The shadows keep on changing...

X: “You know that’s not the answer I’m looking for…”

K: “You’re right. And I also knew you were going to say that. How?”

X: “I already told you. In many ways, we are one.”

K: “Ok. Let’s assume for a minute that I actually believe that…”

X: “Good girl.”

K: “… if I believe that, then would I be correct in saying that you know what I’m thinking about this very minute?”

X: “You naughty girl…”

K: “What!? Wow...”

X: “Don’t be ashamed. Last time I check, you were a young human woman in your prime. It’s normal for your mind to wander to that from time to time.”

K: “I know that. You don’t have to lecture me on the nature of my species.”

X: “And you don’t have to go and get all defensive. All I’m saying is, you don’t have to be afraid of me.”

K: “For some reason, I’m not.”

X: “Good. Now that we’ve covered that… Tell me, how are you? There’s something different about you…”

K: “Well, I have lost about 30 pounds…”

X: “No, not that. That’s obvious, you know. And you don’t need me to tell you that you look great, which you do.”

K: “Then, how am I different? Different from when?”

X: “Different from the last time we saw each other…”

K: “Which was when exactly?”

X: “Well, I’m not sure. Or maybe I am, I just don’t want to tell you.”

K: “That’s not fair.”

X: “C’mon. Don’t play the justice card with me. You know I’d never fall for that.”

K: “Do I? Do I really know what you’d fall for…?”

X: “I thought we’d already established that we are one…”

K: “You’re impossible.”

X: “It’s part of my charm. But, don’t close up on me. We won’t get anywhere if you decide to keep to yourself. Actually, why haven’t you offered me a drink already? You’re usually such a good hostess.”

K: “Ok. What would you like? I’ve got Coke zero, Crystal Light, tea, coffee…”

X: “What do you take me for? Do I need to show you my ID? Surprise me.”

….

X: “A whiskey on the rocks, just what I wanted. Thank you. Nothing for yourself?”

K: “No, I’m good.”

X: “So, tell me, what’s so different about you?”

K: “If we are one, shouldn’t you know that already?”

X: “Hehe. Always the smart cookie. Of course, I know. But I want you to say it out loud, or at least to think about it.”

K: “I’m not as weak as the last time we met…”

X: “So, you do remember me now?”

K: “Maybe…”

X: “Hehe. Always the fast learner.”

K: “And you’re still as arrogant as ever…”

X: “If you had the answers to every question posed by humanity, wouldn’t you be too?”

K: “Well, no. If you knew me already, then you’d know that 90% of the time, I do think that I have all of the answers to humanity’s problems. However, I always second guess myself.”

X: “Not always. You know, you’re a lot more confident than you allow yourself to believe. There’s nothing wrong with being confident.”

K: “There isn’t. But there’s a fine line between confidence and arrogance. And I don’t like being perceived as arrogant. It’s not cute.”

X: “You’re not striving to be cute, though. If you were trying to be cute, then your life would be very, very different.”

K: “Hmmm… Maybe.”

X: “You know I’m right.”

K: “What about you? What’ve you been up to?”

X: “Oh, you know me. Nothing much. Just doing my rounds.”

K: “Liberating souls one mind at a time?”

X: “Something like that…”

K: “Am I crazy?”

X: “Why would you say that?”

K: “Because I decided to stay here and have a conversation with you, when I should’ve ran to get a weapon.”

X: “You know I’m not going to hurt you. And I know you wouldn’t actually hurt me, either. But, let’s not lose precious time talking about that. Have you figured out what’s different about you?”

K: “I’ve grown up.”

X: “That was a weak, but safe answer. And yes, you would be right. I was looking for something more, but I’m not going to drill you any longer. You seem to have understood the gist of it, and that’s all I really care about.”

K: “Why are you here?”

X: “Why??? Why not?”

K: “Because, I’m doing fine. You shouldn’t show up out of the blue like that. There are other souls that need more help than I do. If you’d like, I can point you in their direction.”

X: “Maybe I shouldn’t have. But, I saw you here, already in a semi-meditative state. I couldn’t stay away. You really are a fascinating creature, you know.”

K: “Fascinating, eh? Lots of people would disagree.”

X: “Who? The people in this town? In this country?”

K: “Yea, but not only them. Lots of others, too.”

X: “And you already know that they’re poor, lost souls. Who cares what they think?”

K: “It’s not that I care what they think. It’s just that it’s easy to get lost in it all... I don’t know.”

X: “No, you aren’t getting lost. And you know this quite well. I don’t know why you keep playing these games with yourself. Just admit it – you’re doing what you came here to do. And you’ve succeeded so far. There’s still work to be done, but you’re doing wonderfully. And I guess that I needed to come give you some encouragement.”

K: “Why?”

