King of Anything

I love this song! Hehe, I wonder why... XOXO

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Keep drinking coffee, stare me down across the table
While I look outside
So many things I’d say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by

You’ve got opinions, man
We’re all entitled to ‘em, but I never asked
So let me thank you for your time, and try not to waste anymore of mine
And get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe, but I’m not drowning
There’s no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

You sound so innocent, all full of good intent
Swear you know best
But you expect me to jump up on board with you
And ride off into your delusional sunset

I’m not the one who’s lost with no direction
But you’ll never see
You’re so busy making maps with my name on them in all caps
You got the talking down, just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy
While I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

Let me hold your crown, babe.

未来: The future

It is with great pleasure that I announce my ability and decision to return to the United States some time within the next two weeks. The main reason why I came to Honduras was to take care of my legal situation with respect to my continued presence in the USA. As most of you who read this already know, I’ve been in the US for the last 6 years as an international student. However, I graduated from FIU in 2009 and my work permit expired in June of this year. Given the fact that I was not ready to apply to grad school before all the deadlines had passed, I reapplied to FIU in hopes that I would be allowed to go back to finish a third degree in Economics (for which I already have a minor.) Given my outstanding record at FIU, I was actually re-admitted and am now enrolled in 4 classes for the fall semester. The next step was to apply for another student visa from the American government. After traveling to my country’s capital and being interviewed by the consular authority last week, I was given the great news that my application had been accepted!!! Miami, you can’t get rid of me just yet...

I’m planning to finish my Economics degree by Spring 2011, and attending grad school in fall of the same year. For grad school, I have 3 top choices: SIPA (School of International and Public Affairs) at Columbia University (New York), Fletcher School of Diplomacy at Tufts University (Boston), and SAIS (School of Advanced International Studies) at Johns Hopkins University (Washington, DC.) I’m still working on my list of back-up schools, but I’m determined to gain acceptance into at least one of my top three choices. I have been studying arduously for the GRE this entire summer, and will be taking it in late September or early October. Furthermore, I a planning a trip to New York in late October of this year – hoping to take a tour of Columbia University!

Granted, these are only plans at the moment, but I am quite motivated and driven on seeing them through. In the past, whenever I've truly wanted something, especially in the academic realm, I've accomplished it. So you just wait and see. This princess isn't going down without a fight... XOXO

Now we are free...

I often wonder, are we the ones who sabotage ourselves? Are we the ones who let the ghosts of our pasts haunt us incessantly and perpetually? Sometimes, even though we don't want to finish a chapter in our lives, or say goodbye to someone we've loved, the only way we can forget is by letting go. And sometimes, but only sometimes, letting go is the key to our freedom...

Don't we all love Mr. Big?

After all of the very personal “journal-like” posts that I’ve been making recently, I decided that I wanted to continue the Nicky-Luca story that I started in June. I have most of the plot developed in my head already, but I’m not sure whether I want to leave it as a short story or turn it into a novel. Most importantly, I still don’t know whether I want to give it a happy ending, or leave some room for interpretation (although the latter is more my style, naturally.) So, I’ve decided to let the characters and story brew for a bit longer, and will be continuing it shortly… (I can almost hear the sighs of disappointment from all of my rabid fans. Hehe)

But moving on, I’ve recently discovered that men like Sex and the City more than they’d like to admit! I was talking about relationships with a close friend the other day, and he said that he wanted to be a Mr. Big when he grew up. I personally LOVE Mr. Big and I secretly (I guess not so secretly now) wish I could find a young Mr. Big in Miami, but alas, I know it will be close to impossible. Hey, don't judge! Don't we all love Mr. Big??? Anyways, it got me thinking about the TRUE popularity of Sex and the City. As I was googling the fashion from the latest movie, I came across an article that was written by Sex and the City… wait for it… haters! I was appalled! Who could possible hate Sex and the City???

Well, it turns out that the article was written by a group of women who feel that Sex and the City is partly responsible for the perennial objectification of women. These so-called “defenders of women’s’ rights” went into great detail about how they felt that the characters from Sex and the City are vapid and shallow women who only care about fashion, and of course, sex. I couldn’t help but think that the authors of the article were either: 1) Lesbians; 2) Hard-core feminists; 3) Ugly; or 4) All of the above. Although Sex and the City may not be the most intellectually stimulating show to ever be broadcasted, nor does it answer the mysteries of the universe, I think that it does have some merit.

