I'll see him again?”

* * * * *

As expected, her dad had sent their driver to pick her up. In the car, she found a lovely bouquet of pink orchids and purple and white lilies, her favorites. She also found a couple of blueberry scones and a latte from Dean and Deluca, alongside a note that read:

“Sorry we couldn’t be there to greet you, Nicky. Mom’s at the weekly co-op meeting, and I’m working on a very difficult case here at the office. Have Sebastian take you home, shower, rest up, and we’ll have dinner together later on.

Love,

Dad.

PS. Welcome home, kiddo! We missed you!”

Official Press Release

The Princess of Honduras believes that “resignation” is a very strong word and one that she does not recall employing at the time of informing His Majesty of her decision to go back to the Kingdom of Honduras. “Resignation is synonymous to “quitting” in the Princess’ mind and a woman who single-handedly won over the respect, esteem, and admiration of His Majesty can hardly be considered a quitter. However, the Princess recognizes that much was said at their official meeting and given the fact that she and His Majesty spoke in multiple languages, she admits the possibility that things might have been lost in translation. Nonetheless, she found it imperative to clarify this matter.

That being said, the Princess is aware of the fact that Top Political Advisor to the King is an extremely important position and one that would require her continued presence in the Empire of Titania. She would like to reassure His Majesty, and the people of the Empire, that she never took her position lightly and indeed recognizes the great honor that was granted to her at the time of her appointment; for in a bold and unprecedented move, His Majesty gave her courtesies that no foreigner in the past had ever received. Furthermore, the Princess would like His Majesty to know that her vast knowledge in diplomatic and economic affairs is always at his service, but that more importantly, she is always willing to lend a helping hand in both official and unofficial matters, for she believes that the nature of their relationship evolved in such a way that, all formalities aside, she can now call him a “true friend.”

Though the Kingdom of Honduras is currently going through a very tumultuous time, the Princess would like to extend an official invitation to His Majesty to visit her while she is away. She hopes that someday she can repay all the kindness and generosity that have been given to her while in Titania. The Princess does indeed expect to be traveling back to her home sometime within the next two weeks, but she also expects to resolve the pressing difficulties of the Kingdom of Honduras in a swift manner, and so she is making preparations to return within the next two months. She sincerely hopes that relations between Honduras and Titania will not be strained during this period, and again, she reassures His Majesty that he can always count on her support, as well that of the Kingdom of Honduras.

The Princess has always taken pride in being open and honest in her proceedings, and given the fact that tomorrow is a national holiday in the Kingdom of Honduras (it is the commemoration of the Princess’ day of birth), she has decided to schedule a press conference for next week. She would like to use this medium to invite all members of the press to attend said conference as she will be answering questions regarding her departure and any other issues that need to be solved.

Official Public Liaison to Her Majesty, Princess of Honduras
Katrina Cunningham

RULES!

I'm not totally dissatisfied with my life. I feel that compared to most people my age, I'm actually doing relatively well. I've graduated from college with two university diplomas, and though I'm not exactly working in a field that's of my expertise, I've gained A LOT of experience. Especially in the art of keeping things in for the the sake of diplomacy! And man, has my patience been tested these last few months... But anyways, that's something I'll discuss in another post. I'm also:

- Not an alcoholic - CHECK

- Not a crack-whore - CHECK

- Not a whore, period - CHECK CHECK

- Not pregnant - CHECK CHECK WAYYYYY CHECK =)

In many ways, a success! Cheers to that! KANPAI!

However, the entire point of this entry was not to go on about my accomplishments, but rather to point out the things I need to work on in order to become even more satisfied with my life. The way I see it, there's always room for improvement. Although I claim that I'm a perfectionist through and through, I know that I will never be 100% perfect. In fact, most of my close friends have already called me "perfectly imperfect." Although I really appreciate their efforts, I will always be very hard on myself, especially because I know what I am capable of. I need to at least continue striving to be perfect. If I ever lose that spark that keeps me going, then honestly, I don't know what'll happen to me... So, after thinking it through, I've come up with a list of 10 rules that I will try to abide by from now.

I don't think anyone actually reads this, but in a weird way, I feel that by posting it online and making it public, I'll feel more accountable to them! So here goes...

1.) Set aside 30 minutes for personal reflection everyday. I need to be able to be alone with my thoughts and try to figure out what I want and need to do with my life. During this time, I need turn my cell phone off, rid myself of ALL distractions, and just focus on ME!

2.) Limit my time online to 2 hours per night, including Facebook, MSN, Skype, etc.

3.) Read, read, read. Try to read at least 2 books per month. Keep up with the news, as well. I’ve been good at reading The Economist, as it is delivered to my door, but I need to read more. I simply cannot let my brain cells atrophy. I’m so proud of my intellect! I've grown through my education, and I need to be persistent in the pursuit of knowledge to feel satisfied!

4.) Go to the gym, or engage in some form of physical activity for one hour, at least four times a week. Rain or shine! No excuses… Even if it means I need to cancel plans with people, or postpone them. Those who really want to see me and care about me will understand.

5.) Clean up my room as often as possible. Don’t just let thing accumulate on the floor! When my living environment is disorganized, I get lazy and in a bad mood! Therefore, clean, clean, clean!

6.) Don’t neglect anyone and make time for everyone! The more satisfied I feel with my personal relationships, the better I will feel as a whole. Granted, some friendships are deeper than others and may require more attention, but do not fall into the same old trap of depending too much on only a few people. Always leave room to meet others, and develop deeper friendships with everyone who is willing and interested in getting to know me.

7.) Smile, smile, smile. Even if I am feeling down, smile. Not only do I look prettier while smiling, but a smiling face is approachable! The more positive energy I give out, the more positive energy I will receive.

8.) Never assume anything about anyone. Especially not about myself. Assumptions lead to expectations, and expecting too much from someone can lead to disappointment. Disappointment leads to negativity and negativity goes against Rule #7.

9.) Limit my spending to $250 every 2 weeks. This way, I will be able to save more than $1,000 per month! I need to find other ways of having fun that are not just going out to fancy restaurants, and having fancy drinks. I need to stay at home more often, watch movies, play PS3... go back to basics!

10.) Stop thinking so much about everything. The more time I spend thinking, the less time I spend living. Learn to just go with the flow and adopt a “Zen” approach to life. Enjoy the little things…

And there you have it. I'll be checking back periodically to update. But for now, I must get my beauty sleep! Ah yes! That should have been yet another rule! Try to sleep more than 6 hours per night!

And this Krizia signing off...