X: “Because my opinion matters to you. It’s one of the few opinions that does, or should matter.”

K: “…”

X: “And no, I’m not being arrogant. I’m just being truthful.”

K: “So… if I’m so fascinating, why’d you stay away for so long?”

X: “I haven’t stayed away. We’re one, remember? In some ways, I’m always with you. But sometimes, I need to actively remind you that I’m still here.”

K: “But you’re not real…”

X: “Ouch. That hurt.”

K: “You know what I meant.”

X: “What’s real to you?”

K: “Something that I can see, feel, and will respond to my touch.”

X: “In that case, you left out the senses of taste, hearing, and smell. And don’t disappoint me. You know that’s not what you define as reality. Don’t make me take back what I said about you being fascinating.”

K: “You know what I meant.”

X: “And you keep saying that. I’m going to have to ask you to elaborate on this. It’s for your own good.”

K: “I’m here, having a full-on philosophical conversation with you, but I know that you’re not really here.”

X: “Just because I’m not really here doesn’t mean that I’m not real. Reality is subjective. And we’re both students of the school of Rene Descartes.”

K: “Je pense, donc je suis...”

X: “Oui.”

K: “I have missed you, you know.”

X: “I know. I’ve missed you, too.”

K: “When will I see you again?”

X: “I haven’t even left, and you’re already asking me that…?” Always so curious.”

K: “I can’t help it, it’s part of my charm.”

X: “Yes, yes it is. As I said before, I’m always here. And to answer the question that you want to ask, but are too afraid to do so… just give it time. You’ve barely begun the journey, but t least you’re on it.”

K: “And you? You’re on your journey, too?”

X: “I am. We’re always on a journey. All of us.”

K: “What about death?”

X: “You know what they say, the end of one journey is the beginning of another.”

K: “What happens when you reach nirvana? You know I’m more of a Buddhist these days.”

X: “That’s not for me to tell you. I said I had all the answers to humanity’s problems, what happens in the divine state is the jurisdiction of someone else.”

K: “But you surely have some thoughts on it?”

X: “I do. But that’s the topic of another conversation. Right now, I just wanted to tell you that you were on the right track. I know you feel lonely sometimes, and want to give up. But don’t give into abandon, as tempting as it may seem at times. Keep pushing forward... and keep your heart pure and open.”

K: “It’s not very open and pure these days.”

X: “Oh, stop being so dramatic. So, you’ve had your heartbroken a few times? Big deal. We’ve all dealt with that. And I already told you, give it time. Despite being so analytical, and the fact that you second-guess yourself all the time, I know that there are some things that you believe to your very core. Keep on believing them. Some things, you just know. Have faith in your convictions.”

K: “Hmmmm…”

X: “With that, my dear lady, I’m afraid I hear another soul calling out my name. Not looking forward to that encounter, but a man’s gotta do, what a man’s gotta do.”

He got up gently, adjusted his jeans, kissed me on the forehead, and walked towards the dark yard, his figure blending in with the shadows, until they’d completely consumed him.

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

I woke up and checked my watch. It was fifteen after twelve - I’d only been asleep for a little over five minutes. I sighed deeply, for I knew that none of it could have been real. I quickly picked up the hookah and all its supplies, knowing that my brother would kill me if I left it outside overnight.

I cleaned up the kitchen and dragged myself upstairs to my room, where the cool breeze emanating from the air conditioner quickly dried up the sweat that was dripping down my face – even summer nights are unbearable here. I washed my teeth and collapsed on the bed, falling into a deep slumber as soon as my face hit the pillow.

The following morning, I found a note from my mother on my desk, “We’re going to the supermarket with your father. Call us if you need anything. BTW, next time you feel like drinking your father’s whiskey, at least finish it up – you left the glass outside. And since when do you drink whiskey, anyways? Love, mom.”

Randomness

Today, I feel better than "just alright." I've come a LONG way in this process, and I've certainly been busy making myself strong, both physically and mentally. I've realized that though it may take a long time for us to reach our goals, victory will be a sweet, sweet nectar. Most importantly, I've realized that one day, the world won't know what hit it. The day when I finally come out to play is near... ;)

Before and after

By popular demand, I (re)post pictures of my progress: (25 pounds and counting...)

BEFORE


BEFORE - December 2010


AFTER - MAY 2011


AFTER - JUNE 2011


AFTER - AUGUST 2011
(coming soon)

The edge of glory.

Simply LOVE this song. I can't get enough of it. I play it every single time I workout - right when I'm about to finish, so I can remind myself that you don't give up when you're about to reach the finish line - you keep going and finish strong. The contestants on "The Biggest Loser" have Jillian Michaels screaming at them in their faces as they run on the treadmill. I don't. But who needs Jillian when you've got Gaga, hehe.