Women are multi-layered beings who feel the need to be, above all, understood. The key to having good relationships with women is to make us feel that you understand us, in every way possible. We want to feel that you are attuned to our needs, fears, desires, everything – the whole enchilada! Me? I’m a Carrie: easy-going, smart, always willing to help out a friend, very liberal for most things, but at the same time, somewhat fond of conventions. The point being, what makes Sex and the City such a success is the fact that all women can relate to at least one of the main characters. I honestly think that the show is a celebration of womanhood. The women aren’t portrayed as icons of perfection. They have issues, and at times feel insecure about themselves, their bodies, their relationships, etc. Yet, at the end of the day, they are able to remain themselves, be successful, and look great!

I’m very intellectually oriented myself, so I will never be an advocate of using our lovely feminine attributes as the SOLE tool for advancing our careers, getting someone to fall in love with us, etc. However, I don’t think there’s anything wrong if a woman were to use her charms for “good.” All women should be allowed to express their femininity and not feel ashamed because of it. It’s okay to exude sensuality and success at the same time. And, I’m willing to bet that this is another point that the creators of Sex and the City were trying to get across.

Furthermore, what I don’t really understood is why the authors of the article, who claim to be so smart themselves, insist that a woman who watches and enjoys Sex and the City can be considered a traitor to her kind. It’s as if they feel that because someone likes this particular TV show, they can’t be intelligent or confident. But I say this, since when does your preference in TV shows define who you truly are? (There are exceptions of course. If someone spends their entire day vegetating in front of the TV, watching Jerry Springer… Well, that’s a different story.) But I don’t feel that there’s anything wrong with being multifaceted.

In fact, I’m willing to say that having several diverse interests is much like being a polyglot. You won’t know what “一期一会”or “以心伝心”mean if you don’t speak Japanese, and if you were ever to travel to Japan, you’d quickly realize how these phrases are intrinsic to Japanese culture, and therefore necessary for you to understand them, especially if you plan on connecting with the Japanese people. Essentially, what I’m trying to explain is that having a plethora of interests allows you to be connected to multiple people, and on multiple levels. I believe it’s safe to say that we’ve all accepted that as human beings we must interact with others on a regular basis, and therefore, the more connections we are able to have can only help in enhancing our experiences.

But I digress… If I were to allow my inner ramblings to continue unrestrained, you’d be reading a lot more than you already have. Suffice it to say, the article by the Sex and the City haters inspired me to write something different. Next time, look for an in-depth analysis of the political, economic, and social implications of the 2009 ousting of Honduran President Manuel Zelaya (I can’t believe it’s been a year already!)

But, let me leave you with this: I play video games, and I also like to go out and have fun. I like opera and classical musical, but I’m also a loyal follower of mainstream pop. I love to cultivate my intellect, spending countless amounts of dollars on my education, but I also take pride in looking and feeling good. Where I come from, it’s okay to be versatile, but above all, it’s desirable to be tolerant. And that's just fabulous, darling!

Reflections...

It was exactly a month ago that I arrived in my home country of Honduras after a prolonged absence of almost two years. Those who know me well are aware of the fact that one of the reasons why I left Miami in such a haste was to get away from a toxic situation; a situation that was slowly wearing me down. Although I have always been of a somewhat whimsical nature, I don’t think I’ve ever changed my mind as often as I did in the last year. I went from being absolutely certain that I needed to study law, to thinking that I needed to move to Europe to be a linguist, followed by the commitment to obtain a graduate degree in International Relations from an Ivy League university. I have always had my “AHA” moments, and there was certainly no shortage of them in the last few months.

For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, let me explain… The “AHA” moment is a very enlightening and relieving time in a person’s life. It is when, after having been pondering a situation over and over again, you realize something that changes everything. The “AHA” moment, also referred to as the “Eureka” moment, makes you see the issue at hand in a whole new perspective, and suddenly you realize what it is that you need to do in order to remedy it. The thing about the “AHA” moment is that it usually happens after two in the morning. In any case, some of my most important decisions have been made based on the “AHA” moments.

Either way, whether it was because I was going through a rough patch in my life, or was just truly afraid and undecided about everything, last year brought about many changes in my way of behaving and thinking. Now as I’m looking back on the experiences that I lived through and the decisions that I made, I see that I was starting to lose myself. I’m not going to sit here and point fingers, but I am aware of the fact that some people did take advantage of me during this period. Whether it was because they needed to make themselves feel better, or because they needed some sort of material gratification from me, I stumbled upon certain, let’s call them “swindlers.”

Most people that get to know me, even if at a somewhat superficial level, are able to quickly see that I still possess a certain childlike innocence that is hard to come across in a 24-year-old in this day and age. The truth is, despite the negative experiences that I’ve had to endure, I still try to find the good in people. I try to find at least one redeeming quality in everyone and work from there. Maybe that puts me in the “naïve” category, but as I’ve mentioned in the past, I’d take “naïve” over “cynical” any day. Again, I don’t blame people for my or their shortcomings. Everyone has issues and if some people need to take advantage of others to feel better, and if that’s what floats their boat, then by all means do it, not just to me. I’m not going to lie, it does hurt when you realize that someone who you thought cared about you genuinely makes it obvious that they’re as genuine as a $5 Rolex you bought off a street vendor. Life has a peculiar way of making things work out, though. Although I have my moments when I wish I could turn into an insensitive bitch and just seek a slow and agonizing vengeance for those who’ve hurt me, the truth is, I would never do something as low and immature as hurt someone on purpose. Deep down, I do believe in karma and I think that people get what they deserve in the long run.

So, enough about that... Another thing that I’ve realized in the time that I’ve been here is the importance of family. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always loved my family deeply and am somewhat of a homebody, but I never really understood the meaning of “family unity.” After all, isn’t your family just a bunch of people who you are forced to see and interact on a daily basis, even if you don't have much in common with them? At times I honestly believed this, but the truth is, no matter what, your family is your FAMILY. You share an undeniable and unbreakable bond with a group of people who will be there for you, through the good and the bad. I often catch my friends speaking poorly of their family members, and I think it’s quite sad. Sure, I was actually blessed with a wonderful family and know that not everyone is as lucky as I am. But if your parents have always provided for you, made sure you had everything you needed, even if they’re not perfect, you owe them at least a sense of respect. I find it quite sad how even people in their late twenties, who are supposed to be all mature and grown-up, are still looking for flaws in their parents and are more than eager to sever their ties with their families over a few minor disagreements. Families, just like romantic relationships, are all about compromise and commitment.

I’ve also realized that I’m quite picky when it comes to choosing a partner. I’ll be honest, most men just don’t make the cut. I’d say that I do have a minimum set of requirements that a significant other must have. However, I will tell you that these are not your usual traits. I’m not looking for a model that can recite Shakespeare’s sonnets to me while preparing my favorite meal. I’m actually NOT looking for perfection, but I am looking for someone who “meshes” well with me. And the truth is, I’m not your average girl. I may come off as the shy good-girl, but I’m so much more than that. I find that I discover new things about myself everyday. All in all, the truth is, I just want someone who will grow with me. I’ve always thought that the best of relationships start off as friendships, and I still firmly believe this. Finding someone who will accept every last thing about you and will be okay with it, even if they don’t like it – now, that’s love. Whenever I envision my “ideal partner,” I usually almost always have the same image: We’re off in some distant country, just exploring everything that it has to offer. He’s willing to go on adventures with me and will try all sorts of exotic foods and drinks. There’s always laughter, and even during the times when we argue, he’s willing to compromise as much as I am. Even if we can’t go around the world, we talk about the adventures we want to have, and can have fun together even if we don’t go anywhere, or do much of anything. I want someone who is just as multifaceted as I am, and with whom I can converse about anything. Someone who can teach me things that I don’t know and vice versa. I wonder, am I looking for something that can’t be found???

Who are we to play with hearts...

The truth is, it’s not the first (or probably the last) time that she’s had her heartbroken. It’s not the worst, either. Yet, as strong as she tried to be, and as much as she just wanted logic to take over every single fiber of her being, she couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down her face as she sit there, on the solitary bench, replaying all of the memories that they'd created together. It seemed that not even the Andrea Bocelli songs would be leaving her alone this time...

It was never her intention to develop feelings for him. Doesn’t intention count for something when being judged for a crime? It was really somewhat of an uncontrollable force that found a way to creep up on her. She’s not going to lie; she had a feeling that he would be trouble for her since day 1. Why? Because he fit the part, and he always knew it (and what’s worse, she knew that he knew it.) However, she honestly thought that she had a strong enough grasp over who she was, and that she could prevent things from unraveling in the way that they did. She suspected that she forgot to take into account a force other than her own; a force that she hadn’t dealt with in the past; the kind of undeniable force that she’d only read about in books or seen in movies: passion. Were they wrong to have allowed their selfishness get in the way of what they knew to be right? They both wanted something, it’s true. The problem lay with the fact that what each of them wanted was different, and it would’ve been very difficult to reconcile both of their desires. She didn’t regret anything, however. After all, she truly believed that everything that has happened in her life has shaped who she is. But her biggest fear was, if even for a brief moment, she had turned into the kind of girl that she despises? The kind of girl who loses herself over some guy? Especially, over some guy who’s not even sure of what he wants?