There ain't a reason you and me should be alone, tonight yea baby, tonight yea baby
I got a reason that you're who should take me home tonight...
I need a man that thinks it right when it's so wrong, tonight yea baby, tonight yea baby
Right on the limits where we know be both belong tonight.

It's hard to feel the rush, to brush the dangerous.
I'm gonna run right to, to the edge with you,
Where we can both fall far in love...

I'm on the edge of glory, and I'm hanging on a moment of truth.
Out on the edge of glory, and I'm hanging on a moment with you.
I'm on the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge,
I'm on the edge of glory, and I'm hanging on a moment with you.
I'm on the edge with you.

Another shot before we kiss the other side, tonight yea baby, tonight yea baby
I'm on the edge of something final we call life tonight, alright, alright
Put on your shades cause I'll be dancing in the flames tonight yea baby, tonight yea baby
It isn't hell if everybody knows my name tonight, alright, alright

It's hard to feel the rush, to brush the dangerous.
I'm gonna run right to, to the edge with you,
Where we can both fall far in love...

I'm on the edge of glory, and I'm hanging on a moment of truth.
Out on the edge of glory, and I'm hanging on a moment with you.
I'm on the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge,
I'm on the edge of glory, and I'm hanging on a moment with you.
I'm on the edge with you.

Take a bow...

In my mind, there had always been a clearly defined notion of the kind of man I wanted to fall in love with. Despite what experience has taught me, I still believe that these preconceived notions about love and attraction play a role when it comes to choosing our significant others. Some people affirm that we don’t really have a say when it comes to whom we fall in love with, but I politely disagree. In any case, ever since I first came into contact with the idea of love (and I sincerely don’t remember at what exact point this happened), I’ve been taking bits and pieces from my favorite male celebrities, characters in books or movies, and meshing them together to come up with my ideal man.

- Handsome, but not overly so.
- Smart, but not smarter than me.
- Ambitious.
- Relatable and easy to talk to, but at the same time enigmatic.
- Open-minded and unafraid of the unknown.
- Polite and diplomatic.
- Fun, but not a party boy.

And then you came along. At first glance, you met all of the requirements, and as a naïve, idealistic young woman, I must admit that I was simply bedazzled. It felt as if I had personally designed my ideal diamond bracelet from Tiffanys.com and it had finally been delivered to my doorstep, complete with a tasteful satin wrapping, chocolate macaroons from Laduree, a fanfare of trumpets, and personally handed to me by Grenadier Guards. They say that when something seems to be good to be true, it usually is. But, let’s not get ahead of ourselves now, shall we?

The best part of it all was that you weren’t completely indifferent to me. We grew close fairly quickly, and the more I knew about you, the more I longed to know; the more time we spent together, the longer I wanted to hang around. I was addicted to your allure – you’d become my drug of choice. And this is really when things started going downhill, because my behavior towards you started to change. I slowly found myself doing and saying things that I normally wouldn’t do or say. In my mind, I’d convinced myself that nothing was wrong. I felt as if I was going through what any normal, twenty-something woman goes trough: reinvention, discovery, pushing of boundaries, etc. The truth is that it’s perfectly acceptable to lose your inhibitions and venture out onto unknown territory when it’s something that originates from within yourself. In my case, without my realization (or perhaps I did realize it, but chose to simply ignore it), you’d planted a seed of discord in my mind, carefully tending to it whenever you had a chance, until it started grow on its own. Kudos to you on that. You truly are great at manipulation – I just wish you would use it for good, but I digress.

When I finally realized the psychological mess that I found myself in, I knew it was time to retract. I don’t know exactly when your gentleman façade started to erode, but I honestly didn't like what I saw behind the curtain. And this is where I differ from most girls you find. I did figure you out before you completely burned me, but deep down, I wanted to see how far you were willing to go with your game. I figured that if you decided to spare me from the nasty bits, then somewhere deep, deep inside, you actually did care about me (in your own way of course, whatever that means.) So, I played along. And I played my role extremely well, if I may say so myself. However, it turned out that I was just a pawn all along.

I don’t know what type of grueling experiences a human being must go through in order to reach the level of delusion in which you permanently live, but I have to say that despite everything, I actually pity you. All of the games that you play have become your lifestyle, and they’ve sadly taken over your sense of humanity. To be able to use another human being’s body and emotions to fulfill your own selfish desires without giving it much thought is truly deplorable and pitiful. You’re this careless creature that uses others, tears them up from the inside out, and leaves them bruised-and-battered while you retreat cowardly into your lair. And it’s honestly sad because while you might feel some sense of satisfaction at “winning” at your game, you end up burning bridges to honest, well-meaning people who actually cared for you genuinely.