Either way, the truth is that despite the circumstances, she felt that the initial bond that they shared, that connection, was real. But now, she couldn’t help but torment herself trying to figure out how much of it was real and how much of it was fabricated. She felt that after everything had been said and done, he looked for an excuse to invalidate it, or simply and easy way out. She wondered if he was fueled by regret, guilt, or simply a lack of interest… Will it be this way forever? Was there a way to putting an end to these broken days?

Honestly, as much as she wants to, she cannot blame him. She cannot even blame herself. It is what it is. But she never lied when she told him that she wanted to have him close for years to come. And it wasn’t because of his handsome looks. She actually thought she had seen the person that he really was: behind the façade, behind the tormented eyes, and broken spirit. She wanted to be someone to encourage him to never give up on life, even in the most platonic of ways, even if she was never the one to satisfy his heart’s desires. It’s always been the kind of person that she is. She liked playing “savior” to those around her.

She used to be one of those people who say that they hate to cry because it is a sign of weakness. Yet, she’s slowly come to realize that everyone cries, everyone hurts, and everyone feels the same emotions. Now she thinks that it is pointless to hide what she feels. Actually, she’s started to see it as a sign of strength. Instead of staying home and mourning whatever loss she might have incurred over a pint of ice cream, she chooses to get out there and continue living.

Her heart’s greatest ambition has always been to find someone to love and who would be willing to love her back with the same ardor and passion that she knew she could offer. She has a young, unyielding heart, and she believes that if anything, by meeting him, she’s just come a step closer to finding what it is that she’s looking for. She often wonders if she’s just naïve and living in a bubble, but the truth is that no matter what, she refuses to let cynicism and negativity rule her heart.

Love according to Dr. Phil...

The night started out innocently enough. My mission: to let go and just have some fun. I was to take in the sights, the sounds; enjoy the food and drinks. At no point was I supposed to get lost in my thoughts. However, some time between the second and third glass of wine, I started thinking about relationships and that perennial enigma, which we call love. Some of the questions that made their way into my stream of thoughts where: How much of a relationship is based on passion? How much of a person can you aspire to know? Why is it that so many smart and independent women feel that they need to have a man in their lives to validate their existence? And is there such a thing as an “ideal relationship”?

I certainly don’t claim to be an expert on relationships. In fact, the reality is far from it. However, I’d say that I’ve dealt with my fair share of bizarre (to say the least) romantic experiences; the details of which I will not bore you with at this particularly moment. However, the truth remains that, I’ve never met a man who has inspired me to feel enough confidence in him to allow myself to be completely enraptured by love. And trust me, I’ve met all types of guys: 1) the insecure, confused type; 2) the chauvinistic type; 3) the misunderstood artist; 4) the guy who at first glance seems to be that mysterious, European stranger who’s everything you want and has come to sweep you off your feet, but ends up being no better than the average accumulation of testosterone we like to call men; 5) the kind you’d be willing to wait for your entire life; 6) the guy you think you can “help,” blah, blah, blah… yada, yada, yada… I think that by now you get it.

Point being, despite all of these failed experiences, I’m still willing to look for something… The question is, why? And why does everyone seem to have this obsession with love? Have we been conditioned to think that love is the cure to all of our problems? I mean, how many movies have you seen that start with a lonely, single gal who has more issues than she can handle, but who seems to get her life in order as soon as she meets “the one”? And don’t get me wrong… Those who know me well can attest to the fact that deep down I’m just another sucker for all of this mushy stuff! “You had me at hello,” had ME crying for days! But the point still is, how much of what we’ve come to identify as “love” is merely a creation of what we’ve seen in Hollywood movies, read in Hallmark cards, and heard in Enrique Iglesias songs???

Most of my female (and even my male) friends always seem to have some sort of advice to offer when it comes to building a successful relationship. But who says that what works for them will work for everyone else? If a relationship were as easy as a mathematical or chemical formula, wouldn’t we all have mastered them by now? Hell, I’m willing to bet that if that were the case there’d even be a doctorate degree in relationships at Harvard.

The more I think about it, the more I know that I’ll probably never come up with an answer to some of the questions that I’ve posed in this spiel so far. But, there is ONE thing I’m certain of. I’m aware of the necessity of at least one element to any successful relationship (whether romantic or otherwise), and that is: to know oneself, at least what it is that you desire, and what it is that you don’t want. As obvious as this may seem, it’s sad and frustrating to know that most people are either too lazy, or simply too dense, to devote enough of their time to introspection. Think about it. How much of the heartbreak in your life, whether you’ve been on the causing or receiving end of it, could’ve been avoided if people would’ve finally learned to be honest with themselves first?

But hey, who am I to give advice, right? Most people nowadays prefer to follow the advice of Dr. Phil, Jerry Springer, and Oprah, anyways... ;-)