It’s been a long time, and I don’t exactly know why I feel the need to keep on writing about this. Maybe I’m just looking to pass on the lessons I learned. Vraiment, je ne sais pas. Maintenant, je sais seulement que vous ne pourriez pas être plus lointain de mon homme idéal.

A simple "I'm sorry" would've sufficed....

To walk a mile in her shoes...

The truth is I am, have been, and will probably always, be my toughest critic. That said, I don't consider myself to be an insecure individual. I admit that at times I do have a self-deprecating sense of humor, but I sincerely believe that one must be able to recognize one's flaws, point them out, and openly talk (or joke) about them. I particularly use the self-deprecating jokes to break the ice with people. Unfortunately, I also realize that to some I may come off as being very insecure as a result of this. However, if they don't realize that I don't take myself all that seriously, then they probably don't know me very well, and as a result their opinion is inconsequential to me.

The truth is (as arrogant as this may sound) that I don't care what most people think about me, because 95% of the time, what they think is just a byproduct of the society in which they grew up in. There I said it: most people lack a personality of their own and are afraid to think for themselves, which results in them just regurgitating what they think they should think, say, do, etc. I'm not saying that I'm a social deviant - I understand that human beings are social animals, and as such, we must learn to successfully interact with each other. However, I don't think that this necessarily means that we must be an exact carbon copy of our peers, or an exact product of our social codes of behavior. I really am rambling about this, but the point that I'm trying to make is that I truly do take time for introspection. I like to know myself: my limits, my desires, my fears, etc.

Lately, I haven't been feeling as motivated with my weight loss journey as I used to feel at the beginning. I haven't been losing weight as quickly as I thought I would. In fact, when I started back in January, I thought that by now, I'd be done with it and would be on a maintenance program. However, I guess I really overestimated my metabolism - it truly is slower than I thought it was. My nutritionist even calls it "the treacherous metabolism," because despite the fact that I follow the diet exactly and put the hours in at the gym, I don't lose what I should be losing. But, as soon as I deviate a little bit (such as having a slice of cake for my mom's birthday) I gain like 3 pounds (seriously, WTF?) In any case, it's really frustrating and I don't think that most people can understand what I'm going through. I've always been an overachiever, so whenever I don't lose weight, it feels as if I'd studied all week for a test only to fail miserably at it. To me, this is simply unacceptable.

That said, I do take comfort in the fact that: a) I am healthy (probably healthier than I've been in a long time), and b) I have lost 20+ pounds since January (I'm already at my pre-college weight!) Still, I can't shake off the feeling that I should have gotten much better results by now. But then again, it's already been established that I am an overachiever.

Because I am very competitive, I decided to give myself a few challenges to help me get motivated. They are as follows:
1) Do at least 40 minutes on the elliptical at the gym, 5 times a week
2) Walk a mile every day of the week (yea, 7 times a week)
3) Do a kickboxing workout at least twice a week
4) Only have Coke Zero on the weekends (I normally have Coke Zero everyday to get an extra kick of caffeine)

Today went extremely well, I successfully completed every single one of the items on the previous list and managed to squeeze in an extra one. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I often watch "The Biggest Loser" to get motivated for a workout. I remembered watching an episode in which the contestants had to put the weight that they'd lost so far back on and walk for a few miles. So, I grabbed an old book bag, stuffed it with enough dumbbells to make 20 pounds and walked an extra mile on the treadmill with it on. To be honest, if I wouldn't have done this, I would have NEVER realized how much 20 pounds actually weighs. After walking only a quarter of a mile, I was starting to feel extra pressure on my joints and was getting back aches. I still can't believe that I used to walk around every day with that much extra weight on me. So, I pushed through the pain and finished the extra mile. I never thought that taking the 20 pounds off my back would feel so good. My mini exercise really helped me put things back in perspective and I truly felt proud of myself for having accomplished this milestone. I truly feel stronger, not only physically, but also mentally. Furthermore, it helped to remind myself that I truly am a force to be reckoned with and that no matter what, I just have to keep marching on.

Quotes that say something about me...

"I am grateful that he knows, unlike other men in my life, that I want to be stopped from leaving. Even though I am always ready for a fight, so stubborn that I will shoot myself in the foot, my pride will make me go away to nowhere in particular just to make a statement - to say that I'm strong, independent. In another language, these words would mean something else, convey what I truly am: a loner, lonesome, and irreversibly heartbroken."
- Kim Sunee, "Trail of Crumbs"

"When I get lonely these days I think, so be lonely Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life, welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings." 
-Elizabeth Gilbert, "Eat Pray Love"

"It is good to be solitary, for solitude is difficult; that something is difficult must be a reason the more for us to do it."
- Rainer Maria Rilke, "Letters to a Young Poet"

"Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice."
-Wayne Dyer

"Most young people were getting jobs in big companies, becoming company men. I wanted to be individual."
-Haruki Murakami